Summer session's almost over!

[conuly]

Time to celebrate... with bad jokes!

Post your worst jokes here. Bad puns, questionable taste, terrible punchlines... it's a bad joke day.

I'll start.

Dracula is walking down the street, when he gets attacked by a falling pile of sandwich meats, bread, and fruit. Finally, he's impaled on a toothpick. Before he dies, he screams

"OH NO! It's buffet, the vampire slayer!"

See what I mean? Really bad jokes.

I can do better worse.

Do you know why it's called Staten Island?
Because when Henry Hudson was sailing, and he saw it, he said

"Is dat an island?"

Okay. I'm done. For now.

Comments

[neurotica0.livejournal.com]

Heeheehee.
I knew the punchline to the second one, but not the first one.

Hmmm, bad jokes...let me think. These jokes might even be bad at being bad. Or something.

What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a balloon?
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POP!

Ok, and the only other bad jokes I can think of off the top of my head are in such poor taste that I can't even repeat them. So, I leave you with just the lame porcupine joke.

[conuly]

Oh, god, that's as bad as "what's purple and eats people?"









A purple people eater!

[mephron]

Rene Descartes is walking down the streets of modern day New York, when he realizes he's hungry. He walks into a McDonald's. Peering at the sign, he says to the order-taker, "I should like two hamburgers and an orange drink."

The order-taker says, "You want fries with that?"

Rene Descartes says, "I think not." and promptly disappears.

[conuly]

Heard it. Try again.


Why did the chicken cross the road?


MLK's response: I dream of the day when all chickens, be they black, white, or speckled, shall be able to cross the street without fear of their motives being called into question....

[rachelkachel]

So, there's this tribe in the Amazon or somewhere, and they all live in grass houses. The chief has a two-story grass house. Yay. One day, he decides he needs a throne, not just a special house. So he orders a big throne, and when it arrives, he has some of his people carry it into his house, to the second story. Where it promptly falls through the floor. Moral: Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

That's the best/worst I can think of for now, but I know lots; my dad loves puns and the rest of the family takes after him.

[conuly]

A man in the outback got sick, and the only hospital nearby was the Sisters of Mercy Charity hospital. So they took him there, and the Sisters determined that the best cure for his illness was some koala tea.

The man had never heard of this, but he wanted to be cured, and he accepted a cup, only to spit it out immediately because there were hairs in it.

The sisters refused to take the hairs out, though, because "The koala tea of mercy is not strained".

[rhicat.livejournal.com]

A string walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender yells, "We don't serve your kind in here! Get out, you lousy string!"

So the string leaves the bar and sits down on the curb outside. An idea occurs to him. He bends over, rolls around on the ground, twists and turns and walks back into the bar.

The bartender growls "Hey, ain't you the string I threw out of here before?"

"Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"

[conuly]

Oh, god, that's just... bad. Thanks!

I can't top it. But I'll try later.

[mortaine.livejournal.com]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

.
.
.
.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

The tame way.

[conuly]

How do you kill a blue elephant?



With a blue elephant gun!



How do you kill a pink elephant?
Um... with a pink elephant gun?



NO, silly! You hold its nose until it turns blue, and then you use a blue elephant gun!

[catsluvdmb.livejournal.com]

Those clothes are mighty becoming on you.

Of course, I'd be mighty becoming on you too!

Okay, not a joke, but a really bad pickup line someone used on me once.

[neurotica0.livejournal.com]

I've heard it differently.

Those clothes are mighty becoming on you.

Of course, if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

(Possibly only funny to me, but...)

[takaal.livejournal.com]

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.

He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"

But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."

Re: (Possibly only funny to me, but...)

[neurotica0.livejournal.com]

Did you copy and paste that from Really Bad Jokes (http://rinkworks.com/jokes/)?

[shavedapebaby.livejournal.com]

Nobody thinks this is funny but me:

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

[push-the-limits.livejournal.com]

Hahaha! Your username and userpic are funnier than that! LOL.

[codeman38.livejournal.com]

Really Bad Jokes (http://rinkworks.com/jokes/). The name of the site pretty much says it all...

I first heard this one from my then-fiancee:

[marveen.livejournal.com]

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically useless.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin.

He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt, whereupon, a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.

Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

When he finished telling it, the other students in the student lounge hurled empty pop bottles and other trash at him.

Re: I first heard this one from my then-fiancee:

[conuly]

Ew, ew, ew!

[deceptica]

A pirate walks into a bar with a little steering wheel hanging out of his zipper. The bartender sees it and says: "Oh my, you have a steering wheel hanging out of your pants!" The pirate replies: "Arr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

I actually find that one funny though. :-P

[conuly]

Hmph. Am running out of bad jokes to reply with....

[emerlee.livejournal.com]

What did the fish say when it ran into the brick wall?
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Damn!

I actually love that joke, since it helped my volleyball team win a game when we were down 12-4. Well, maybe it wasn't just because of the joke, but still. It helped.

[conuly]

What did Paul Revere say at the end of his ride*?


Whoa!



*Actually, he never finished his ride. He was captured. He probably said damn too.

[fjorab-teke.livejournal.com]

I WILL NOT for the sake of sanity and embarrassment tell the AWFUL one I made up when I was in elementary school.

Here's a halfway funny one I made up in college, though. It's short. :-)


Why did the blonde open the window?

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To see what was on the other side.

[conuly]

*wince*

I've got a blonde joke... but it's one of questionable taste (though perfectly acceptable in this setting of bad jokes).

[rainbow-goddess.livejournal.com]

Some people are drinking in an exclusive bar at the very top of a high-rise building. One man turns to the man next to him and says, "You know, when you're this high up, the air currents are so strong you can actually walk on them!" Man #2 says, "You're joking." Man #1 says, "I'll prove it." He walks out on the balcony, jumps off, and walks around in mid-air.

When he comes back in, he says, "See, I told you!" Man #2 goes out on the balcony, jumps off....and promptly falls to his death.

The bartender looks at Man #1, shakes his head and says, "Superman, you're a mean drunk."

[conuly]

Heard it, try again :)

Besides, it's not a bad joke. It's a good joke, lacking both puns and bad punchlines, not to mention questionable taste.

Knock knock?

[neurotica0.livejournal.com]

I thought of another bad joke:

A man escapes from a mental institution. He doesn't want to be recognized, so he ditches all of his clothes. He can't wander around naked though, so he steals some plastic wrap and wraps himself in that. Satisfied with his new outfit, he walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender turns to him and says, "Sir, I can clearly see yer nuts."





(And I had to use bad grammar for it to work. Because I couldn't use your or you're. It's neither. And both. Stupid joke, you work better in real life.)

[shavedapebaby.livejournal.com]

Two fleas walk out of a bar. One says to the other, "You wanna walk home or take a dog?"

[neurotica0.livejournal.com]

Heeheehee.
I knew the punchline to the second one, but not the first one.

Hmmm, bad jokes...let me think. These jokes might even be bad at being bad. Or something.

What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a balloon?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
POP!

Ok, and the only other bad jokes I can think of off the top of my head are in such poor taste that I can't even repeat them. So, I leave you with just the lame porcupine joke.

[conuly]

Oh, god, that's as bad as "what's purple and eats people?"









A purple people eater!

[mephron]

Rene Descartes is walking down the streets of modern day New York, when he realizes he's hungry. He walks into a McDonald's. Peering at the sign, he says to the order-taker, "I should like two hamburgers and an orange drink."

The order-taker says, "You want fries with that?"

Rene Descartes says, "I think not." and promptly disappears.

[conuly]

Heard it. Try again.


Why did the chicken cross the road?


MLK's response: I dream of the day when all chickens, be they black, white, or speckled, shall be able to cross the street without fear of their motives being called into question....

[rachelkachel]

So, there's this tribe in the Amazon or somewhere, and they all live in grass houses. The chief has a two-story grass house. Yay. One day, he decides he needs a throne, not just a special house. So he orders a big throne, and when it arrives, he has some of his people carry it into his house, to the second story. Where it promptly falls through the floor. Moral: Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

That's the best/worst I can think of for now, but I know lots; my dad loves puns and the rest of the family takes after him.

[conuly]

A man in the outback got sick, and the only hospital nearby was the Sisters of Mercy Charity hospital. So they took him there, and the Sisters determined that the best cure for his illness was some koala tea.

The man had never heard of this, but he wanted to be cured, and he accepted a cup, only to spit it out immediately because there were hairs in it.

The sisters refused to take the hairs out, though, because "The koala tea of mercy is not strained".

[rhicat.livejournal.com]

A string walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender yells, "We don't serve your kind in here! Get out, you lousy string!"

So the string leaves the bar and sits down on the curb outside. An idea occurs to him. He bends over, rolls around on the ground, twists and turns and walks back into the bar.

The bartender growls "Hey, ain't you the string I threw out of here before?"

"Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"

[conuly]

Oh, god, that's just... bad. Thanks!

I can't top it. But I'll try later.

[mortaine.livejournal.com]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

.
.
.
.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

The tame way.

[conuly]

How do you kill a blue elephant?



With a blue elephant gun!



How do you kill a pink elephant?
Um... with a pink elephant gun?



NO, silly! You hold its nose until it turns blue, and then you use a blue elephant gun!

[catsluvdmb.livejournal.com]

Those clothes are mighty becoming on you.

Of course, I'd be mighty becoming on you too!

Okay, not a joke, but a really bad pickup line someone used on me once.

[neurotica0.livejournal.com]

I've heard it differently.

Those clothes are mighty becoming on you.

Of course, if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

(Possibly only funny to me, but...)

[takaal.livejournal.com]

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.

He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"

But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."

Re: (Possibly only funny to me, but...)

[neurotica0.livejournal.com]

Did you copy and paste that from Really Bad Jokes (http://rinkworks.com/jokes/)?

[shavedapebaby.livejournal.com]

Nobody thinks this is funny but me:

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

[push-the-limits.livejournal.com]

Hahaha! Your username and userpic are funnier than that! LOL.

[codeman38.livejournal.com]

Really Bad Jokes (http://rinkworks.com/jokes/). The name of the site pretty much says it all...