Summer session's almost over!
Aug. 19th, 2004 12:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
conuly
Time to celebrate... with bad jokes!
Post your worst jokes here. Bad puns, questionable taste, terrible punchlines... it's a bad joke day.
I'll start.
Dracula is walking down the street, when he gets attacked by a falling pile of sandwich meats, bread, and fruit. Finally, he's impaled on a toothpick. Before he dies, he screams
"OH NO! It's buffet, the vampire slayer!"
See what I mean? Really bad jokes.
I can dobetter worse.
Do you know why it's called Staten Island?
Because when Henry Hudson was sailing, and he saw it, he said
"Is dat an island?"
Okay. I'm done. For now.
Post your worst jokes here. Bad puns, questionable taste, terrible punchlines... it's a bad joke day.
I'll start.
Dracula is walking down the street, when he gets attacked by a falling pile of sandwich meats, bread, and fruit. Finally, he's impaled on a toothpick. Before he dies, he screams
"OH NO! It's buffet, the vampire slayer!"
See what I mean? Really bad jokes.
I can do
Do you know why it's called Staten Island?
Because when Henry Hudson was sailing, and he saw it, he said
"Is dat an island?"
Okay. I'm done. For now.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
I first heard this one from my then-fiancee:
Date: 2004-08-19 01:47 pm (UTC)"This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?"
"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin.
He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt, whereupon, a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.
Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.
When he finished telling it, the other students in the student lounge hurled empty pop bottles and other trash at him.
Re: I first heard this one from my then-fiancee:
Date: 2004-08-19 05:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-19 02:28 pm (UTC)I actually find that one funny though. :-P
no subject
Date: 2004-08-19 05:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-19 04:15 pm (UTC).
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Damn!
I actually love that joke, since it helped my volleyball team win a game when we were down 12-4. Well, maybe it wasn't just because of the joke, but still. It helped.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-19 05:27 pm (UTC)Whoa!
*Actually, he never finished his ride. He was captured. He probably said damn too.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-19 05:44 pm (UTC)Here's a halfway funny one I made up in college, though. It's short. :-)
Why did the blonde open the window?
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To see what was on the other side.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-19 07:25 pm (UTC)I've got a blonde joke... but it's one of questionable taste (though perfectly acceptable in this setting of bad jokes).
(sans punchline)
Date: 2004-08-19 08:39 pm (UTC)What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head?
Re: (sans punchline)
Date: 2004-08-19 08:44 pm (UTC)Re: (sans punchline)
Date: 2004-08-19 08:47 pm (UTC)All you can eat for under a buck.
I admit, with a bit of sadness, that I know a lot of blonde jokes, though I find their whole premise ridiculous. (I even wrote a paper in Anthropology about it.)
Re: (sans punchline)
Date: 2004-08-19 08:48 pm (UTC)Why was the blonde's belly button bruised?
Because blond guys are dumb too.
Re: (sans punchline)
Date: 2004-08-19 08:54 pm (UTC)How do you know a blonde's having a bad day?
There's a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Bah! I can't believe I'm going to post this reply.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-19 07:08 pm (UTC)When he comes back in, he says, "See, I told you!" Man #2 goes out on the balcony, jumps off....and promptly falls to his death.
The bartender looks at Man #1, shakes his head and says, "Superman, you're a mean drunk."
no subject
Date: 2004-08-19 07:24 pm (UTC)Besides, it's not a bad joke. It's a good joke, lacking both puns and bad punchlines, not to mention questionable taste.
Knock knock?
no subject
Date: 2004-08-19 07:26 pm (UTC)A. To get to their nests.
Q. Why is it dangerous to go into the jungle between 2:00 and 4:00 in the afternoon?
A. Because that's when elephants are jumping out of trees.
Q. Why are pygmies so short?
A. Because they went into the jungle between 2:00 and 4:00 in the afternoon.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-19 07:30 pm (UTC)Okay. Those are bad.
Knock, knock!
no subject
Date: 2004-08-19 07:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-19 07:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-19 07:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-19 07:38 pm (UTC)JOHN THE BAPTIST!
*giggles*
I love that joke. I told it to Lizziey once and she promptly infected the group home up in White Plains.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-19 08:45 pm (UTC)A man escapes from a mental institution. He doesn't want to be recognized, so he ditches all of his clothes. He can't wander around naked though, so he steals some plastic wrap and wraps himself in that. Satisfied with his new outfit, he walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender turns to him and says, "Sir, I can clearly see yer nuts."
(And I had to use bad grammar for it to work. Because I couldn't use your or you're. It's neither. And both. Stupid joke, you work better in real life.)
no subject
Date: 2004-08-20 06:02 am (UTC)