Summer session's almost over!

[conuly]

Time to celebrate... with bad jokes!

Post your worst jokes here. Bad puns, questionable taste, terrible punchlines... it's a bad joke day.

I'll start.

Dracula is walking down the street, when he gets attacked by a falling pile of sandwich meats, bread, and fruit. Finally, he's impaled on a toothpick. Before he dies, he screams

"OH NO! It's buffet, the vampire slayer!"

See what I mean? Really bad jokes.

I can do better worse.

Do you know why it's called Staten Island?
Because when Henry Hudson was sailing, and he saw it, he said

"Is dat an island?"

Okay. I'm done. For now.

Comments

[neurotica0.livejournal.com]

Heeheehee.
I knew the punchline to the second one, but not the first one.

Hmmm, bad jokes...let me think. These jokes might even be bad at being bad. Or something.

What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a balloon?
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POP!

Ok, and the only other bad jokes I can think of off the top of my head are in such poor taste that I can't even repeat them. So, I leave you with just the lame porcupine joke.

[conuly]

Oh, god, that's as bad as "what's purple and eats people?"









A purple people eater!

[mephron]

Rene Descartes is walking down the streets of modern day New York, when he realizes he's hungry. He walks into a McDonald's. Peering at the sign, he says to the order-taker, "I should like two hamburgers and an orange drink."

The order-taker says, "You want fries with that?"

Rene Descartes says, "I think not." and promptly disappears.

[conuly]

Heard it. Try again.


Why did the chicken cross the road?


MLK's response: I dream of the day when all chickens, be they black, white, or speckled, shall be able to cross the street without fear of their motives being called into question....

[rachelkachel]

So, there's this tribe in the Amazon or somewhere, and they all live in grass houses. The chief has a two-story grass house. Yay. One day, he decides he needs a throne, not just a special house. So he orders a big throne, and when it arrives, he has some of his people carry it into his house, to the second story. Where it promptly falls through the floor. Moral: Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

That's the best/worst I can think of for now, but I know lots; my dad loves puns and the rest of the family takes after him.

[neurotica0.livejournal.com]

Yep, it is pretty bad.
I thought it was funny when I was 5, because I was 5!

I'm sure that you will see the other two jokes I was able to think of. I don't know. I depends on how much tact your friends list has. I, personally, hate hearing way-off-color jokes, but the ones I am thinking of seem to be irresistible to some people.

[conuly]

A man in the outback got sick, and the only hospital nearby was the Sisters of Mercy Charity hospital. So they took him there, and the Sisters determined that the best cure for his illness was some koala tea.

The man had never heard of this, but he wanted to be cured, and he accepted a cup, only to spit it out immediately because there were hairs in it.

The sisters refused to take the hairs out, though, because "The koala tea of mercy is not strained".

[conuly]

Please don't say one is the cake joke. If I never hear that joke again, it'll be too soon.

[neurotica0.livejournal.com]

No.
I don't know any cake jokes.
Now you have to tell me.

[lasarus.livejournal.com]

Not laughing ... Not laughing ... Eh, bugger :p

[rachelkachel]

I saw some welcome mats for sale at the bookstore yesterday. Stuff like "Go away", "Come back with a warrant" - and "Hi, I'm Mat."

[rhicat.livejournal.com]

A string walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender yells, "We don't serve your kind in here! Get out, you lousy string!"

So the string leaves the bar and sits down on the curb outside. An idea occurs to him. He bends over, rolls around on the ground, twists and turns and walks back into the bar.

The bartender growls "Hey, ain't you the string I threw out of here before?"

"Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"

[mortaine.livejournal.com]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

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How do you catch a tame rabbit?

The tame way.

[catsluvdmb.livejournal.com]

Those clothes are mighty becoming on you.

Of course, I'd be mighty becoming on you too!

Okay, not a joke, but a really bad pickup line someone used on me once.

[neurotica0.livejournal.com]

I've heard it differently.

Those clothes are mighty becoming on you.

Of course, if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

Descartes Amok

[takaal.livejournal.com]

Ooooo... *shudder*! I hadn't heard that one...

(Possibly only funny to me, but...)

[takaal.livejournal.com]

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.

He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"

But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."

[shavedapebaby.livejournal.com]

Nobody thinks this is funny but me:

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

[lizziey.livejournal.com]

so, connie. a mom and her daughther were walking down the block...sorry. now i have to actually type it out for your friend who asked. :)

[codeman38.livejournal.com]

Really Bad Jokes (http://rinkworks.com/jokes/). The name of the site pretty much says it all...

[lizziey.livejournal.com]

a mom and her daughter were taking a walk. they came upon two rabbits having sex. "Mommy, Mommy, what are they doing?"
the mother says "they're making cake". so they continue walking and come upon two cats having sex. "mommy, mommy, what are "THEY" doing?" and the mother says..."they're making cake." so the continue walking til they get home, and see two dags having sex. "mommy mommy! what are THEY doing??" and the mother says, "they're making cake."

So the go home, shower, and go to bed. the next day, the little girls parents are having sex on the couch while she is at school. before she comes home, the move to the bedroom. The girl come home, does her homework, eats a snack, and sits on the couch to watch tv. when her parents emerge from the bedroom she say. "mommy, i know you guys were making cake!" her mother asks, "how do you know that honey?" and the little girl replies...
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"i licked all the frosting off the couch!"

[neurotica0.livejournal.com]

Oh...just ewww.
But, yes, I have heard that one before. I just have a terrible memory for jokes I guess. [Actually the way I heard it, the father was having sex with the babysitter.]

If conuly was never wanting to hear that joke again, it's probably a good thing that I opted not to tell the two way-off-color jokes that I know.

[lizziey.livejournal.com]

yep probably.

[lizziey.livejournal.com]

i get a kick out of seeing people faces when i tell that one. it makes them cringe at first, and it cracks me up.

Re: (Possibly only funny to me, but...)

[neurotica0.livejournal.com]

Did you copy and paste that from Really Bad Jokes (http://rinkworks.com/jokes/)?