after a pretty mellow weekend (with the exception of teenager meltdowns), and LOTS of thinking and daydreaming and obsessing, this is the progress I've made:
- That house made it into my night-time dreams and daytime dreams, and it's really cool and pretty, and Dan is trying to be realistic about the costs of maintaining a century barn (in addition to century home, even if both in good shape). It is a great deal.
- All of that said, we really liked it, and could see ourselves there, BUT
- the small town that it's on main street of is 'nice' but no coffee etc yet. It's not perfect.
- It's still 50 min from my current job.
- If i were to get the hybrid job i'm interviewing for, it would be 1.25 hr each way to get there.
- there are other people in about the same mental-state as us, thinking about it.
- I. don't have an actual plan for the layout of the house.
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None of that is a NO, but it does mean 'I feel like waiting a little longer, both to finish our house repairs and to make progress with jobs, is a good idea.
I think I can summarize wanting to move with a few reasons at this point.
- - School option for Megaliz: she's been struggling so much, and potential forecasts for our current high school over the next few years indicate continued turbulence.
- - Being Mad at my state for being alabama of new england
- - Agency/Grief/Desire for change that is my choice and not things that Happen To Me, amidst all this chaos
- - Value: we have 'more home than we need' and our taxes are likely to soar further.
Ok. Each of those reasons are good reasons, but they all have some 'maybe not' room within them.
School: Megaliz has started the new meds. Between weekend meltdowns, I see some improvement. We have a meeting today with school (their request!) to see about helping her more. AND, while I'm worried about her & crowds/noise/anxiety at the high school, if her meds can calibrate that a little better so she can cope, the school will definitely work with us to Make It Work. I do believe they'll do the best they can. There will be turbulence and uncertainty though. AND the one teacher I was like 'liz will love this class' was going to retire asap but now she might not, so I'm still in benefit of the doubt territory here. So this is not a 'we HAVE to go now' situation, but we are correct to consider the
option.
Being Mad at NH: Also valid thing, because the statehouse republicans were literally quoted as trying to dishearten and drive out liberals. Ooof. Immediate response is split between 'okay have fun reaping what you've sown' and 'fk you i do what i want.' The structural instability of the school funding, for example, is a disaster waiting to happen. HOWEVER, I went to a democrats event the other night, and my conclusion was... good lord, they need more people who know what they're doing. They have some, but they also have some messy benches who aren't helping. So one potential future does include me TRYING to be a part of the solution. What I need to figure out is if I WANT to be part of that, or if I feel obligated/a duty to try (and if I do, ok fine, but what would it be like if I released the need to try to fix or help or caretake for a bit?)
That said, regardless of my participation, there are many movements to Improve Things in my state. So it might get better than it is now. I don't *HAVE* to give up on it.
Agency: It doesn't mean rushing into something.
Value: I need to figure the actual dollar amounts of taxes because even tho I panicked about it, we'll be able to absorb the increase. Probably. We just don't want to. AND, there are probably more things we can do with our current house that would refresh it and feel 'fresh start' about it.
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That House Specifically:Since we haven't made the improvements Just Yet, we are not as ready as we'd like to even put ours on the market. And, Liz should finish out the school year where she is - so we'd want to stay put till at least June.
Reasonable things to wait for: job-interview next week (and consequences of that if any). school-improvement-504 meeting.
And since it's like, not 100% our dream house (see above nitpicks), we can afford to wait to be readier.
We also tried to envision what we really want: more of a cozy log cabin vibe? beautiful victorian in town? Now we know these exist and can happen within our price range. We can keep looking.
If we can hang in there with school and NH being dumb, we could even try to wait a few years for actual downsizey time (figure out what the kids are doing with themselves for chapter 2, make more improvements to our place, see how my gardens play out).
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So I guess, my conclusion isn't exactly one, but now I know things like, "I want to feel excited like that house made us feel." "I want to be sure there's a room to collapse on a big ugly sectional."
And re: job stuff:Hunters are patient and wait for the right opportunity. I did like in olympic biathlon, watching how very still and steady these women were, even during exhaustion.
(After I do my next interview I'm going to chat with my coach).
I am ALSO pondering what sorts of contracting work I can cobble together to make an income, but that will take time to build and figure out.