Asking for help....

[conuly]

A friend of mine is very worried about her daughter, who is diagnosed ADHD and bipolar and who seems to be getting worse all the time. That hair-pulling thing, what looks like the beginnings of an eating disorder, violence towards inanimate objects, suicidal thoughts - that's a lot to fit into 13 years.

I don't have any advice, and doubt I could help, but I know some of my friends are near experts on these sorts of subjects, so I thought I'd ask you to help. If you want to comment there, go ahead, but I gave her my journal's addy, so she can come her and comment and read your comments.

Comments

My daughter

[(Anonymous)]

Hi. I've never posted on a live journal, I hope I'm doing this right.

Thank you to Uly for being such a great person. ((HUGS))

I'll post what I post on NC. I'm copy/pasting...

"She has started pulling out her eyelashes and eyebrows, she has started stealing food in the middle of the night, she kicked a hole in my closet door, pulled my bedroom door off the hinges, etc... She weighs 98 pounds at 13, but thinks she's fat.

I'm ready to hospitalize her, it is getting progressively worse by the day. Her doctors and counselors agree, but want to wait and see if these new meds work better. She's ADHD/Bipolar...diagnosed Bipolar in 3rd grade, ADHD at 3 years old. She started talking about killing herself at 8. We've tried all types of meds since then. ALL types of meds. We counsel, both family and individual. I'm at a loss. I can't seem to talk to her at all, she just screams at me to leave her alone. I do, for the most part, but it is so hard.

I know this is not normal. I know we're doing all we can. She has kept most of this behavior at home, but it is starting to seep into her school life. She won't listen to her doctors, her family, her friends. It's killing us and it must be Hell for her, too.

I'd blame the divorce, but that was over 2 years ago. This past year has been an emotional rollercoaster. The problems are eating up all of our lives. My only relief is the computer and an online game.

Can any of you young people give me any advice as to how to get through to her? Or things your parents do that you hate? Maybe if I have some idea how a young person thinks nowadays, I won't mess up so badly.

Thank you very much for any help."

Her doctor has called the hair pulling Trichotillomania. I've read up on it and we had it stopped for about 6 months. It has come back.

The eating? She diets (doesn't need to) and then steals food at night. She swears she doesn't, but I have found food under her pillow and under the bed.

The main problem we have is getting her to see her own problems. She swears she doesn't pull her hair, doesn't steal food, doesn't get out of control with her anger. She can't explain these things, but it isn't her. It's always someone else's fault. I tell her it must be Mr. Nobody. He gave my brother and I some trouble when we were kids.

She'll be fine for days, anger-wise, and then BOOM! Out of Control. It's cycling, but her hormones must be doing a job on her because it has never been this scary before. I'm afraid instead of talking about it, she might just hurt herself for real. I can replace doors, but not my daughter.

I just want to help her and she won't hear me or anyone else. Now, don't get me wrong. Some days she is an angel and we talk, laugh, and just love each other, but when it comes to her problems, she just won't talk to anyone. I love paying for doctors and counselors when she just sits there. *sigh*

Re: My daughter

[snale.livejournal.com]

I don't know if I can help at all, but I went through some similar problems when I was close to her age (a little older). Often doing stuff like pulling out hair or behaving wildly like kicking down doors (I did both) is just acting out from a buildup of confusing emotions. She may say it "isn't her" or that "she doesn't do those things". I denied it too. I didn't know why I was doing what I was doing and I was afraid of confronting it. The best thing that happened for me, was being expected to be responsible for my actions combined with my parents displaying a certain amount of trust that I would do the right thing. I think your daughter's problems are probably more serious than mine were, but holding her accountable and talking about the things she's doing is better than blaming them on "Mr. Nobody". If she's anything like me, she's having trouble making sense of the world around her and anything you can do to create a sense of cause and effect (that makes sense) is going to help. The more she can know what to expect and feel free to express her confusion and expect understanding and explanation, the better. She may not be talking to anyone because she may not see the point in it. At least, that's how I felt. I hope this makes sense and can help you and your daughter. I remember that time very vividly and it was awful. I hope things get better for you both soon.

Re: My daughter

[(Anonymous)]

Hi. Thank you for replying. The Mr. Nobody thing was a little joke. I forget that sarcasm doesn't travel well over the internet. *blush*

I'll keep what you said in mind. It is nice to know she isn't the only person that acts this way, but I'm so sorry you had to go through it. It is terrible.

Yes, taking responsibility for her actions is something we have been working on. We use the "Love and Logic" approach to parenting. In most things, it works, but for this? She has to see her problems as her own before she can take the responsibility. This is the main subject of the sessions with her doctors.

She is a very immature little girl in a world of more mature 8th graders. It is confusing for her.

It is something we'll have to work on day by day. There is no easy answer. She's healthy and smart. She has people who love her. I just worry about her so.

Thank you so much for sharing. It is surprising, now that I've told someone, other than my family and the doctors, I feel much better. I may just have to check into this lj thing. It might be a help to us all. She loves to write, but we will have to wait until she is ungrounded. I think it may just be a fun project for us to work on. Much better than creating petpages.

Re: My daughter

[snale.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you found this outlet! It's a great forum to get emotions out in the open and to get support from some truly kind people. Your daughter will probably enjoy it just as much. :)

Re: My daughter

[conuly]

If you get a journal, post here, tell me your username(s) so I can hook you up with some appropriate communities. If you want, that is.

Re: My daughter

[(Anonymous)]

Hi. I just found out what has been happening to my daughter. We got the results of some tests back. She has not been taking ANY medication since right after school started. The time when the really bad stuff started. Now we know why. She has been palming her pills or spitting them out. No wonder she has been so unsettled and out of control. The doctor has talked to her, and we have a family meeting set up for tonight. All the grandparents and her father...everyone but her little brother. We have a close family, so it is best if everyone is involved so she understands we all care about what happens to her. Not that she shouldn't know already, but I want it to be a united front. She simply must take her meds. Look what happens when she doesn't. it's not healthy for her and it is not helping her relationships with anyone. Her friends and teachers have asked me about her behavior, too.
The child is a straight A student, Gifted and Talented, First Chair saxophone, talented little actress...you name it, she's got it. Her grades have slipped some, but frankly, they were less of a concern than her behavior.
She doesn't feel she should take medication. That's why she stopped. 8th graders are uncool if they take meds. Bless her heart. We're taking away the lunchtime pills, so she doesn't have to take them at school. I have to check her mouth every time she takes meds in the morning. I watch her take it everyday, I fix the pills. She has just been putting them under her tongue or something to fool me and doing the same to the nurse at school.
She cracked when the results came back and confessed to not taking her pills. She wants to be just like her friends who don't take meds and she has to accept the fact she isn't. She has to take meds. That is all there is to it. We tried for years to find some combination of things that worked and last year we did. She was feeling so right, she decided that she didn't need the meds anymore. Now we know the problem, we can try and fix it.
The Trichotillomania is another story. We've dealt with it before and it does stop when she is aware of doing it. It's just something she has to be aware of.
The doctor says the eating should get back under control with the meds. If not, we'll deal with it then.
Oh, I am so relieved. She is a wonderful girl and I love her so. I hated to see her hurting and I just wanted to reach her. Now, I'm off to the band hall to pick her up, fix supper, and then on to the meeting. :)