conuly

I think we can guess what actually went on with "I tried to encourage, punish, and inspire her..." and I hope the daughter gets out of there as soon as possible.

From:

conuly

Welp, she's already away at college and making her own decisions.

From:

zesty_pinto

To be fair, that's pretty much a summation of my parents, too. I know quite a few people who are pretty well-versed in their talents, but just didn't go very far because they didn't like schooling. Hell, even I wasn't a big fan of it until I got into the later end of it when I felt like the knowledge actually aligned with my interests.

From:

tamsin

The poor daughter!

From:

On top of probably having ADHD, she sounds like she has Genius Child Syndrome.

"Read adult books at nine." Look, I'm not saying you can't. I have friends who claim they were reading Jane Austen at young ages, and they're incredibly smart so I believe them. But... there's a huge difference between being able to read and being able to understand. Some kids do - a lot of kids really don't. They just know the words. The same goes for other subjects. It's very possible she never really understood the material as well as they thought, and/or didn't enjoy learning. Again, on top of having ADHD.

But it's also possible her ADHD just made it difficult for her to do what she wanted to do. That also happens. There's this idea that you can't be smart and have ADHD, which is just... ugh. So inaccurate.

Edited Date: 2018-10-31 05:43 pm (UTC)

From:

She's hyperfocusing on books. You don't do that on books that are just strings of random words, you just can't... trust me, I KNOW. (The trouble with the ADHD symptom of hyperfocus is that it's incredibly hard to direct it... otherwise, we'd all either run the world or starve to death... or both.) Some themes and insights she may not be able to pick up on until she's older, but that happens with all sorts of books--- how old were you when you realized that Cinderella's mother was not her father's first wife, but his mistress, and her treatment at the hands of her stepfamily not only period-appropriate but extraordinarily generous?

From:

nocowardsoul

I didn't realize that until now.

From:

deird1

Neither did I...

From:

It may not be, but this is very much consonant with the upper-class 17th-century social arrangements that Perrault was citing, if not so much with Disney. (Can you imagine having your husband insist upon burying his mistress in the back yard, then dying himself? I would be bloody furious.)

From:

conuly

Yeeeeeessssss, but Perrault is not the only one with there telling a version of Cinderella.

From:

I was way harsher than I meant to be. Obviously it wasn't just strings of words. All I'm saying is that they may have assumed she was getting the nuances of Cinderella's family situation at the age of three when she wasn't. But maybe she was? Who knows. I think in the end, the point is more her denial about her daughter's ADHD.

Edited Date: 2018-11-01 12:34 am (UTC)

From:

Yeah, sorry, didn't mean to bristle or derail: that was obviously the main thrust of your comment. It just leapt out at me that the hyperfocus the LW lauds is a red flag for ADHD in young women...

From:

No, I understand. A lot of those same friends who were advanced readers also have told me stories of being told (when they were that age) that they were too young for such and such, didn't *really* know what they were reading, etc. So I understand if it was also a touchy subject for you, and apologize for making similar implications!

In any case, it's all good. :)

From:

gridlore

I just found out I have ADHD-PI last year at the age of 51, and that letter described my childhood perfectly. I'd ace tests but could never focus on the work. I read everything I could get my hands on, but couldn't do the work if I wasn't really into it.

Mom needs to back off.

From:

By the way, the fourth letter in that column, "I ache for my grandkids," is redolent of filtered context and untold stories.

From:

*Reads*

Yeah... something's missing. Also note that she says "Caley's cousin (my sister's daughter)" rather than "niece." Could just be awkward wording, but it struck me as a little odd. Their distance does as well. I agree that he probably IS just trying to establish new ground, but it still seems strange to when he remarried into the same family. Unless, of course, the family's not that close (making it unlikely they'll have to see them at some point).

It's also one of those letters where I have to wonder, what does the sister say about it? You know? I think we're missing a lot of info here, for sure.

From:

conuly

Yeah, and it seems to me like there's quite a leap from "We've missed a lot of events due to the kids being booked up" to "And therefore, without any more prelude, we're considering suing for visitation" - which, by the way, is a favorite tactic of abusive grandparents who don't understand that grandparental visitation, in jurisdictions that allow for this, is for a very specific number of circumstances that hardly of them fit (namely, when the grandparents have been filling a quasi-parental role for a long time and now all contact has been cut off and/or the parents are actually the abusers).

From:

I also noticed this:

. At this point we’re not sure whether Caley’s memory is being erased.

I have to wonder if they expressed this to them. Meanwhile, it sounds to me like Steve and Vera became close/fell in love through mourning Caley, making this assertion especially hurtful.

It IS possible she's not an abusive grandparent. Could be that Vera and Steve are really in the wrong. But I definitely get the sense there's more to the story here.

From:

The children were seven and four years old when their mother died. In families I've known where this has happened, the best outcome is to keep moving forward with normalcy and stability. There are photos and albums and stories, but life cannot be centered on the absence of the dead parent. They will forget a lot of things about her (the four-year-old probably will only remember what they're being told). This is sad for the parents of the dead parent, but it is natural. It isn't deliberate erasure, it's going on living.

From:

The writer never says "Caley and Steve's children" or "the children" or whatever, it's always "my" and "our grandchildren." She doesn't mention sending cards and appropriate, appropriately-timed birthday and holiday gifts; she wants to see them in person and go to their sporting events and stuff (that's kind of odd to me, as is "grandparents' day" at school---how must that affect children without grandparents to attend!). I can imagine this woman cutting up pretty ugly when "Steve" remarried.

The current incarnation of Prudie is not very perceptive. I know they have to respond to the text in the letter, but even the text in the letter is problematic.

From:

conuly

Well, it's typical to invite the extended family and friends to recitals and big games and all - that's how they sell enough tickets to hit their budget for next year.

From:

alchemise

That's awful, but at least the response to the letter was great.

From:

I just typed a long, ranty comment about my life--- that woman could have been my mother, with the twist that my seventeen-years-younger-than-I brother has "classic" ADHD, and so is believed and supported, but I am treated like a stubborn, willful problem. Sigh.

Just... good on you for being supportive.

From:

conuly

Oh, that sounds fun.

From: