Taken from asperger

[conuly]

I can safely say I'm disgusted.

Sure, you teach the kid to do something "because I said so". And as soon as you're not around to boss them - or they're old enough to move out, they won't do it anymore. Alternatively, you end up with a kid like me, who will never do something for that reason, because "that's not a reason". Sure, you punish your kid... and then you forget about them? Prisoners in jails aren't expected to stay there indefinitely because, well, we forgot when you were supposed to get out.

I don't know. Maybe it's just me, but I have this strange idea that when you treat your kids with less respect than criminals get, you're just setting yourself up for problems.

Comments

[kibbles.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry but sometimes you need to put things that way, a child can't always understand or reason and a child needs to know that someone is in charge that can be trusted and has good judgement, a child isn't born with good judgement, it is something that has to be learned, and there are times when they must do things because the parent says so.

It doesn't happen often, but that trust in the parent needs to be there. My child is my child, not my peer, not my friend, not my toy. I am responsible for my child's health and well being, both physical and emotional and that means they have to trust me and my judgement.

Structure IS important, discipline is important. It is within that framework that a child has the safety to grow and learn.

[conuly]

No, you don't need to put things like that. Ever. Children don't learn good judgment from being - and note that the author says that this should always be the way, not even just sometimes - told "because I said so" is a good reason. They learn good judgment by being told why things need to be done. You need to stay away from the electric socket because it hurts, you need to keep out of traffic because cars can kill, you need to stay away from dogs because they get scared.

Structure IS important, discipline is important. It is within that framework that a child has the safety to grow and learn.

I never said otherwise. What I said is that "Because I said so" is not a reason - and it's not. I wouldn't accept that nonsense from the government, and as a child I didn't accept it from my parents either. "Becuase I said so", to me, translates instantly into "I don't have a reason, so you don't really have to do it, because there is no reason". And that's exactly the response my parents got every time they tried that stupid line on me.

[kibbles.livejournal.com]

Well, then, it's a good thing I am not raising your children, and you aren't raising mine.

I thought because I said so was a horrible thing, until I had to use it. I also thought I would always be able to breastfeed, that my children would be doing x, y, z at certain times, and I would say and do certain things. But then reality set in and I realized that flexibility was key.

Your children may do better differently, in fact, even my three children have different styles of dealing with different issues.

[conuly]

Well, if you'd tried to raise me, I can guarantee you would've had the same problems my parents had - which involved a lot of my yelling, screaming, hitting, biting, and generally fighting against being treated as though I was stupid.

Your kids? Aren't stupid. At least, I assume they aren't from what you've said. What questions are so hard to explain that you cannot answer them?

[conuly]

Here's something else. As a child, people who tried that nonsensical line on me automatically got booted into my "I don't trust you" list. They could've beaten the crap out of me, and I wouldn't've done a thing they said.

This is either because I was a stubborn little kid, or because I don't like listening to stupid people (which is exactly what I thought of people who wouldn't explain things), or simply as a matter of principle, but it was the absolute worst thing to say to me. Ever.

Most of the kids this parent is talking about have ADD or ADHD. Many, many kids with ADD exhibit spectrum traits - and from the people I'm talking to on asperger, my reaction towards "Because I said so" is typical.

So advice which I consider wrong for any parent is likely to be doubly wrong for these kids.