Dear advice columnists of the world:

[conuly]

STOP ADVISING PEOPLE TO GO TO THERAPY WITH THEIR ABUSERS.

Sincerely, Me.

(Also, if you're writing to an advice column to ask if your spouse/parent/sibling is abusing you/your child/your pets, the answer is yes. If you want to know if you should leave due to the abuse, the answer is also yes, just as soon as you have a safe exit plan and, hopefully, some cash. There, now I've saved you a stamp.)

Comments

[hafnia]

I mean...having been in that situation, sometimes things are such that your lizard brain is screaming at you that you're in an abusive relationship, but they've got you gaslit to the point where you're like, "maybe I'm the problem." Captain Awkward talks about it pretty well, here.

I agree re: going to couples therapy with your abuser, and I'm glad that more and more advice columnists are realizing that couples therapy with abuser = learning new and better ways to torture you! :|

[conuly]

I don't really want to snark too hard at abuse victims, it's just... god, some of the advice columnists are really, really shitty about it! They're the ones who need to know "As soon as LW asks if it's abuse, skip to the end and say yes, then advise them to leave."

[wolby]

There are of course problems with Dan Savage, but this is one of the things he does really well. Always appreciate the periodic nothing-but-DTMFA columns.

[hafnia]

Yeah, Captain Awkward is good about this. Some of the older advice columnists...not so much! :)

[conuly]

Also, I'm glad you're out, or so it sounds.

[hafnia]

Heh, I have been out of it for a long time. Thanks. :)

[author_by_night]

but they've got you gaslit to the point where you're like, "maybe I'm the problem."

They can also be SO good at cherrypicking. I had a boss who was verbally abusive, and she'd scream at me for things that were technically mistakes, so I really couldn't argue that I screwed up. It just took time to realize "okay, but a simple correction or reminder would be the reasonable response here." She knew very well that she was toying with my emotions.

ETA: I do want to reiterate that I know what you were saying, conuly, talking more about columnists. I'm just adding to the overall point. But yes, columnists should know better.
Which isn't to say that was your situation, I'm just saying that's how it was with me. I knew my boss was OTT and deeply unfair, but it was only later that I realized just how bad she was. Before that it was "well, but if I hadn't done that, she wouldn't have gotten mad." No.

[hafnia]

yeah, my then-partner would latch onto small, stupid shit that I've done and hold it up as an example of how I was impossible to deal with and so his behavior (which was fucking egregious) wasn't awful, because he was just doing what he had to do in order to put up with me.

to be fair, my mental health at that point wasn't great (undiagnosed PTSD), but the things he latched onto were, like, "you said you would get cheese at the store and you didn't, how can I trust you when you're so completely unreliable".

growing up with emotionally abusive and neglectful parents, I just kinda figured that this was how it was, until I started getting out and making friends and realized, huh, when I'm not around my ex, I'm not miserable ALL THE TIME, maybe I should leave and I made a plan and did.

he still stalked me for about six months, but after I moved to a different city, he wasn't able to find me. phew.

[wpadmirer]

YES!

[author_by_night]

I've heard - and please don't quote me on this - that abusers can use tactics they learn there against their victims. I can also see them just faking it there.

[altamira16]

I have heard this too. They might use I-language to express wants and desires that are ridiculous. Here is a discussion of non-violent communication and abusers.

[flamingsword]

Ooh! Thank you!

[silveradept]

Entirely the case, but if they've gotten you believing that they and all the animals (or children) will be homeless and destitute if you end the relationship, you might feel guilted into going.

You can know the truth about something for a very long time and still not act on it.

[greghousesgf]

ugh. A long time ago I was in a relationship with an abusive man. I had a nightmare about him just last night.

[conuly]

That sounds awful :(

[greghousesgf]

Your sympathy is appreciated.

[ayebydan]

yes