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conulyBut on that note, I implore all teachers, guidance counselors, shrinks - anybody who works with young people: Be very careful about trying to encourage your wayward by telling them how smart they are. Whether or not it's true, try not to make it your default phrase.
Throughout school (but especially in high school), every time I didn't do well, or parent teacher night came around, or I had to talk to a teacher ever in any capacity, they always mentioned how smart I was.
Sometimes this was prior to "making an exception" for me. Sure, I didn't have the grades or the prereqs to be in this or that class, but "since you're so smart" I got it anyway. (And felt profoundly uncomfortable.)
Sometimes this was the softening up part of a lecture - compliment me first, then tell me I need to work harder. "You're such a smart girl, you could be the best in the class if you'd just try. You will work harder on your homework, won't you?" (No, I wouldn't. I needed less in the way of lectures and guilt trips and more in the way of help with my total lack of executive function and organizational skills. I doubt anybody at the schools ever had the capacity to realize that WAS the problem, and I don't hold any blame against them, but honestly, if lectures worked they would've worked back in the first grade. Also, on the subject of guilt trips, I never ever want to hear the phrase "don't say sorry to me, say sorry to yourself" again. It probably was effective in the immediate goal of making me feel bad, but, again, I wasn't particularly inclined to work harder for the people who made me feel bad... even if I knew how to work harder in the first place.)
Sometimes this WAS the lecture. "You're so smart, I don't understand why you don't work!"
The end result of all this was that now, ten years after graduating high school, my response to hearing somebody comment on my intelligence (by which people *usually* seem to mean my book-reading habits or my vocabulary choices, which is a funny measurement of smarts if you ask me) is to immediately look for the exit.
Evangeline went through a stage of really liking to watch Supernanny, and Jo does that same technique of "praise them first, then go for the kill". "I really liked how you were careful with the time-out technique, you really had the method down pat, buuuuut I hated how you still didn't praise your kid this time, that time, or the other time!" Every episode, 40 minutes in, it was cringe time for me. I literally cannot hear this approach without getting that moment of panic.
And it didn't do jackshit to help at the time either. I didn't feel motivated, I felt like I was being put on the spot. If people thought I was smart while I was failing my classes, and attributing that to lack of effort, what would they think if I tried hard and STILL failed? What would they think if I handed in one homework assignment, but then couldn't manage to hand in all the rest because I had *no idea* how to keep up doing that sort of thing? Better to hand in NO assignments than to hand in SOME assignments. (Now I know better, but like I said, smart people can be so VERY stupid at times.) Besides which, I *wasn't* stupid. I could *tell* they were only complimenting me in order to manipulate me.
If you're trying to motivate (manipulate) your student, please, find another method. Don't praise their intelligence unless you mean it without any strings attached. It doesn't help. In a worst case scenario, it might make them really, really insecure about how smart they really are, especially if you're obviously saying that so they do their homework/study/go to bed on time.
And if you suspect they might be on the spectrum, please - don't tell them when you're breaking the rules in their favor. I might be atypical in this regard, but I'm thinking not. If they're like me, they won't feel grateful, they'll just feel awkward and uncomfortable and kinda wishing you hadn't, especially if you're only telling them in order to motivate (manipulate) them into doing their work in THAT class at least. Trust me, some things are better left unsaid.
Throughout school (but especially in high school), every time I didn't do well, or parent teacher night came around, or I had to talk to a teacher ever in any capacity, they always mentioned how smart I was.
Sometimes this was prior to "making an exception" for me. Sure, I didn't have the grades or the prereqs to be in this or that class, but "since you're so smart" I got it anyway. (And felt profoundly uncomfortable.)
Sometimes this was the softening up part of a lecture - compliment me first, then tell me I need to work harder. "You're such a smart girl, you could be the best in the class if you'd just try. You will work harder on your homework, won't you?" (No, I wouldn't. I needed less in the way of lectures and guilt trips and more in the way of help with my total lack of executive function and organizational skills. I doubt anybody at the schools ever had the capacity to realize that WAS the problem, and I don't hold any blame against them, but honestly, if lectures worked they would've worked back in the first grade. Also, on the subject of guilt trips, I never ever want to hear the phrase "don't say sorry to me, say sorry to yourself" again. It probably was effective in the immediate goal of making me feel bad, but, again, I wasn't particularly inclined to work harder for the people who made me feel bad... even if I knew how to work harder in the first place.)
Sometimes this WAS the lecture. "You're so smart, I don't understand why you don't work!"
The end result of all this was that now, ten years after graduating high school, my response to hearing somebody comment on my intelligence (by which people *usually* seem to mean my book-reading habits or my vocabulary choices, which is a funny measurement of smarts if you ask me) is to immediately look for the exit.
Evangeline went through a stage of really liking to watch Supernanny, and Jo does that same technique of "praise them first, then go for the kill". "I really liked how you were careful with the time-out technique, you really had the method down pat, buuuuut I hated how you still didn't praise your kid this time, that time, or the other time!" Every episode, 40 minutes in, it was cringe time for me. I literally cannot hear this approach without getting that moment of panic.
And it didn't do jackshit to help at the time either. I didn't feel motivated, I felt like I was being put on the spot. If people thought I was smart while I was failing my classes, and attributing that to lack of effort, what would they think if I tried hard and STILL failed? What would they think if I handed in one homework assignment, but then couldn't manage to hand in all the rest because I had *no idea* how to keep up doing that sort of thing? Better to hand in NO assignments than to hand in SOME assignments. (Now I know better, but like I said, smart people can be so VERY stupid at times.) Besides which, I *wasn't* stupid. I could *tell* they were only complimenting me in order to manipulate me.
If you're trying to motivate (manipulate) your student, please, find another method. Don't praise their intelligence unless you mean it without any strings attached. It doesn't help. In a worst case scenario, it might make them really, really insecure about how smart they really are, especially if you're obviously saying that so they do their homework/study/go to bed on time.
And if you suspect they might be on the spectrum, please - don't tell them when you're breaking the rules in their favor. I might be atypical in this regard, but I'm thinking not. If they're like me, they won't feel grateful, they'll just feel awkward and uncomfortable and kinda wishing you hadn't, especially if you're only telling them in order to motivate (manipulate) them into doing their work in THAT class at least. Trust me, some things are better left unsaid.
