I thought it was fairly clear...

[conuly]

But since some people seem to have a problem with it, does anybody have suggestions for my disclaimer to make it more obvious?

I am mildly autistic. I only bring this up because sometimes I manage to unintentionally offend people. If this happens, I would appreciate it if you could explain what I said, exactly, that upset you, and, if possible, why. Sometimes I do mean to offend, just like everyone else, but most of the time it's an accident caused by misunderstanding. If you can't do that, please don't mention that I was rude or tactless, because this causes me a lot of unneeded stress, and will likely lead to an angry post about you in my livejournal. And yes, this IS important, despite what you think... otherwise I'll keep blindly upsetting you because I don't know any better.

The whole point of it is to (hopefully) get people to reconsider when they're upset and not just flip out. That just ends badly. I'd rather they tell me why they're upset, because 90% of the time it's a misunderstanding, which can't be cleared up unless I know why they're upset. I thought it made sense that I wasn't dodging responsibility for my actions, but just in case....

Edits, anybody?

Comments

[hopefulnebula]

Looks fine to me.

[conuly]

Well, that's what *I* thought. But I like to make sure of these things.

[ser-kai.livejournal.com]

Would I have quoted you if I didn't think it was good?

You can turn anything around to mean what you want.

[conuly]

Apparently.

[rantinan.livejournal.com]

I like it. Of course , speeking for and about myself if I'm gonna lay into someone I USUALY meen to offend.

[conuly]

Yup, you'll note I offered no apology or any hope of apology for those occasions where I wanted to upset people.

[snarkophagus.livejournal.com]

Perhaps bolding it would help, if the masses seem unable to find it by themselves? I caught it, and it doesn't look like an excuse to me. It looks like a rational explanation and an invitation to tell you if you somehow misspeak. Which, by the way, I can't say that I've ever seen you do since I've had you on my friends list. To my way of thinking, this just goes to underscore the "mildly" part.

If people who should have read your userinfo page haven't done so, I see it as their problem. I see it as a kindness to people, to warn them in advance just in case, as you're aware that it's possible for you to accidentally upset someone. This is especially true when you consider that you're sharing something a number of people wouldn't choose to make public. If other people would like to fly off and make a big deal out of something that could have been easily resolved with a polite sentence or two, that's down to a failing on their part as far as I'm concerned.

Welcome to my pre-coffee attempt at helpful conversation.

[conuly]

To my way of thinking, this just goes to underscore the "mildly" part.

I sometimes wonder if these misunderstandings aren't caused more by other people's stupidity than anything else. But saying that doesn't allow them to feel superior, so there's no point to it.

[literalgirl.livejournal.com]

Yes - I find that disclaimer to be stunningly responsible and helpful. I wish I'd written it myself. It is certainly the same as the basic spiel I give new people I have to work with, but more eloquent and concise. I do the spiel almost right away when I have a new co-worked, and not as an EXCUSE, but to make the interaction of the relationship make sense from the get-go. On top of essential misunderstandings, when I have to interact with people in real life, I have lots of issues with AFFECT - mine and my interpretation of others'. At least I don't have that problem in LJ. :-)

I think Conuly's disclaimer rocks, and I am pretty sure that reading it was one of the reasons I added her to begin with. That and all the clever grammar/linguistics stuff. :-)

[jedirita.livejournal.com]

It makes sense to me. But then, my friend's son has asperger's, so I'm a bit familiar with it. Many people, though, don't know about either asperger's or autism. And of course, there are always going to be some people who are just idiots and don't get it even when you explain it to them.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

Are you sure we're not fraternal twins separated at birth?

[conuly]

Probably. When were you born? Why would you think we're twins?

[sunnydecho.livejournal.com]

do you think you might have Asperger Syndrome? I don't know if that's spelled right. It's supposed to only be kids that have it, but the kids grow up, and become adults, and they still have it, right? My ex has it. It just mainly causes social misunderstandings, because his mind doesn't think the same way other people's minds do, and people forget that, and talk to him like normal, and there'll be something they said that would seem like normal to someone else, but to him, makes absolutely no sense. It's just a thought.

[conuly]

do you think you might have Asperger Syndrome?

That's what my diagnosis says! You spelled it right, though I think it's better to put an 's after the asperger.

It's supposed to only be kids that have it, but the kids grow up, and become adults, and they still have it, right?

Definitely. You don't grow out of being autistic/aspie. Anybody who says otherwise is wrong, end of story.

It just mainly causes social misunderstandings, because his mind doesn't think the same way other people's minds do, and people forget that, and talk to him like normal, and there'll be something they said that would seem like normal to someone else, but to him, makes absolutely no sense.

Right, and wrong. I mean, right on the social misunderstandings, but wrong on "that's just what it is". Autism/AS is connected to a lot of "comorbid conditions" including (but not limited to) auditory processing disorders, scotopic sensitivity (messes with how you see things), hypersensitivity, occasionally hyposensitivity, dyspraxia (clumsiness), sensory integration disorder, dyscalula (like dyslexia for math. Not that common, but more common with aspies than with the general population), faceblindness, obsessive compulsive disorder, synesthesia (confusing the senses), problems with spatial relations, speech disorders...

You don't have to fit all those categories to be aspie/autistic, but I think most fit in at least one.

[redlami.livejournal.com]

I'd just add something about how you do *try* to acquire good social skills and work on not pissing people off, but how it's an ongoing process. It's just a pet peeve of mine when people use a disability as a blanket excuse for not trying, and I know that's not the case with you, but some people may take a disclaimer that way.

[conuly]

I'd just add something about how you do *try* to acquire good social skills and work on not pissing people off, but how it's an ongoing process.

I thought I had already said that, but I can add the sentence in somewhere. Um, later. Now, am going to read books by Pterry or Tammy, if possible.

[wodhaund.livejournal.com]

I really think it's fine. You set out that you MIGHT unitentionally upset someone, and then set out that you'd like to fix it if that happens, so it sounds fine to me.
(And this is coming from someone who tends to be overly sensitive to silly things.)

[fjorab-teke.livejournal.com]

"Sometimes I do mean to offend, just like everyone else, but most of the time it's an accident caused by misunderstanding."

Hm, is there a way to make that point even clearer? Sorry I can't think of a good way right now, but I'll think of it myself and get back to it if I get an idea. Maybe split it up into two sentences, like "Occasionally I do mean to offend, just like everyone else, but it's distinct and entirely different. Most of the time the offense is an accident caused by misunderstanding."

I think, though, that the people who really get whiny about it are the ones who either make excuses for themselves all the time or are convinced that everyone else just makes excuses. It's good that you're not saying, "I'm this way. I'm not changing, so just deal with it." You're pretty clear that you don't mean to cause trouble and want to know if something you say has offended someone and how you might remedy it.

[hopefulnebula]

Looks fine to me.

[conuly]

Well, that's what *I* thought. But I like to make sure of these things.

[ser-kai.livejournal.com]

Would I have quoted you if I didn't think it was good?

You can turn anything around to mean what you want.

[conuly]

Apparently.

[rantinan.livejournal.com]

I like it. Of course , speeking for and about myself if I'm gonna lay into someone I USUALY meen to offend.

[conuly]

Yup, you'll note I offered no apology or any hope of apology for those occasions where I wanted to upset people.

[snarkophagus.livejournal.com]

Perhaps bolding it would help, if the masses seem unable to find it by themselves? I caught it, and it doesn't look like an excuse to me. It looks like a rational explanation and an invitation to tell you if you somehow misspeak. Which, by the way, I can't say that I've ever seen you do since I've had you on my friends list. To my way of thinking, this just goes to underscore the "mildly" part.

If people who should have read your userinfo page haven't done so, I see it as their problem. I see it as a kindness to people, to warn them in advance just in case, as you're aware that it's possible for you to accidentally upset someone. This is especially true when you consider that you're sharing something a number of people wouldn't choose to make public. If other people would like to fly off and make a big deal out of something that could have been easily resolved with a polite sentence or two, that's down to a failing on their part as far as I'm concerned.

Welcome to my pre-coffee attempt at helpful conversation.

[conuly]

To my way of thinking, this just goes to underscore the "mildly" part.

I sometimes wonder if these misunderstandings aren't caused more by other people's stupidity than anything else. But saying that doesn't allow them to feel superior, so there's no point to it.

[jedirita.livejournal.com]

It makes sense to me. But then, my friend's son has asperger's, so I'm a bit familiar with it. Many people, though, don't know about either asperger's or autism. And of course, there are always going to be some people who are just idiots and don't get it even when you explain it to them.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

Are you sure we're not fraternal twins separated at birth?

[conuly]

Probably. When were you born? Why would you think we're twins?

[sunnydecho.livejournal.com]

do you think you might have Asperger Syndrome? I don't know if that's spelled right. It's supposed to only be kids that have it, but the kids grow up, and become adults, and they still have it, right? My ex has it. It just mainly causes social misunderstandings, because his mind doesn't think the same way other people's minds do, and people forget that, and talk to him like normal, and there'll be something they said that would seem like normal to someone else, but to him, makes absolutely no sense. It's just a thought.

[conuly]

do you think you might have Asperger Syndrome?

That's what my diagnosis says! You spelled it right, though I think it's better to put an 's after the asperger.

It's supposed to only be kids that have it, but the kids grow up, and become adults, and they still have it, right?

Definitely. You don't grow out of being autistic/aspie. Anybody who says otherwise is wrong, end of story.

It just mainly causes social misunderstandings, because his mind doesn't think the same way other people's minds do, and people forget that, and talk to him like normal, and there'll be something they said that would seem like normal to someone else, but to him, makes absolutely no sense.

Right, and wrong. I mean, right on the social misunderstandings, but wrong on "that's just what it is". Autism/AS is connected to a lot of "comorbid conditions" including (but not limited to) auditory processing disorders, scotopic sensitivity (messes with how you see things), hypersensitivity, occasionally hyposensitivity, dyspraxia (clumsiness), sensory integration disorder, dyscalula (like dyslexia for math. Not that common, but more common with aspies than with the general population), faceblindness, obsessive compulsive disorder, synesthesia (confusing the senses), problems with spatial relations, speech disorders...

You don't have to fit all those categories to be aspie/autistic, but I think most fit in at least one.

[redlami.livejournal.com]

I'd just add something about how you do *try* to acquire good social skills and work on not pissing people off, but how it's an ongoing process. It's just a pet peeve of mine when people use a disability as a blanket excuse for not trying, and I know that's not the case with you, but some people may take a disclaimer that way.

[conuly]

I'd just add something about how you do *try* to acquire good social skills and work on not pissing people off, but how it's an ongoing process.

I thought I had already said that, but I can add the sentence in somewhere. Um, later. Now, am going to read books by Pterry or Tammy, if possible.

[wodhaund.livejournal.com]

I really think it's fine. You set out that you MIGHT unitentionally upset someone, and then set out that you'd like to fix it if that happens, so it sounds fine to me.
(And this is coming from someone who tends to be overly sensitive to silly things.)

[fjorab-teke.livejournal.com]

"Sometimes I do mean to offend, just like everyone else, but most of the time it's an accident caused by misunderstanding."

Hm, is there a way to make that point even clearer? Sorry I can't think of a good way right now, but I'll think of it myself and get back to it if I get an idea. Maybe split it up into two sentences, like "Occasionally I do mean to offend, just like everyone else, but it's distinct and entirely different. Most of the time the offense is an accident caused by misunderstanding."

I think, though, that the people who really get whiny about it are the ones who either make excuses for themselves all the time or are convinced that everyone else just makes excuses. It's good that you're not saying, "I'm this way. I'm not changing, so just deal with it." You're pretty clear that you don't mean to cause trouble and want to know if something you say has offended someone and how you might remedy it.