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conulyI've often wondered which is better, and I have to say, thus far, it's definitely "with some advance warning" that's winning.
I remember from when Daddy died that grief is not linear, first you're really super sad and then you're a little less sad and so on, but it's all uppy-downy. As I told people this time around, the day of my father's funeral I actually jumped on a trampoline before the service. You can't just be miserable all the time, your body just won't let you do that.
So right now I'm in a not sobby state, so I may as well start cutting through some of these piled up tabs.
But before I do that, some of my mother's playlists! Proofreaders listen to non-vocal music as they work - at least, all the ones I've ever known do - and my mother always liked classical music to begin with, so she'd pull up YouTube before she started work each day and just pick something for its length. And we played a lot of music to her these last few days. I'd forgotten how very much classical music we listened to when we were kids until I was listening to Swan Lake for the third time in a day, and, yeah, that's how it was when we were growing up!
(Actually, she listened to less Telemann now than she used to, but for a while she just adored him.)
I remember from when Daddy died that grief is not linear, first you're really super sad and then you're a little less sad and so on, but it's all uppy-downy. As I told people this time around, the day of my father's funeral I actually jumped on a trampoline before the service. You can't just be miserable all the time, your body just won't let you do that.
So right now I'm in a not sobby state, so I may as well start cutting through some of these piled up tabs.
But before I do that, some of my mother's playlists! Proofreaders listen to non-vocal music as they work - at least, all the ones I've ever known do - and my mother always liked classical music to begin with, so she'd pull up YouTube before she started work each day and just pick something for its length. And we played a lot of music to her these last few days. I'd forgotten how very much classical music we listened to when we were kids until I was listening to Swan Lake for the third time in a day, and, yeah, that's how it was when we were growing up!
(Actually, she listened to less Telemann now than she used to, but for a while she just adored him.)
Thoughts
Date: 2022-09-17 01:13 am (UTC)It depends on the context.
* Zero advance warning is really hard because there's no chance to wrap up anything. This is worst for people who tend not to plan ahead. However, the impact is mostly on those left behind. Ask people how they'd want to die and "asleep," "suddenly of a heart attack" and "during sex" commonly lead the pack.
* A little advance warning seems to be the most popular: just long enough to tidy up loose ends, not so long as to prolong suffering. Another leading favorite is "while surrounded by family" which requires at least a few hours of notice in most cases.
* Long, drawn-out demise is crushing not only for the departing person but everyone around them. This often shortens the life of caregivers and financially ruins families. Plus anticipatory grief and relief-grief are poorly understood, which adds to the stress. Nobody wants this, but it is what the medical system is designed to provide.
As a general observation, any death is easier to handle if people are fluent with death and dying, harder if they are not. In America's death-phobic society, it is challenging to arrange a good death even if you know what you are doing, because most people around you won't.