My father's death, of course, was incredibly sudden

[conuly]

I've often wondered which is better, and I have to say, thus far, it's definitely "with some advance warning" that's winning.

I remember from when Daddy died that grief is not linear, first you're really super sad and then you're a little less sad and so on, but it's all uppy-downy. As I told people this time around, the day of my father's funeral I actually jumped on a trampoline before the service. You can't just be miserable all the time, your body just won't let you do that.

So right now I'm in a not sobby state, so I may as well start cutting through some of these piled up tabs.

But before I do that, some of my mother's playlists! Proofreaders listen to non-vocal music as they work - at least, all the ones I've ever known do - and my mother always liked classical music to begin with, so she'd pull up YouTube before she started work each day and just pick something for its length. And we played a lot of music to her these last few days. I'd forgotten how very much classical music we listened to when we were kids until I was listening to Swan Lake for the third time in a day, and, yeah, that's how it was when we were growing up!

Watch on YouTube

Watch on YouTube

Watch on YouTube

Watch on YouTube

Watch on YouTube

Watch on YouTube

(Actually, she listened to less Telemann now than she used to, but for a while she just adored him.)

Comments

[mtbc]

In a sense, I feel that I was indeed lucky with my own parents. While the final phase was sudden enough that I was unable to be with either of them, each of them died well into a second bout with cancer, so we had plenty of time to prepare.

[gwydion]

Having done it both ways, i do think having warning helps. I will be thinking of you.

[rebeccmeister]

I totally agree with feeling some gratitude over having some warning.

The musical connection is a wonderful thing to share.

[bibliofile]

Some of the music of my youth, too!

When I do work involving words, yeah, no lyrics is the way to go. Jazz works too, especially big band stuff.

[sabotabby]

I think some advance warning. It was absolutely brutal with my stepdad over 6 years, but like. One of my close friends dropped dead of a heart attack (he was a year or two older than me) and there was no chance to prepare or say goodbye or anything.

[cactuswatcher]

I'd say having been through it once is the bigger difference. My dad had cancer, died slowly and when he finally passed, I had the same kind of ups and downs you mentioned. When my mother died fairly quickly, years later, it was not nearly the same roller coaster, I was much calmer and had no strange highs in the middle of mourning.

[thewayne]

My mom died suddenly and 500 miles away on a Saturday, it didn't make sense for me to leave until Monday. The grief still comes and goes, but I expect it to be worse when dad goes. The nasty bit will be getting rid of the house and the inevitable fighting with my brother as he's lived there for 30(?) years without a real job and has no resources. Once he uses up his inheritance from the house proceeds, I don't know where he'll be.

[conuly]

Might be easier to just let him have the house and wash your hands of it all. Call it a gift.

[thewayne]

My sister is also involved, as is a bequest to her kids, so it's not quite that simple.  Not to mention I would like some add'l funds to my retirement also.  And I hate the idea of him getting it and it being lost to a court-ordered sale for failure to pay taxes on it.

[adafrog]

Really interesting.

[mindstalk]

Lost both of mine to cancer. Between the big three of heart attack, cancer, and dementia or non-recovered stroke, it feels like cancer gave warning and prep time, without being (in our cases) a long drawn out hell like 10 years of Alzheimer's. Plus with a last few weeks of dementia from cancer invading the brain, I got a strong "at least it's over now".

[waterfall8484]

I used to have The Four Seasons and The Nutcracker on cassette tapes and pretty much wore them out going to and from school. And Scheherazade is probably the most beautiful piece of music I know, I never get tired of it. <3

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

>>I've often wondered which is better, and I have to say, thus far, it's definitely "with some advance warning" that's winning.<<

It depends on the context.

* Zero advance warning is really hard because there's no chance to wrap up anything. This is worst for people who tend not to plan ahead. However, the impact is mostly on those left behind. Ask people how they'd want to die and "asleep," "suddenly of a heart attack" and "during sex" commonly lead the pack.

* A little advance warning seems to be the most popular: just long enough to tidy up loose ends, not so long as to prolong suffering. Another leading favorite is "while surrounded by family" which requires at least a few hours of notice in most cases.

* Long, drawn-out demise is crushing not only for the departing person but everyone around them. This often shortens the life of caregivers and financially ruins families. Plus anticipatory grief and relief-grief are poorly understood, which adds to the stress. Nobody wants this, but it is what the medical system is designed to provide.

As a general observation, any death is easier to handle if people are fluent with death and dying, harder if they are not. In America's death-phobic society, it is challenging to arrange a good death even if you know what you are doing, because most people around you won't.

[oracne]

They're both rough in different ways. When we lose our parents, it's going to suck no matter what. It's just how MUCH it will suck, and in what ways.

I am torn on being there or not. I was in the room alone with my dad when he passed, singing to him. That was hard. My mom passed in the wee hours, so she was alone with my dad, having presumably heard all of us in there earlier though she couldn't respond. It just sucks, no matter what.