So, serious question.

[conuly]

What do you all say to your pets? Not the obvious stuff like "Sit!" and "Stay out of the trash!" but, you know, when you're snuggling or goofing around or playing or otherwise interacting with your pet in a friendly way? (If you talk to non-animal pets, like houseplants or stuffed animals, that counts too.)

I spend a lot of time declaring that Finn is the Finniest Finn that ever Finned, that Moonpie is the Mooniest Moon and the Pie-iest Pie, and that Callie is my wonderful Callie-cat, and a darling, and a sweetie. (She's not that silly deep down.)

♥♥♥♥♥

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Comments

[heron61]

Having 3 cats, we periodically narrate their interactions with one another, as well as telling them just how goofy they sometimes look.

[conuly]

How goofy do they look, though?

[bibliofile]

Every cat is the Best Cat Ever (of course), and the Best [Name] Ever. How they are a Very Fine Cat, or perhaps a Fine Cat-Like Creature (a phrase from an ex, who may or may not still use it).

We often narrate our interactions. "Did you have something to say?" "Well let's go look." "You're right, you could have died!" "Everyone knows that cats need treats sometimes." Etc.

[conuly]

Everyone does know that.

[pensnest]

Sable is addressed as the softmost of possipussies and informed that she would make excellent gloves as she has the thickest and best fur.

Princess Fluffykins (who is currently impeding my efforts to type) is addressed as the prettymost of possipussies, a pestilent cat, a nuisance, and the most beautiful princess.

They don't take a lot of notice, to be fair.

[conuly]

If Sable has the best fur, why isn't she Fluffykins?

[redbird]

Mloly gets told she's the best Molly, and how fluffy she is.

[conuly]

Agreed: Fluffy Mollies are the best Mollies.

[calimac]

I sing to them, altered lyrics like Gilbert & Sullivan's "For he is a pussycat."

[pensnest]

He is! Hurrah for the pussycat!

or

For he himself hath said it?

[baronessekat]

Grimm (my 12 year old chihuahua) is the "Grimmiest Grimmy that ever Grimmed." And "Thank you for letting me be your Momma"

The cats are "you're a good boy/girl" and "don't tell the others but you're my favorite"

[conuly]

Wait, do you tell them all they're your favorite? Because that's diabolical.

[used_songs]

The dogs
In the morning I ask them "are you ready?" before we get their breakfast in the garage. Then I sing "You Are My Sunshine" to them while they eat.

When I get home from work (or wherever) I ask "How are my babies?"

They both have an ever-increasing list of nick-names.

At night I say, "Good night, babies. Sleep good."

The lizard
At night I say, "Good night, Boo" (his name is Leonard) and sometimes I sing him the name game song (Leonard Leoanrd Bo Benard, Banana Fana Fo Fenard, Mi Mai Mo Menard, Leonard)

[zhelana]

I sing songs like Jack the dumbest dachshund to the tune of puff the magic dragon, or Jackie the dachshund to Frosty the snowman. Or I tell them all they're my favorite.

[cactuswatcher]

I admit to telling my Sirius that he's the best kitty in the whole house, and occasionally telling him that if I had two cats he'd be in the top two. If he's meowing at me for some unknown reason, if I not too busy I will get up and say, "Show me what you want," and if he does want something specific (a door opened or a toy) he'll lead me to it.

[conuly]

He's got you pretty well trained, sounds like.

[sabotabby]

You are such a good cat. You are so soft. You are the prettiest cat, how did you get so pretty? Do you want meat? You are so snuggly. Please get off my boobs. You can sit there but not on my boobs. Good girls! Why are you sad? Are you really sad or do you just want attention? (My cats both have very pitiful sounding meows, so when they want something, they sound like everything is a Great Tragedy.)

[sabotabby]

Oh! I forgot my favourite one for when they are screaming.

"Do you have opinions? Tell me about your opinions. That's very interesting and insightful."

[mtbc]

With our cat I narrate some of what is going on and, in rhetorical questions, what Pippin might be thinking about them. For example, when he probably needs more dry crunchies to eat: Do you have something to show me about your crunchie bowl? Let's go look at it … (we proceed kitchen-ward) Oooh, look at your crunchie bowl. Let's see what we can do about that. etc.

Or, while he's being petted or brushed or whatever, I might praise him in various ways, Aren't you fluffy? And so brave and wise. We're so impressed with your agility. (He's about the least agile cat I've ever seen.)

[erinptah]

Mine gets lots of narration too. I did a bunch of reading about how to socialize a scared cat, and it basically said More Talking Good, so along with "look, it's dinner time! I brought your food! Here's your tasty food, now I'm gonna sit right here and you come get it," there'll be "guess what, kitty, there were car phones in the 1940s!" or "I think I'll read some Harry Potter fic tonight, this one is about him being raised by Professor Lupin."

And I regularly encourage him to "be brave", e.g. when I put down a treat outside his comfort zone, and then tell him what a brave boy he is when he ventures out to retrieve it. One of these months he'll get comfortable enough to be petted without flinching, and then maybe I'll move on to encouraging the wisdom and the agility XD

[pauraque]

I love all these comments. When I was a kid my mom used to affectionately tell the cat that she was so fat she should be cooked for dinner, and would sometimes call her "Roast Beast" (a Dr. Seuss reference).

[hamimi_fk]

When Tiggy was alive I used to call him Fatso (cuz he ate a lot not to be mean), Fluff, Floof, Cutie, and the Fattest Cutest Fluff of Them All.

I call Kitty all sort of dumb and embarrassing names. Usually Dummy, Nuisance, Goddammit Stop Being Under My Feet, Baby, My Baby, Bae, Sweetie, Dumb Floof Face, Floof, Kitty Cat, Kitty Face, Kit, Kit Face, Kitty Butt, Fuzzy, Fuzz, Traitor (when I see him cuddled with my son), and I started calling him Fluff a few months after Tiggy died. Long story short, my cat knows I love him lol.

[flexagon]

Nala gets "for heavens sake, it's not that bad, kitty. I'm coming, I'm coming, see? The water's already dripping for you! There you go, good cat." Also "yes I'm sorry, it's time to inflate you" (subcutaneous fluids) and "are you going to come sleep with us tonight?" and "such a good girl, you lived to be 20 just like I asked. You let me know how you're doing, you know you can go if you need to." "Are you done with your tuna or are you just going to sit there keeping T away from it?" "oh my god cat, it's REALLY NOT THAT BAD."

T gets "oh hi" and "No, Nala isn't done with her tuna yet... get back, go somewhere else... listen, we just HAD this conversation." "Get off the counter, I'll give you a scrap on the floor, good grief."

Hypercube gets "good ocicat, hi ocicat, are you my silly Tessball? Why do you like it on the stairs so much, hmmm? Do you want your crunchies? Yes you do. Oh you are so soft."

[mme_n_b]

Most frequently I say "you are a cat", in case he forgets. Second most frequent is: "You are a good cat", followed closely by "you are a silly cat". The rest is negligible.

[conuly]

https://xkcd.com/231/

[oloriel]

Mr. Darcy is occasionally known as "Darcylein", "Darcylotterich" or "Darcelinsky". I also call him "Seidenfell" (silk fur) because he is super soft and silky. Náro tends to be "Narolinchen", "Narönchen" or "Narolotterich", but sometimes he is "Dusselkater" (clumsy he-cat).
Both are also occasionally known simply as "Katertierchen" (he-cat animal+diminutive) because we are very eloquent.
And of course they're both the fluffiest cuddliest poorest hungriest poopiest kittycats in the whole wild world, ever!

[smokingboot]

I reassure them that they're good and beautiful kittencats and that I love them. But in the interests of full disclosure, they also get to hear 'no fatso, you're not getting a fourth breakfast, what the hell is wrong with you?'

[conuly]

What the hell is wrong with you, denying them their fourth breakfast like that!?

[rhoda_rants]

"Look at you! You're just the sweetest most precious fluff there ever was! Yes you are! What a good puppy!" This can go over for several minutes.

[pwcorgigirl]

I call Ollie Cat "Captain Awesome" because he is. While hanging out on my lap and getting proper adoration, I also tell him he's the sweetest boy and just the best cat in the world. Except when he tries to trip me to get my attention ("I desire kibbles, human.") and then he's known as Ollie Dammit.

Our three dachshund mixes greet me at the laundry room door every evening, jumping and yipping while I say, "Where are my babies? There's my babies! Hi, baby girls!" Occasionally I take the theme from The Monkees TV show (ancient history, as it aired in the 1960s) and change to the words to "Hey, hey, we're the Doxies! People say we run all around, but we're too busy barking to put anybody down!"

The three dogs have very different personalities, but they all like to cuddle and get ear rubs and be told how sweet and pretty they are. Despite the well-known dachshund stubbornness trait, they all know how to spell a few words too. We had to stop saying "eat" because they'd erupt into a whining, leaping pack of obnoxiousness, but the middle one learned what e-a-t meant, so we changed it to "fed," and then had to start spelling that, which she quickly figured out. Once she knew it, the others did too.

[conuly]

Your doggies sound very smart.

[redsixwing]

Muffin gets a variety of pet names, some of which she recognizes. "Moo," for her usual inquisitive meow, "Boo" because it rhymes, Miss Muffin MacGuffin, because same.

She gets told how cute she is on a regular basis, and she's a very chatty kitty, so whatever you say to her, she'll often meow back. Singing her silly songs or reciting poetry with gaps between the lines for her to meow into is fairly frequent.

[ayebydan]

I generally have conversations with the dogs as if they are going to reply. I also make sure to tell Nico at least once a day that he is handsome.

[peristaltor]

"Who's a pretty kitty? Yes, yes, you're a pretty kitty!"

Jasmine just takes petting and purrs; not very vocal. Frumpus, however, hoo boy, could she articulate.

One time The Wife™ was walking by, and Frumpus quite clearly gave an interrogative purr. Wife said, "No, it's not meal time." Frumpus: Higher pitched, more drastic interrogative. Wife: "No." Frumpus: [Expletive deleted: seriously, this said "fuck you" so clearly we both were shocked.] Wife: "What did you say?!" Frumpus ran.

Another time, when we first got her, Frumpus absolutely positively did not want to get back in that fucking transport box. She escaped, and gave me a single, plaintive wail so dramatically evocative of "How can you DO this to ME??!!!", that I sat saddened, so very ably accused of being such a Bastard.

Seriously, I wish we had gotten recordings of her. She was epic.

[the_siobhan]

I generally call my cats assholes and tell them how badly behaved they are while petting them. They respond by purring and looking smug.

[spikethemuffin]

I have often thought about starting a blog about how people speak to their pets. Me, I sing to her, whatever songs pop into my head, only I make them about her.* I also inform her that she has body parts, usually a face, butt, ears, and tail, and that she is the softest and fiercest and bestestest and prettiest and sleekest and mightiest. (I briefly worried that I was giving her gendered compliments, but then I realized that she's a cat.)

*Recnetly made my daughter frown at me be singing, "This is my cat song,/ She's such a brat song,/ Men Without Hats song/ Yeah, Safety Dance."

[dogstar]

Glow, now retired to a pet home, had a theme song, which went:

Gloo, Gloo, your eyes are blue,
you're red and white and you smell like poo

or occasionally

Gloo, gloo, your eyes are blue
you ate a sock that was smarter than you

and

Gloo, gloo, your eyes are blue
you made some puppies and theirs are too.

(We taught her new retirement home the song, adn they've added several variations :D)

Everyoneelse has nicknames, of course, but mostly gets normal conversations and occasionally I pretend to speak for them to DW and they ofcourse instruct her to give them foods and pets that mean othermommy has forbidden them.