Some people might want to be warned, is the word "triggering"?

[conuly]

First part of the story

Second part of the story

Frankly, the whole story is disgusting me, and I don't have any brainwashing in my past.

Comments

[conuly]

Perhaps the parents shouldn't be yelling and fighting?

So they repress their emotions? Because kids know when there's tension in the house - and often they think it's their fault.

Perhaps they should be taking more care to love each other and their children?

Who says they don't love their children? They could love their children very much and not love each other. Or they love each other, but can't possibly live together - as they say, love don't pay the rent. Maybe you love him, but he's so unreliable that he spends all your money on candy, or she turns out to be so immature that she can't keep a job. Love isn't very much.

Perhaps they should be working together more. If they have issues, they should seek counselling.

And when that doesn't work? Sometimes, problems can't be solved. They should stick it out, make everybody miserable?

Perhaps people need to be more selective about who they marry.

No doubt, but when they aren't, sometimes the solution is to end the marriage. Or they marry somebody, and then they change. Or the other person does. Or they both do. He was spontaneous, but now that you have bills you think he's impulsive. You thought she was a brilliant lawyer, wonderful, but that was before you realized she'd be completely inaccessable for weeks at a time, caught up in her work.

The events leading up to a divorce, and the divorce itself, are bad parenting. I certainly have never met anyone who has said "I'm glad I'm in a divorced family intead of having two parents who love each other and me and we all get along reasonably well."

You haven't? Because I have. I've heard people say they never were happier until their parents stopped trying to make something work that couldn't work. I've heard people say that they were happiest when they knew that their parents' problems weren't their fault.

Marriage is supposed to be one of, if not the, biggest committment a person ever make. I once wrote in an essay that if I were an employeer, and I had to choose between hiring a divorced or non-divorced person (all else being equal), I would have to pick the non-divorced person.

Fortunately, one is not allowed to ask about a potential employee's marital status.

Why? Because if a person can't be trusted to keep the biggest committment of their life, why should I trust them with my company?

What if they were divorced because their husband was an abusive bastard, who used to beat them up weekly? Or because it happened that he was so sweet because he was a scam artist, trying to get all their money. Or because they realized that marriage isn't the biggest commitment of your life - if you have kids, the biggest commitment is raising the kids, and sometimes the best way to do that is to get out of the relationship. If you're a cop, you might well say that the biggest commitment of your life is being a cop, which I'm sure is a great comfort to your spouse when s/he's home alone night after night as you try to do your job. Soldiers, no doubt, are inclined to think their biggest commitment is to their country - another situation that leads to divorce, I'm sure.

[stejcruetekie.livejournal.com]

So they repress their emotions?

No, they do things such as seeking counselling and learnign how to work together. It can be done.

Who says they don't love their children? They could love their children very much and not love each other.

A properly function family would be having everyone loving everyone. That's what family is supposed to do.

Maybe you love him, but he's so unreliable that he spends all your money on candy, or she turns out to be so immature that she can't keep a job.

These are things that should be found out before you decide to marry someone.

Love isn't very much
Love is about loving a person, warts and all. It includes compromising with the person sometimes. If there's something that annoys you about someone, you either choose to accept it and work with it, you can fight it (resulting in unhappiness for both parties), or you can move on to another person - which should have been done *before* the wedding.

And when that doesn't work? Sometimes, problems can't be solved. They should stick it out, make everybody miserable?

Perhaps I have it easy, since I am by nature a very compromising person. I'm not selfish, I don't always need my way. I personally think there's always a way to work things out, if people compromise and aren't selfish.

You haven't? Because I have. I've heard people say they never were happier until their parents stopped trying to make something work that couldn't work. I've heard people say that they were happiest when they knew that their parents' problems weren't their fault.

I was saying that I've never heard anyone prefer a divorced family over a happy non-divorced family - not that they didn't prefer divorced over their tensioned family.

Fortunately, one is not allowed to ask about a potential employee's marital status.

I know, and I'm not expecting I'll ever end up in such a position. I used it to illustrate the point about trust. And no, I can't tell who's at fault - it could be the person fought the divorce, or it was an abusive case. But in many cases, remember the old phrase - it takes two to fight.


I don't like divorce. I hate it. I'm not saying there aren't any legitimate cases for it - abuse certainly being one. And yes, there are cases where it's better to divorce than to stay together. I'm trying to argue that there is something fundamentally wrong with how couples are interacting that is causing these situations. It's a cultural thing - Americans have become so arrogant, selfish, independent, wealthy, etc, that it seems we only think of ourselves, and can't get past ourselves to work together for the betterment of everyone involved.

[conuly]

No, they do things such as seeking counselling and learnign how to work together. It can be done.

Not all people respond to counseling. What if you want to work through the problems, but your partner doesn't? Then what?

A properly function family would be having everyone loving everyone. That's what family is supposed to do.
And if it doesn't, a good option is ending it. You can't force love. In fact, I'll say that basing your family in love is a BAD idea. Base it on something realistic, like the ability to pay the bills or not drive each other insane. Too many people base marriage on "love", and then find out later that love doesn't last.

These are things that should be found out before you decide to marry someone

No doubt, but let's try to work in the real world, where people make mistakes.

Perhaps I have it easy, since I am by nature a very compromising person. I'm not selfish, I don't always need my way. I personally think there's always a way to work things out, if people compromise and aren't selfish.

I think you are mistaken. Some problems are so big, some people can't compromise. It'd be nice, but that's not true for everybody.

I was saying that I've never heard anyone prefer a divorced family over a happy non-divorced family - not that they didn't prefer divorced over their tensioned family.

And I'd rather my dad weren't dead, but, again, we're constrained to the world of mistakes and accidents.

[priyatelka.livejournal.com]

Trying *hard* to stay out of this one...just wanted to say that "we're constrained to the world of mistakes and accidents" is a great line...can I quote you?

[conuly]

Sure thing.