Dear protagonist:

You are very stupid. I know the genre convention here is for you to be completely oblivious to the facts staring you right in the face, but there's a level of obtuseness that absolutely defies comprehension. Seriously, would it kill you to smarten up a little?

Love, me.

PS - literally everybody you know is trying to tell you the obvious. They're not being weirdly cryptic and vague, you're just not listening.

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