Ugh.

[conuly]

Twit number one is arguing with me that people should disclose all of their past marriages (even if said marriages are clearly never going to affect anything in the future) to their children. I disagree, but what I *really* don't like is her going "I don't want to be like that person downthread who found out in her father's obituary!"

Yeah. That person's me. And about the only thing I took away from that obit was "Wow. My dad's wedding had the Grateful Dead playing - live!" I wasn't shocked, traumatized, left feeling awkward, weirded out, or disturbed by this revelation. Might have been if I had half-siblings somewhere, but as I don't I can't imagine why anybody would care. If you're gonna use my comment as an example, use it to agree with me, you doofus.

Twit number two says: You want your kids to grow up thinking that you fall in love, marry, and live happily ever after and you're living with a prime example of the fact that that doesn't always happen.

Do people really want their kids to think that? Why? It strikes me as one of the stupidest things I've ever read in P101, and that's saying a whole heck of a lot. It's right up there with "If I had sex with him, that means I love him so it's all right because we're in love". It's just STUPID - more so if you happen to know from personal experience that it's just not true. Then it's stupid and lying. Great job of talking to your impressionable children.

And several other people are piping up that if you don't explicitly share information, you're somehow keeping it secret. They're wrong, but I'd be glad to keep secrets if it'd spare us all boring and pointless conversations that run:

Mom: Julia, just so you know, I was married before I met your dad.
Julia: What?
Mom: I was married before I met your dad!
Julia: Why are you telling me this????
Mom: No reason, I just thought you ought to know so you wouldn't feel awkward and weird!
Julia: Well, I certainly feel awkward and weird NOW. Do I have brothers and sisters I don't know about???
Mom: Nope, nothing like that!
Julia: DO I KNOW THIS GUY? IS IT MY MATH TEACHER?
Mom: No, silly! I don't know why you're getting worked up about it, I'm just telling you.
Julia: But why???
Mom: Because!
Julia: Well, thanks. So there's no reason?
Mom: Nope.
Julia: Wow. This conversation was a complete waste of time. Thanks, Mom.
Mom: You're welcome! Also, in high school I slept with the chess team on a dare, and in kindergarten I ate paste.
Julia: MOM!
Mom: Full disclosure, you're bound to find out sooner or later, I thought you should know!

Yeah. I think I'll pass. I do wish my mother had fessed up about her secret boyfriend, admittedly, but that's something that at least happened within my own lifetime, and I stumbled upon it in a really embarrassing way. Unless you're storing your homemade porn from your ex in your dresser drawer, it's not likely to ever come up in that fashion, is it?

Comments

[mortaine.livejournal.com]

I agree with elenbarathi. First, a kid isn't generally going to ask-- why would they even think to ask "Mom, was Dad married to someone else before you?" What would make them put any possible clues together and come up with that as the answer?

Second, why not tell your kid what happened before they were born? I was endlessly fascinated by my parents' courtship and wanted to know all about it. I also wanted to know about boys my mother dated before she met my dad-- the stories were cute and funny and they taught me something about dating and maturing and all kinds of things.

The chances that a kid is going to grow up and someday either be divorced or date/marry someone who is divorced are really, really high. Parents who are open about their past relationships help guide their offspring in navigating the difficult waters of "how to be in a long-term relationship after a previous one has failed." Obviously, the amount of information or detail that one discusses should be age-appropriate-- you don't go around telling your six year old "and after I divorced the man I was married to before, we slept together before moving on...." even though a final fling is not uncommon.

And 4 year olds need to know what divorce is. They also need to know what gay marriage is. If the pre-kindergarten set knows these things, it won't even be a debate by the time they reach college age.

[conuly]

Second, why not tell your kid what happened before they were born?

Because it doesn't come up? I'm not saying you should hide these things, just that if you somehow never mention it that this lack of mentioning is NOT tantamount to "lying" to your child or "hiding it".

In the grand scheme of things, you've got many things you potentially could tell your kids about your life, but few things you actually will. Many will enter, few will win, right? There's just not enough time in the world. So if it never occurs to you that it's worth telling your kid, that's not necessarily because you're a lying liar who lies - it could be because you have other things to talk about.

[mortaine.livejournal.com]

Ah, I see-- the debate isn't whether or not one should tell their kids, but whether one is a bad person for neglecting to do so.

Yeah, I don't think it necessarily makes one a bad person for not talking about it. On the other hand, as the race relations article you posted earlier points out, perhaps talking about such things directly with kids is necessary for them to figure it all out and not turn "married/divorced" into another "us and them" dichotomy.