Ugh.

[conuly]

Twit number one is arguing with me that people should disclose all of their past marriages (even if said marriages are clearly never going to affect anything in the future) to their children. I disagree, but what I *really* don't like is her going "I don't want to be like that person downthread who found out in her father's obituary!"

Yeah. That person's me. And about the only thing I took away from that obit was "Wow. My dad's wedding had the Grateful Dead playing - live!" I wasn't shocked, traumatized, left feeling awkward, weirded out, or disturbed by this revelation. Might have been if I had half-siblings somewhere, but as I don't I can't imagine why anybody would care. If you're gonna use my comment as an example, use it to agree with me, you doofus.

Twit number two says: You want your kids to grow up thinking that you fall in love, marry, and live happily ever after and you're living with a prime example of the fact that that doesn't always happen.

Do people really want their kids to think that? Why? It strikes me as one of the stupidest things I've ever read in P101, and that's saying a whole heck of a lot. It's right up there with "If I had sex with him, that means I love him so it's all right because we're in love". It's just STUPID - more so if you happen to know from personal experience that it's just not true. Then it's stupid and lying. Great job of talking to your impressionable children.

And several other people are piping up that if you don't explicitly share information, you're somehow keeping it secret. They're wrong, but I'd be glad to keep secrets if it'd spare us all boring and pointless conversations that run:

Mom: Julia, just so you know, I was married before I met your dad.
Julia: What?
Mom: I was married before I met your dad!
Julia: Why are you telling me this????
Mom: No reason, I just thought you ought to know so you wouldn't feel awkward and weird!
Julia: Well, I certainly feel awkward and weird NOW. Do I have brothers and sisters I don't know about???
Mom: Nope, nothing like that!
Julia: DO I KNOW THIS GUY? IS IT MY MATH TEACHER?
Mom: No, silly! I don't know why you're getting worked up about it, I'm just telling you.
Julia: But why???
Mom: Because!
Julia: Well, thanks. So there's no reason?
Mom: Nope.
Julia: Wow. This conversation was a complete waste of time. Thanks, Mom.
Mom: You're welcome! Also, in high school I slept with the chess team on a dare, and in kindergarten I ate paste.
Julia: MOM!
Mom: Full disclosure, you're bound to find out sooner or later, I thought you should know!

Yeah. I think I'll pass. I do wish my mother had fessed up about her secret boyfriend, admittedly, but that's something that at least happened within my own lifetime, and I stumbled upon it in a really embarrassing way. Unless you're storing your homemade porn from your ex in your dresser drawer, it's not likely to ever come up in that fashion, is it?

Comments

[conuly]

Yeah, it's not that I think you shouldn't tell your kid about your previous marriage if it comes up. I just don't think you should be compelled to just because.

In fact, all this brooding about previous marriages strikes me as a really weird. Do people spend that much time thinking about their ex when they're with their new husband and their kid? Shouldn't they be more focused on the present?

[leora.livejournal.com]

I don't know. If I had kids, they'd probably find out about my previous relationships at some point just because I'm still friends with my exes. I wouldn't be likely to explicitly mention that someone was an ex, but I also would expect it to come up in conversation at some point. Plus I have pictures from my first relationship (it lasted for a long time) and I have no intention of hiding them or anything. Oddly, a lot of them are pictures of me, him, and my current partner's half-sister, but that's because they were taken in one day with those people present. (I don't take a lot of photos, but my father has always been really into taking pictures, so I have a few batches of photos from particular visits). Oh, and since my first ex was in my brother's wedding there are those photos.

I think it'd come up and be worth explaining, because I wouldn't want it to be confusing. But it wouldn't be of the sit down we need to talk sort of thing. It'd likely come up if they were looking at the photos or if a friend said something and they were confused or whatever.

I think big portions of your past are likely to come up in some way, but that's also true for all sorts of random things. Especially because when you're young it's hard to imagine your parents having done all of the things they did before you were born, especially when your view of what adults do is still developing.

I think I learned far more surprising things about my sisters (14 and 15 years older than me) than I did about my parents, but then I think my parents lived surprisingly dull lives. I don't really mean dull exactly, but they basically grew up, went to school, got married, had kids. There is the little complication of my father getting divorced and then remarried, but beyond that, that's pretty much what they've done. Most of the cool things I learned about my father that surprised me were details about his work. Oh and learning a bit about the games he played in childhood. He grew up in New York (I forget if it was Brooklyn or the Bronx) during the 1930s and 1940s, so he played all of these old games, especially marbles. That was kind of neat.