![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
conuly
And, long story short, she can be very... uh... direct when speaking to people. Which is to say that she's blunt to a point that I've long since learned most people don't appreciate, but she hasn't.
Which is great for me, because when I can talk to people the way I like to talk and I know they don't get offended, I'm a very happy Connie. And unless I'm severely misjudging her, I'm quite certain she doesn't *really* think that everybody in the world who doesn't do things like her is... well, I'm sure she does think she's wrong, but I think something similar if I'm honest, so that's all right.
But she has felt she doesn't have enough friends. And it came up and I mentioned that maybe she comes on just a tiny bit too strong at times, and she says "I always say no offense!" or "It's my opinion!"
And I do believe she means it when she says it, too.
So I'm about to explain to you all what I eventually worked out for myself out of years of work and effort, and which she hasn't, and which somebody might find useful:
When you say "It's my opinion" or "No offense" you might think you're sounding less judgmental, and you might quite honestly mean "this is only my opinion" or "I do not intend to offend you, I just don't know how to say it nicely", but the vast majority of the world isn't going to interpret it that way, because if they said those things, no matter how they justified it, deep down they wouldn't mean it. So instead of your desired effect (unless of course you were consciously using those phrases to deflect criticism while insulting others, in which case you still could do better), you sound *more* judgmental, *more* critical, and *more* insulting. And people certainly shouldn't use those phrases in that way, but they do, and until you can smack every one of them with a dictionary and make them talk right (which means, of course, the way I do it!), you're better off trying to suck it up and expurgating those phrases from your vocabulary.
Now, there is a polite way to talk about how your choices are right without sounding like how other people do things is totally wrong. I'm sure of it. There must be. But whatever that polite way is, it's not to frame your statements with phrases like "My opinion" and "No offense". People are never going to take that the right way (unless, again, the right way includes them getting upset at you without quite knowing how to return the comment, in which case, bravo!).
Which is great for me, because when I can talk to people the way I like to talk and I know they don't get offended, I'm a very happy Connie. And unless I'm severely misjudging her, I'm quite certain she doesn't *really* think that everybody in the world who doesn't do things like her is... well, I'm sure she does think she's wrong, but I think something similar if I'm honest, so that's all right.
But she has felt she doesn't have enough friends. And it came up and I mentioned that maybe she comes on just a tiny bit too strong at times, and she says "I always say no offense!" or "It's my opinion!"
And I do believe she means it when she says it, too.
So I'm about to explain to you all what I eventually worked out for myself out of years of work and effort, and which she hasn't, and which somebody might find useful:
When you say "It's my opinion" or "No offense" you might think you're sounding less judgmental, and you might quite honestly mean "this is only my opinion" or "I do not intend to offend you, I just don't know how to say it nicely", but the vast majority of the world isn't going to interpret it that way, because if they said those things, no matter how they justified it, deep down they wouldn't mean it. So instead of your desired effect (unless of course you were consciously using those phrases to deflect criticism while insulting others, in which case you still could do better), you sound *more* judgmental, *more* critical, and *more* insulting. And people certainly shouldn't use those phrases in that way, but they do, and until you can smack every one of them with a dictionary and make them talk right (which means, of course, the way I do it!), you're better off trying to suck it up and expurgating those phrases from your vocabulary.
Now, there is a polite way to talk about how your choices are right without sounding like how other people do things is totally wrong. I'm sure of it. There must be. But whatever that polite way is, it's not to frame your statements with phrases like "My opinion" and "No offense". People are never going to take that the right way (unless, again, the right way includes them getting upset at you without quite knowing how to return the comment, in which case, bravo!).
no subject
Date: 2007-11-27 05:23 am (UTC)And I don't know if changing your speech habits is the way to go either. It depends on your ultimate goal. If your ultimate goal is to make friends and influence people and eventually rule the world, you'll have to find a way to be offensive only to the right people. If your goal is to be honest and say what you feel and have a smaller group of friends, with the advantage that they know the real you and really understand you... you do something different. And you expect that some people aren't going to understand what you say and may not like you. My mother always says that "as you go through life, some people will like you, and some people won't. And if you change everything about yourself to fit in with the group, as you go through life, some people will like you, and some people won't". And she's right, too.
I don't know know what people think when they hear "it's my opinion". I do know that I get a better response when I just say what I think and don't qualify it with that phrase. I can qualify it with "I don't really know" or "but I am still learning" or even "though I think this is a personal choice and what works for me might not work for you" (which usually means the same thing as "it's my opinion", but people don't respond the same, so I don't think they think it does), but "my opinion" doesn't go over as well as I'd like.
I used to think this was all because most people are inherantly stupid, but now I think that they just don't think like I do. There's probably a good reason that what I understand to be simple isn't to them... and stuff other people think is simple can be hard for me, so I guess it evens out. Maybe.