In which I demonstrate my awe-inspiring grasp of human nature....

[conuly]

There's a post on feminist_rage which raised a question for me: Why do people feel like they have to say something?

The post is about this woman (staunchly pro-choice*) whose anti-abortion friend had gotten pregnant at the worst possible time and, after discussing it deeply with the father, had decided to have an abortion. And then regretted it, saying that this proves it should be illegal, and so on. The original posted, among other things, wanted to know what she should say that didn't sound defensive/attacking.

I don't understand this. What on earth does she think she can say? Her friend obviously should not have had this abortion, there was nothing wrong (as far as I know) with the fetus (tay-sachs, for example), she was even at that time philosophically opposed to abortion, if you think something is immoral, you shouldn't do it. So if our poster says "Oh, it was the right thing to do", she's going to sound insensitive at best, because her friend clearly doesn't think that, and feels guilty. If she tries to say something like "Well, it wasn't painful" or "It was over quickly", she'll be confirming this woman's view that it was a mistake (If my friend who's staunchly pro-choice is trying to justify it and won't even say it wasn't a mistake, I *must* be a horrible person) OR she'll be trivializing what, to this person, was a terrible horrible thing to do. She can't give any advice, as the abortion's over, it's done with, what is left to say?

I mean, obviously there's a few things like "I know this has been hard for you", but I'm not so sure those will work either. "It's hard for ME, what right do *I* have to complain, my poor baby...." and on and on. Or, alternatively "What do YOU know? YOU don't even think it's wrong. You never were in my situation". I'm not saying she should abandon her friend, that would be cruel, but why does she have to SAY anything? No matter what she says, she'll be wrong. Better to just offer to listen, isn't it? You can't get in trouble by listening, it's only speaking where you get messed up and don't know what to do.



*_{I really can't stand the terms pro-choice, anti-choice, pro-life. I will grudgingly use the phrase pro-choice because I can't find a more accurate word. I will grudgingly use pro-life if the person in question really IS pro-life, meaning anti-war, anti-death penalty, and so on. Or when refering to myself, as I am anti-death penalty but not anti-abortion. I will NEVER use the term anti-choice, as that term, like pro-life, seems to be too divisive and rude.}

Comments

[auryanne.livejournal.com]

I agree with what you said about the labels. I also don't think you can call yourself pro-life if you condone terrorist-style attacks on clinics and doctors who perform abortions @_@

Re:

[conuly]

Yeah, see, people who do that are asking for me to smite 'em. I won't argue with the sillies who think pro-life should only apply to the unborn sort of life, I don't care about that, but terrorism (not terrorist-style, let's be consistent) is wrong. Especially when it's hypocritical.