In which I demonstrate my awe-inspiring grasp of human nature....

[conuly]

There's a post on feminist_rage which raised a question for me: Why do people feel like they have to say something?

The post is about this woman (staunchly pro-choice*) whose anti-abortion friend had gotten pregnant at the worst possible time and, after discussing it deeply with the father, had decided to have an abortion. And then regretted it, saying that this proves it should be illegal, and so on. The original posted, among other things, wanted to know what she should say that didn't sound defensive/attacking.

I don't understand this. What on earth does she think she can say? Her friend obviously should not have had this abortion, there was nothing wrong (as far as I know) with the fetus (tay-sachs, for example), she was even at that time philosophically opposed to abortion, if you think something is immoral, you shouldn't do it. So if our poster says "Oh, it was the right thing to do", she's going to sound insensitive at best, because her friend clearly doesn't think that, and feels guilty. If she tries to say something like "Well, it wasn't painful" or "It was over quickly", she'll be confirming this woman's view that it was a mistake (If my friend who's staunchly pro-choice is trying to justify it and won't even say it wasn't a mistake, I *must* be a horrible person) OR she'll be trivializing what, to this person, was a terrible horrible thing to do. She can't give any advice, as the abortion's over, it's done with, what is left to say?

I mean, obviously there's a few things like "I know this has been hard for you", but I'm not so sure those will work either. "It's hard for ME, what right do *I* have to complain, my poor baby...." and on and on. Or, alternatively "What do YOU know? YOU don't even think it's wrong. You never were in my situation". I'm not saying she should abandon her friend, that would be cruel, but why does she have to SAY anything? No matter what she says, she'll be wrong. Better to just offer to listen, isn't it? You can't get in trouble by listening, it's only speaking where you get messed up and don't know what to do.



*_{I really can't stand the terms pro-choice, anti-choice, pro-life. I will grudgingly use the phrase pro-choice because I can't find a more accurate word. I will grudgingly use pro-life if the person in question really IS pro-life, meaning anti-war, anti-death penalty, and so on. Or when refering to myself, as I am anti-death penalty but not anti-abortion. I will NEVER use the term anti-choice, as that term, like pro-life, seems to be too divisive and rude.}

Comments

[dandelion.livejournal.com]

There's nothing she can say that won't come out badly. She should just say nothing, unless the topic comes up between them.

As for pro-life...I'm anti death penalty, pro-abortion(that sounds odd...I mean that I won't condemn an abortion, not that all babies should be aborted) so I don't think I count as a pro-lifer. Unless, of course, you take the view that the aborted foetus isn't a life yet.

[maladaptive.livejournal.com]

I'd like to stick with "pro-abortion" and "anti-abortion" because they're the most accurate... but pro-abortion has come to mean this genocidal "kill everything!" standpoint. So I stick with pro-choice and pro-life too. I think I'm one of those serious pro-choicers though. As long as you're not screwing other people over, do whatever you want with your life.

As for the story... no. There's nothing she can say. I'm backed into such corners often before I have a hard time making these "socially appropriate" connections in my head. Supposedly a lot of people with ADD do. But that one... it's either sounding smug, or like a shoddy friend. So best to say nothing at all.

[morganne13.livejournal.com]

Yeah....i agree....there really is nothing good to say......
the most i could think of is "I know you're hurting and i wish there were something i could do"
And hugs are always good.

[mhari.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry" would work, even though it's not terribly articulate.

Incredibly loaded terminology, isn't it? (For myself, I say pro-choice because I'm /not/ pro-abortion. I don't think anybody is actively /for/ unpleasant, emotionally difficult, inconvenient, occasionally dangerous operations. And I don't /like/ that they happen, but I think that they are better than some alternatives.)

[black-rat.livejournal.com]

*nods* She can't say anything. She shouldn't. The best thing she can do is listen, if her friend needs a cryinf shoulder.

For me, I like the wordings "Pro choice and anti abortion," So what if they don't rhyme, at least they're more acurate than "pro-life" *eyeroll*

And besides, pro-choice works because, while I doubt I'll ever get an abortion myself, even if the baby were to be deformed or miscarriage, women need the choice.

[auryanne.livejournal.com]

I agree with what you said about the labels. I also don't think you can call yourself pro-life if you condone terrorist-style attacks on clinics and doctors who perform abortions @_@

Re:

[conuly]

Yeah, see, people who do that are asking for me to smite 'em. I won't argue with the sillies who think pro-life should only apply to the unborn sort of life, I don't care about that, but terrorism (not terrorist-style, let's be consistent) is wrong. Especially when it's hypocritical.

[dandelion.livejournal.com]

There's nothing she can say that won't come out badly. She should just say nothing, unless the topic comes up between them.

As for pro-life...I'm anti death penalty, pro-abortion(that sounds odd...I mean that I won't condemn an abortion, not that all babies should be aborted) so I don't think I count as a pro-lifer. Unless, of course, you take the view that the aborted foetus isn't a life yet.

[maladaptive.livejournal.com]

I'd like to stick with "pro-abortion" and "anti-abortion" because they're the most accurate... but pro-abortion has come to mean this genocidal "kill everything!" standpoint. So I stick with pro-choice and pro-life too. I think I'm one of those serious pro-choicers though. As long as you're not screwing other people over, do whatever you want with your life.

As for the story... no. There's nothing she can say. I'm backed into such corners often before I have a hard time making these "socially appropriate" connections in my head. Supposedly a lot of people with ADD do. But that one... it's either sounding smug, or like a shoddy friend. So best to say nothing at all.

[morganne13.livejournal.com]

Yeah....i agree....there really is nothing good to say......
the most i could think of is "I know you're hurting and i wish there were something i could do"
And hugs are always good.

[mhari.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry" would work, even though it's not terribly articulate.

Incredibly loaded terminology, isn't it? (For myself, I say pro-choice because I'm /not/ pro-abortion. I don't think anybody is actively /for/ unpleasant, emotionally difficult, inconvenient, occasionally dangerous operations. And I don't /like/ that they happen, but I think that they are better than some alternatives.)

[black-rat.livejournal.com]

*nods* She can't say anything. She shouldn't. The best thing she can do is listen, if her friend needs a cryinf shoulder.

For me, I like the wordings "Pro choice and anti abortion," So what if they don't rhyme, at least they're more acurate than "pro-life" *eyeroll*

And besides, pro-choice works because, while I doubt I'll ever get an abortion myself, even if the baby were to be deformed or miscarriage, women need the choice.

[auryanne.livejournal.com]

I agree with what you said about the labels. I also don't think you can call yourself pro-life if you condone terrorist-style attacks on clinics and doctors who perform abortions @_@

Re:

[conuly]

Yeah, see, people who do that are asking for me to smite 'em. I won't argue with the sillies who think pro-life should only apply to the unborn sort of life, I don't care about that, but terrorism (not terrorist-style, let's be consistent) is wrong. Especially when it's hypocritical.