On politeness...
Apr. 8th, 2006 06:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
conuly
Or, rather, on not being outright mean.
A lot of people seem to be of the feeling that "If you can't say anything nice, you shouldn't say anything at all". I hope you know what I think about *that*! Important things generally aren't nice - but they have to be said.
There's another view, which is "Since that rabbit is stupid, I shouldn't bother about being nice. I don't care about these people". I'm inclined to agree with that view, really - except when I want to change somebody's mind or actions.
It's very easy, when you know somebody does something INCREDIBLY STUPID that you disapprove of, to call them out for it in no uncertain terms, especially if they're not "real people" - that is, not people you care about and expect to have to worry about. It's equally easy, especially with people you care about, to not mention it at all, even when they're risking something.
So you get the strange place where somebody's offhand comment about voting Republican leads to "OMG! YOU HATE PEOPLE! YOU ANTI-AMERICAN TWIT!" and similar, but your mom's constant spending of money faster than it's earned gets nothing. Like there's no line between very nice and rude.
Problem is, neither method is very helpful, is it? If you want people to do whatever it is you like, and your method of correcting them is to, apropos of nothing, call them stupid, hateful, uncaring, or the like - odds are you're just going to make them even more determined to do whatever-it-is. (And don't even talk to me about not bringing it up.)
There's a place to insult people, but it's generally not the first step you should take.
(I know, I've made this rant before, bear with me.)
This, ladies and gentlemen, is why people should make an effort to be marginally courteous with others, of course. Not for silly reasons like "You care what they feel" or "You wouldn't like it if they did that to you", but because being mean is ineffective. Flies, honey, vinegar.
This is basic stuff. So basic, I don't want to see anybody getting it wrong for another three months, okay? I'm not perfect in this department, but I make the attempt, with things I care about, to be polite in the first few tries to tell people they're completely and totally incorrect. Well. At least, I mean, I don't start off as though we're down to hour 20 of the all night flamewar.
A lot of people seem to be of the feeling that "If you can't say anything nice, you shouldn't say anything at all". I hope you know what I think about *that*! Important things generally aren't nice - but they have to be said.
There's another view, which is "Since that rabbit is stupid, I shouldn't bother about being nice. I don't care about these people". I'm inclined to agree with that view, really - except when I want to change somebody's mind or actions.
It's very easy, when you know somebody does something INCREDIBLY STUPID that you disapprove of, to call them out for it in no uncertain terms, especially if they're not "real people" - that is, not people you care about and expect to have to worry about. It's equally easy, especially with people you care about, to not mention it at all, even when they're risking something.
So you get the strange place where somebody's offhand comment about voting Republican leads to "OMG! YOU HATE PEOPLE! YOU ANTI-AMERICAN TWIT!" and similar, but your mom's constant spending of money faster than it's earned gets nothing. Like there's no line between very nice and rude.
Problem is, neither method is very helpful, is it? If you want people to do whatever it is you like, and your method of correcting them is to, apropos of nothing, call them stupid, hateful, uncaring, or the like - odds are you're just going to make them even more determined to do whatever-it-is. (And don't even talk to me about not bringing it up.)
There's a place to insult people, but it's generally not the first step you should take.
(I know, I've made this rant before, bear with me.)
This, ladies and gentlemen, is why people should make an effort to be marginally courteous with others, of course. Not for silly reasons like "You care what they feel" or "You wouldn't like it if they did that to you", but because being mean is ineffective. Flies, honey, vinegar.
This is basic stuff. So basic, I don't want to see anybody getting it wrong for another three months, okay? I'm not perfect in this department, but I make the attempt, with things I care about, to be polite in the first few tries to tell people they're completely and totally incorrect. Well. At least, I mean, I don't start off as though we're down to hour 20 of the all night flamewar.
Re: A possible middle way?
Date: 2006-04-09 12:02 am (UTC)Except that I place a bigger emphasis on telling people they're wrong - but in a non-insulting way.
For example, let's take the person who voted Republican. Just voting Democrat won't change their mind. And calling them heartless isn't going to work either. Instead, the solution is to bring up specific problems caused by voting for Republicans - focusing especially on those issues which This Person thinks are important. But doing so nicely, or at least not insultingly.
I doubt I do it *well*, but I do try.