Something somebody said got me thinking, on a bit of a tangent.

[conuly]

Some of you are my friends. Others, I just like to read.

Even if I consider you my friend, there's a very good chance I'll never tell you that, for a number of depressing reasons.

1. I have long since learned that people who say "I'm your friend" rarely are. They're saying it because they want to set you up for their own profit or amusement. Or they're saying it because they feel bad about not stopping other people from harming you. At best, they're saying it because they've noticed you don't trust them, don't like them, and don't want to be around them, probably for a good reason - and this has disturbed them greatly. They're not saying it because they're actually your friends. Your real friends don't need to tell you this, generally.

The phrase "I'm your friend" or "we're friends" always sets off my alarms, because it's about the most untrustworthy thing people have ever said to me. I really just wish I'd figured out that lie sooner. (Note, this doesn't apply to the person whose post prompted this, because that person (whom I do consider a friend) is very unlikely to fall into any of those three categories.)

2. Even if I didn't have that huge psychological block described above, what if I say I'm your friend, or just refer to myself as your friend (as in "my friend 'name' is 'blank'") and then you get upset because it's non-reciprocal? I keep thinking like I don't have very many friends, and people are only pretending to like me, it's a big setup for some huge joke. Oh, I know it's not true (and if you actually are in that category, you should feel horrible and go away NOW), but I can't shake the feeling.

3. It's even harder to shake the feeling that other people also aren't my friends, they're just tolerating me, but without the malicious intent of the people in group 2. What if I talk about you as though you're my friend, and then you feel bad because you don't really care about me in any personal sense?

*sighs*

And you know what's really bad is that writing this entry has pretty much destroyed my mood. I'm going to have to clean my glasses again now. Please don't reply to this saying things like "that's not true" or "I'm your friend", because then we're back at number 1 again, and nobody really wants that.

I'm locking this.

Comments

[moggymania.livejournal.com]

I don't want to offend or anything, but this plus a few other things you've said makes me want to ask...have you considered that you might have depression?

(Not saying that in a negative way. Saying it in the sense that I recognize a lot of what you're saying from my own life, and wouldn't want you to be needlessly hurting.)

Since it bothers you, I won't say you are my friend, but I will say that I care about you. :-)

[conuly]

Other people have suggested that, and it does run in my family. However, since at the moment there's literally nothing that I can do about that, I'm trying not to look into the subject.

I'm a little disturbed myself over how quickly I went from happy cheery connie to really not happy cheery connie. But then again, my public school years sucked, and this is what I'm thinking of right now.

[moggymania.livejournal.com]

That's the kind of thing (the happy cheery to really miserable) that I've been wondering about. Too much like me. :-/

You might try St. John's Wort -- it's made a *huge* difference in me (as opposed to drugs/therapy which made it worse). I get a discount buying them through my HMO, so if you can't afford it, I'd be happy to mail you a bottle so you can at least see if it helps. (A study was released recently showing that it can work at least as well as one of the more effective anti-depressants, interestingly.)

[conuly]

I think I'll try eating substantially less dairy first. I get depressed for a good reason (not doing well in class, worrying about somebody I know), and eat some ice cream. And then the next thing I know, I'm always trying to get more milk stuff. I think it's some sort of cycle.

Oh, and then I get sick. Great, real great.

But after that, I'll go ask you to send me free not-drugs. Promise.

[gingembre.livejournal.com]

I get depressed for a good reason (not doing well in class, worrying about somebody I know)

Keep in mind there is a difference between getting upset by an event, and getting depressed by it, which is a symptom of a larger problem. ANd one that I think you have, especially of late. Sometimes you and I are more similar that might be beneficial. :-/

[chem-nerd.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you might have ye olde autistic cassein intolerance. If your system doesn't produce enough casseinase to break down the cassein in milk products, your body will metabolize it to an opiate, causing you to become addicted to it. I don't drink milk because, left to my own devices, I'll drink about a quarter of a gallon a day. Not good. If you still want your ice cream, try some of the nondairy ones. Tofutti Cutie ice cream sandwhiches are really good, especially the wildberry ones.