Once again, let's see if we can explain this.

[conuly]

My family - all of us, now that my grandmother is here as well - all lives in one house. Yes, it's technically a two-family house (with two additional apartments), but the fact is that people are constantly going from one apartment to another without much fuss about it. The girls walk through my apartment when they get home, and they pop by and bug me if they get scared in the middle of the night or if they wake up too early. I cooked in Jennifer's apartment to make dinner tonight, and then I carried it down three flights of stairs so all of us could eat together with my grandmother*. We bring things upstairs and leave them there, or we bring them down here and leave them here, or we bring them back and forth. Sometimes I've been called upon to watch my nieces for a few minutes so their parents could pop out and do a few things, and sometimes I put them to bed. When Ana was sick last week, and her mother was as well, Ana and Evangeline didn't go to bed like they were supposed to so, after seeing that Jenn was asleep I just put them back to bed myself complete with cough syrup, swinging the hammocks, and singing a few new songs. In the past I've had to decide if a kiddo is sick enough to go to the doctor or, conversely, well enough to go to school. I've made lunches for them and breakfasts. I slog through homework with them so their parents don't have to do it, I've taught Ana cursive*, and I've done it for shockingly little pay.

And we all live in the same house. My mother lives here, and my grandmother. My nieces live with their extended family in an inter-generational home. This is a good way to live. And I know it might seem strange to people who are used to a more divided arrangement of people, but it's a valid lifestyle choice.

So when I say things like "Well, we don't have a Christmas tree", I don't mean that I don't have a Christmas tree and my sister does, I mean that in the hubbub of recent weeks this family has not decorated. (And, in truth, I'm usually the person who pushes to decorate.) Not "part of my family", because you can't divide us up when we all live in the same house - none of the family! I don't see my nieces occasionally, I see them daily, because we all live together. And no, I'm not their mom, and no, I don't wish to be their mom, but I'm not going to pretend that we're not an important part of each other's lives, because we *are*. I'm a member of their family - not some adjunct they see once in a while who happens to have a blood connection to them.

Thank you.

*I spent the day "spending time" with Bonne-Maman. Well, you know, I can only take so much socialization in one day so mostly I read while she listened to the radio, but I figure - hey, this is the woman who married Bon-Papa, she's got to be used to this sort of thing by now! And indeed, when my grandfather died, that's how it was - he rested in his bed and read or watched TV while my mother and grandmother chatted with each other and I read a book. I'm certain he was happy with this arrangement, because that's how he was.

**Ana's cursive is progressing very nicely. It's legible, she can remember how to form some letters without checking the example, and if she makes a mistake she's able to self-correct.

Comments

[rhicat.livejournal.com]

This is they way I was raised and my mother and most of my friends. I talk to my friends in Europe (Italy mostly) and they have similar arrangements. People don't get married and move far away, the family tree just gets bigger.

IIRC from sociology classes, this construct of a "nuclear family" came about after World War 2?

[conuly]

I think it's a good way to live your life. Raising kids, losing your job, even getting old without family (blood or chosen) near seems so stressful, I don't know how people do it.

[leora.livejournal.com]

I think it's a good way to live ~if~ it works for the people living that way. I like a lot that we have the option of living that way, but with less of a stigma if you choose to move away. I care about my family and my parents and such, and I know that my parents love me and have done their best to give me a good life. But living with them was not working well for me. Once I moved out for college, I never went back, and that was definitely best for me. Living with my family doesn't work well for me. It may not help that I am a bit of an odd one out in my family, so I'm not as comfortable with my family's culture.

I'm just happier and better off surrounded by the people I chose to be with who chose to be with me. I still see my family, and I wouldn't want to not to. But moving out is great ~for some people~.

I do like the extended family model though when it works. And I definitely am a fan of larger groups living together by choice. And I'm not sure that making raising children a 1 to 2 person job is actually the best idea.

[conuly]

I'm of the firm belief that chosen families are just as good as blood or adoptive-as-kids families.

[leora.livejournal.com]

Yeah, and I'm a big fan of that too. But it is limited to who you can find, which means you don't really know what sort of pattern you'll end up in.

[pne.livejournal.com]

Ana's cursive is progressing very nicely.

I read that as "Ana's cursing is progressing very nicely" at first and went o.O

[conuly]

Every day, I make her go outside and conjugate the verb "fuck" and use it in a sentence before I give her her snack.

[pne.livejournal.com]

A good start, but she needs to work more on expanding her vocabulary. There are so many other four-letter words to pick from!

Oh, and conjugate the verb "fuck" and use it in a sentence reminded me of the story in http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_jokes#Taboo_vocabulary (about half-way down that section, starting with "As an ultimate joke in this series").

Now *that*s conjugating the verb taken to its extreme.

[cumaeansibyl.livejournal.com]

Wait, are people actually hassling you about this? That's so weird.

[conuly]

Ah, well, you're missing the context.

1. A lot of people don't think I should have any opinions on kids whatsoever because I'm Not A Parent. Which I'm not, but a lot of these people also watch SuperNanny, so whatever.

2. IF somebody posts that, say, they think their child might have ingested glass and they're worried about what to do, I have an opinion on that! My opinion is that they should call the doctor - not Doctor LJ.

3. Apparently, sarcasm is not appreciated in those circumstances. And if I point out that yes, I'm happy these aren't *my* problems because, y'know, we don't have a tree, this is a chance to

4. point out that I don't have any children. Which is all well and good except my tree (or lack thereof) is their tree. And that's not just idle phraseology, no, I literally mean what's mine is theirs.

[redbird]

It's odd what people will get aggressive (or is it defensive?) about: if someone were to say "well, we don't have a tree" and then mention that the household is him, his wife, and her son/his stepson, would they do the same "you don't have kids" thing?

I realize I have a chosen family of an unusual shape, but I am boggled at how narrowly some people want to define family. (Not just that they're pushing monogamous heterosexual marriage as the Only Right Way, but that for all that they may wax nostalgic about cousins and grandparents and such, they don't have room in their heads for a family of more than two generations, or adult siblings living together by choice, or any number of other choicess.

[conuly]

Don't overthink it too much, mostly the people saying this sort of thing? These folks just don't like me. Which is fine - often, if they don't like me, I don't think much of them either, but instead of going "I don't like you" or even "I think you're rude" or "I disagree with your advice" they think they should justify this. And their justification is, frankly, stupid. I don't misrepresent myself, so it's not like they're performing some public service here.

They wouldn't like me any more if I *did* have kids, of course, but I have to wonder how they'd try to discredit every comment I ever make under those circumstances. (Did I ever tell you about the Great Sippy Cup War? Apparently, unless you've personally popped out kids, you're not allowed to have any advice regarding something so trivial as, yes, sippy cups. But if your child is as young as a day old - you can say anything!)