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conuly
People are fond of giving advice (I am too, so that's hardly a criticism). And some of the advice they give is just like everybody else's advice, which only seems to make them more eager to give it. Ever notice that?
So if you have a small child who is acting up, people will, invariably, tell you to take their chosen method (time-outs, typically, but distraction and spanking also make fairly regular appearances depending on the kid's age and whether or not the adult in question hates their parents for spanking them) and tell you that the only important thing is that you do it consistently, and without discussion. Because, no matter what method it is, the refrain you hear most often (and hardly ever just implied) is that you can't reason with a three year old. Or a two year old. Or a six year old. Sometimes they say you shouldn't, but then they're implying that you shouldn't because you can't anyway, so why bother?
And I sit there and go "Yeah? Really?" because I *have* reasoned with very young children - and not just my own nieces, who are (of course) brilliant, but with other, more average kids, and even with kids I don't even know that well. I won't claim it always works - everybody has a point where they will not be reasoned with, and with young children you also have a bit of a language barrier there - but it certainly is at least as successful as anything else I see people trying.
Now, every morning, the one thing I really try to be really, really, REALLY firm about is that we don't leave the table until we're done eating (except in special circumstances like "bathroom" and "getting more food" and "time-out" and whatever) and when we're done, we put our plates in the sink and scrape them and all. This is partly a safety concern (it's not safe to run around and put food in your mouth and run around some more) and partly a politeness thing, and partly because I don't want them dragging breakfast on until lunch time.
And every morning for a while, Evangeline has been really resisting scraping her plate and putting it in the sink. I'll ask her if she's done, she'll say yes - but she won't do a thing about her plate, and she'll cry, and she'll fuss, and her sister tries to show her what to do, and I ask her nicely, and she just won't. And eventually I end up picking her up with her plate and bringing her over to the sink while I put her plate in the sink, and then I thank her for the effort. I try to pretend that I'm really happy, even though I'm really not. Nobody is, but as soon as I'm done she grins and runs off and plays, so I don't think I'm traumatizing her.
Today, Evangeline was sick, and I was not looking forward to our little daily act. And you know it's worse when kids are sick, it always is.
So she's done eating, and there's nothing to scrape, and I go "Evangeline, please put your plate in the sink" and she goes "No" and off we go, and I'm being nice, and midway through the routine she tries out her new word - "Why?"
"Well, honey, if you put it in the sink, I can wash it, and then it will be clean. And besides, then you can go off and play."
"Oh. *picks up bowl, tries to give it to me* Connie, sink!"
"Thank you, but I'm not the sink. Can you put it in the *points* sink for me please?"
"Okay. Spoon in sink too!"
And she picked them both up and put them in the sink, and I thanked her, and gave her a hug, and she went off to play.
Because when she thought to ask why, I thought (I should have thought of this days ago, of course, or weeks, even) to tell her the truth. I reasoned with a two year old, and it worked.
Children like being treated like thinking beings, they really do, probably because they *are* thinking beings.
Of course, the trick is to keep your reason while reasoning. Don't go over their heads, don't talk too long to make a simple point, make sure you're not being manipulated or losing sight of the goal, and if they refuse to reason at all, or aren't able to at the time, move on to option B, whatever that is.
But let's not claim it never works. I'm not a miracle worker. I think anybody giving it an honest shot would have at least *some* success talking to their kids like this, at least some of the time.
So if you have a small child who is acting up, people will, invariably, tell you to take their chosen method (time-outs, typically, but distraction and spanking also make fairly regular appearances depending on the kid's age and whether or not the adult in question hates their parents for spanking them) and tell you that the only important thing is that you do it consistently, and without discussion. Because, no matter what method it is, the refrain you hear most often (and hardly ever just implied) is that you can't reason with a three year old. Or a two year old. Or a six year old. Sometimes they say you shouldn't, but then they're implying that you shouldn't because you can't anyway, so why bother?
And I sit there and go "Yeah? Really?" because I *have* reasoned with very young children - and not just my own nieces, who are (of course) brilliant, but with other, more average kids, and even with kids I don't even know that well. I won't claim it always works - everybody has a point where they will not be reasoned with, and with young children you also have a bit of a language barrier there - but it certainly is at least as successful as anything else I see people trying.
Now, every morning, the one thing I really try to be really, really, REALLY firm about is that we don't leave the table until we're done eating (except in special circumstances like "bathroom" and "getting more food" and "time-out" and whatever) and when we're done, we put our plates in the sink and scrape them and all. This is partly a safety concern (it's not safe to run around and put food in your mouth and run around some more) and partly a politeness thing, and partly because I don't want them dragging breakfast on until lunch time.
And every morning for a while, Evangeline has been really resisting scraping her plate and putting it in the sink. I'll ask her if she's done, she'll say yes - but she won't do a thing about her plate, and she'll cry, and she'll fuss, and her sister tries to show her what to do, and I ask her nicely, and she just won't. And eventually I end up picking her up with her plate and bringing her over to the sink while I put her plate in the sink, and then I thank her for the effort. I try to pretend that I'm really happy, even though I'm really not. Nobody is, but as soon as I'm done she grins and runs off and plays, so I don't think I'm traumatizing her.
Today, Evangeline was sick, and I was not looking forward to our little daily act. And you know it's worse when kids are sick, it always is.
So she's done eating, and there's nothing to scrape, and I go "Evangeline, please put your plate in the sink" and she goes "No" and off we go, and I'm being nice, and midway through the routine she tries out her new word - "Why?"
"Well, honey, if you put it in the sink, I can wash it, and then it will be clean. And besides, then you can go off and play."
"Oh. *picks up bowl, tries to give it to me* Connie, sink!"
"Thank you, but I'm not the sink. Can you put it in the *points* sink for me please?"
"Okay. Spoon in sink too!"
And she picked them both up and put them in the sink, and I thanked her, and gave her a hug, and she went off to play.
Because when she thought to ask why, I thought (I should have thought of this days ago, of course, or weeks, even) to tell her the truth. I reasoned with a two year old, and it worked.
Children like being treated like thinking beings, they really do, probably because they *are* thinking beings.
Of course, the trick is to keep your reason while reasoning. Don't go over their heads, don't talk too long to make a simple point, make sure you're not being manipulated or losing sight of the goal, and if they refuse to reason at all, or aren't able to at the time, move on to option B, whatever that is.
But let's not claim it never works. I'm not a miracle worker. I think anybody giving it an honest shot would have at least *some* success talking to their kids like this, at least some of the time.
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no subject
Date: 2007-11-14 05:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-14 07:02 am (UTC)You're lucky. Tate just melts down if you ask him to do something that isn't what he was going to do next. (I'll go make a post explaining why I'm calling him Tate. It just...evolved that way. heh)
no subject
Date: 2007-11-14 02:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-14 05:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-14 07:02 am (UTC)You're lucky. Tate just melts down if you ask him to do something that isn't what he was going to do next. (I'll go make a post explaining why I'm calling him Tate. It just...evolved that way. heh)
no subject
Date: 2007-11-14 02:13 pm (UTC)