The sign of abuse everybody forgets...
May. 13th, 2006 02:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
conuly
It's not that it isn't listed on Every Single List of What Abusers Do... it's just the one nobody talks about.
It's the one where the abuser puts all his/her feelings on you. You make me happy. You made me love you. You're the reason I keep on living (like we can't recognize a veiled suicide threat when we hear it, right? Except that lots of people don't).
Now, plenty of reasonable, well-meaning, non-abusive people say things like that, thinking they're sweet. In and of itself, this isn't a good way to tell if your new person is abusive.
But for a certain segment of the population, it's just too easy to move from "You make me love you" to "You made me hit you" or "You were so hot, I couldn't help myself" and "If you leave me, I'll have to kill myself".
It's a complete lack of acknowledgement that they're ultimately in control of their actions, and some of it is abusive in and of itself. Threatening to harm somebody if you don't do what you want? That's abusive. My uncle is pulling this crap on my grandmother right now, threatening to leave and not take care of her if she doesn't start giving him more money. Half my family is making a mass trek to her right now to re-convince her that her son, unfortunately, is a jerk, and he doesn't deserve any more handouts or attention - other people can help out.
I'm a bit strange. Since I've read so many of those lists on what abusers do, I always associate those phrases with abuse (and that's definitely it - it's not personal experience that taught me "I had to love you" can be dangerous, no worries there!), which is causing me some trouble now - Ana goes to her toddler/pre-schooler things, and I cringe every time I hear a child's adult tell them that such-and-such an activity "really makes mommy/daddy/grandma happy", or "made me upset".
I know the point is to teach the kids to think about other people when deciding what to do, and I certainly don't think that these adults are abusing their kids - but the association in my mind is still there, y'know?
It's the one where the abuser puts all his/her feelings on you. You make me happy. You made me love you. You're the reason I keep on living (like we can't recognize a veiled suicide threat when we hear it, right? Except that lots of people don't).
Now, plenty of reasonable, well-meaning, non-abusive people say things like that, thinking they're sweet. In and of itself, this isn't a good way to tell if your new person is abusive.
But for a certain segment of the population, it's just too easy to move from "You make me love you" to "You made me hit you" or "You were so hot, I couldn't help myself" and "If you leave me, I'll have to kill myself".
It's a complete lack of acknowledgement that they're ultimately in control of their actions, and some of it is abusive in and of itself. Threatening to harm somebody if you don't do what you want? That's abusive. My uncle is pulling this crap on my grandmother right now, threatening to leave and not take care of her if she doesn't start giving him more money. Half my family is making a mass trek to her right now to re-convince her that her son, unfortunately, is a jerk, and he doesn't deserve any more handouts or attention - other people can help out.
I'm a bit strange. Since I've read so many of those lists on what abusers do, I always associate those phrases with abuse (and that's definitely it - it's not personal experience that taught me "I had to love you" can be dangerous, no worries there!), which is causing me some trouble now - Ana goes to her toddler/pre-schooler things, and I cringe every time I hear a child's adult tell them that such-and-such an activity "really makes mommy/daddy/grandma happy", or "made me upset".
I know the point is to teach the kids to think about other people when deciding what to do, and I certainly don't think that these adults are abusing their kids - but the association in my mind is still there, y'know?
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no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 07:32 pm (UTC)Mother duct-taped her five-year-old son to a chair, injured him, threatened to kill him with a knife -- claims she "had to" because he's autistic and was "causing trouble" (http://66.102.7.104/search?q=cache:HfoblVpaX7wJ:www.dailyhampshiregazette.com/storytmp.cfm%3Fid_no%3D51201082006)
I note that in that article, hey claim he's "severely" autistic-disabled, but in another one, they mention that the reason they know she did it was because not only did he have the marks and tape still on him, he TOLD them what she did...so since fscking when does their concept of "severely" anything include kids that speak? (I don't believe in the "severely" concept, but I think that it's a really bizarre/unnerving combination for others to be using.)
The earlier article mentioning him talking to police:
http://www.masslive.com/hampfrank/republican/index.ssf?/base/news-4/1147420336100220.xml&coll=1
It gets worse, too...note this line, after the mother had bound/threatened her kid:
"According to Wall, the Department of Social Services determined that it was safe for the boy and his mother to go home together..."
Serious WTF world.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 07:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 09:27 pm (UTC)"I think in some ways children are inferiors - although not less human - than adults. This is for good reason! When you're born, your brain is not fully formed, and your cognative skills are greatly lacking compared to an adult. A baby functions greatly on instinct and reaction, not logic or reason. A child, caught in the middle, hasn't formed all the pathways in his or her brain to understand the more sophisticated means by which adults solve problems between each other. A child's mind is simpler than an adult's."
http://community.livejournal.com/asperger/1093139.html?thread=18154259
Doesn't sound like what you've been saying about Ana...and it's not like you aren't doing a huge share of the job in raising her...
(Yes, I am rounding up people to go correct this person.)
no subject
Date: 2006-05-14 01:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-14 01:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-14 02:02 am (UTC)I don't have the original post because I didn't comment to it directly, unfortunately, but I bet someone else on my flist does if you want to see it for the purpose of replying to the person's comments with a better idea of what they meant. (As far as I can tell, the person never actually retracted any of it, just put "I'm stupid" there...which strikes me as a manipulative kind of tactic rather than an admission of not knowing any better.)
no subject
Date: 2006-05-14 02:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 09:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-14 03:48 am (UTC)I'll occasionally explain things like "Running away like that, you scared me, because it's dangerous" - but the emphasis is really trying to be on "it's dangerous, and plus it's scary" not "my feelings are directly in the control of the three-year-old"
no subject
Date: 2006-05-14 03:39 am (UTC)Last boyfriend used that one on me. Among others, but it was that one that sent me into an absolute tailspin. You just do not say that to a survivor of child sexual abuse. Just. Don't.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-14 03:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-15 06:57 am (UTC)http://laochbran.livejournal.com/225878.html?mode=reply
I trigger on some of those phrases too, even when they seem kind of okay. I also get uncomfortable or annoyed by the verbal attack patterns I recall from
no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 07:32 pm (UTC)Mother duct-taped her five-year-old son to a chair, injured him, threatened to kill him with a knife -- claims she "had to" because he's autistic and was "causing trouble" (http://66.102.7.104/search?q=cache:HfoblVpaX7wJ:www.dailyhampshiregazette.com/storytmp.cfm%3Fid_no%3D51201082006)
I note that in that article, hey claim he's "severely" autistic-disabled, but in another one, they mention that the reason they know she did it was because not only did he have the marks and tape still on him, he TOLD them what she did...so since fscking when does their concept of "severely" anything include kids that speak? (I don't believe in the "severely" concept, but I think that it's a really bizarre/unnerving combination for others to be using.)
The earlier article mentioning him talking to police:
http://www.masslive.com/hampfrank/republican/index.ssf?/base/news-4/1147420336100220.xml&coll=1
It gets worse, too...note this line, after the mother had bound/threatened her kid:
"According to Wall, the Department of Social Services determined that it was safe for the boy and his mother to go home together..."
Serious WTF world.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 07:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 09:27 pm (UTC)"I think in some ways children are inferiors - although not less human - than adults. This is for good reason! When you're born, your brain is not fully formed, and your cognative skills are greatly lacking compared to an adult. A baby functions greatly on instinct and reaction, not logic or reason. A child, caught in the middle, hasn't formed all the pathways in his or her brain to understand the more sophisticated means by which adults solve problems between each other. A child's mind is simpler than an adult's."
http://community.livejournal.com/asperger/1093139.html?thread=18154259
Doesn't sound like what you've been saying about Ana...and it's not like you aren't doing a huge share of the job in raising her...
(Yes, I am rounding up people to go correct this person.)
no subject
Date: 2006-05-14 01:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-14 01:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-14 02:02 am (UTC)I don't have the original post because I didn't comment to it directly, unfortunately, but I bet someone else on my flist does if you want to see it for the purpose of replying to the person's comments with a better idea of what they meant. (As far as I can tell, the person never actually retracted any of it, just put "I'm stupid" there...which strikes me as a manipulative kind of tactic rather than an admission of not knowing any better.)
no subject
Date: 2006-05-14 02:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 09:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-14 03:48 am (UTC)I'll occasionally explain things like "Running away like that, you scared me, because it's dangerous" - but the emphasis is really trying to be on "it's dangerous, and plus it's scary" not "my feelings are directly in the control of the three-year-old"
no subject
Date: 2006-05-14 03:39 am (UTC)Last boyfriend used that one on me. Among others, but it was that one that sent me into an absolute tailspin. You just do not say that to a survivor of child sexual abuse. Just. Don't.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-14 03:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-15 06:57 am (UTC)http://laochbran.livejournal.com/225878.html?mode=reply
I trigger on some of those phrases too, even when they seem kind of okay. I also get uncomfortable or annoyed by the verbal attack patterns I recall from