A note on the dictionary...

[conuly]

The dictionary, as we all know, is a list of words and their meanings. It often also includes such cool things as the etymology. Oh, how I love the dictionary!

I'm not sure how exactly lexographers work their magic - perhaps they accost people in the street and force them to use various words in sentences - but they do, keeping the sacred trust of listing how a word is used.

That means they include words like "fuck" and "ain't", and words that no sane person uses, like "uxoricide" and "defenestrate". (I use those words all the time, and I'm sure many of you are about to pipe up and claim you do as well. Don't bother, I know you're all nuts.)

However, here's a pesky thing about lexographers. Despite what some people think, they don't tell you how a word should be used, just how it is used. Often, you'll find a word with multiple definitions. Strange as it is, not everyone uses every definition. Maybe it's a regional thing - I know that the words "fanny" and "fag" have several definitions each, and people who use one definition for those words don't use the other, though both definitions may be listed in a comprehensive dictionary.

That is why I laugh at those who think "I go by what the dictionary says" is a good argument. It's not. It's like that Norman Rockwell painting, with the man who sets the clock tower using his pocketwatch. The dictionary goes by what the people say, and the people often disagree - violently, I think - on how words should be used.

So when I had that long argument with somebody over whether a "schmatte" was a rag or a headcovering, and whether a "babuska" was a headcovering or only your loving granny - neither of us was wrong. It was a classic example of linguistic drift, and the definition of both words depends on which city you're in. And when you say that a beach is any sandy area by water, and I say that no, it's only the sandy area by salt water - neither of us is wrong. If you're unfortunate enough to live in the middle of the country, a beach is either, but here in civilisation the coast, if you use "beach" to mean "lakeside", you'll only confuse people. You can point to your holy dictionary all you want, but it won't help you. Would that it were so simple to get people to change their speech for ones own convenience! I'd have everyone using thee!