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Listen to Your Mother. And Everyone Else.
By JILL EISENSTADT

COUNTRY moms might send their kids out to find the nicest pine cones, but here in the city, it's words we collect. "Listen up," I instruct my daughters, Jane, 9 and Lena, 7. "Whoever overhears the best stuff wins."

I am teaching them how to eavesdrop, my favorite urban pastime. For years, I've been filling notebooks with random things I've heard New Yorkers say, on the subway and the street, in stores, cafes and bank lines. Rightly famous as our city is for people-watching, it's people-listening I prefer.

An entire novel of mine was based on overhearing a man in a Cooper Union elevator explain: "She's really, really rich. Besides, I love her." And the first time I realized that being a parent might actually make a person better was after listening in to a boy on the street as he successfully cajoled his three-piece-suited father to "skip, Daddy, skip!"

New York must be the eavesdropping capital of the world. Where else would I find myself, on any given day, wondering: Is that some kind of Creole dialect? Did she compose that song about cotton balls herself? Is that man rehearsing lines, talking on a hands-free cellphone or out of his mind? Here, the soundtrack is always rolling and always in stereo. The city that never shuts up is a classroom of language identification, a bottomless reservoir of one-liners, tongue twisters, homemade aphorisms, found poetry and stand-up (walk-along) comedy. And right away my kids, all kids, get it.

On the first outing, beginner's luck proves real as we witness a reunion on our very own corner. "Nasty!" a man exclaims, examining a deep scratch on his friend's forehead. "My koala scratch wasn't that bad!"

"That one's mine!" Jane calls, excitedly imitating the Australian accent. "My koala scratch wasn't that bad! My koala scratch wasn't that bad!"

I hide my pride to offer some eavesdropping etiquette: Wait till the source is out of hearing range before quoting (or giggling). Respect foreign speakers. Mimic with kindness. Be discreet. No staring.

And later, at home, upon finding Jane with her ear pressed to a wall that we share with our neighbor: Eavesdrop in public only. Otherwise, it's a violation of privacy and possibly a crime. Eavesdrop on your parents, and you will be made to suffer.

Outing No. 2 is a music lesson. Try to erase the meaning of the words by chanting them over and over mantra-like till they dissolve into sound - refinance, refinance, refinance. Or why not zip out the rhythms on your sweatshirt? So, "Who cares about fat-free food?" becomes Zip Zip Zip-Zip Zip Zip Zip. Add a belching bus, a shrill repetitive "Mom-my," a string of pretty grace notes courtesy of the sparrows, and you have yourself an orchestral arrangement, if not melodic, then at least fresh.

Each block offers yet another ditty, played one time only. Each neighborhood offers a different key, depending on the dominant language, the season, the mood. Visit Wall Street for numbers. Find a natural foods restaurant to meditate on words like "arame" and "burdock." Now and then, take a moment to eavesdrop on yourself. Are you shrill or mumbling? Are you saying "like" between every other word? Notice the general pitch of a day.

Current events are played out in audio everywhere. A sound test after the presidential election would have registered an all-time low in prevailing vocal octaves. And as the weather is the continual chorus, for better or worse, sing along! Brisk out here. It got cold. It's so cold. Boy, it's cold. Aren't you cold? I'm sooooo cold!

The word eavesdropping, as you might guess, hails from a time and place, unlike New York, where houses commonly had eaves and folks were known to stand under them, listening. But long before eaves, humans were surely eavesdropping on one another. It's in our nature and thus our culture. What more resilient plot device has there been than the overheard, misunderstood conversation, from Greek tragedy to Hollywood film to, as my daughters handily point out, every single episode of "Rugrats"?

THE real-life complications that stem from this behavior are all too commonplace. There's Nixon, of course. And the robbery conviction of a 17-year-old was overturned because it was based partly on testimony from an eavesdropping parent.

But practiced without electronic devices, eavesdropping can teach us a lot about character, context, first impressions. More important, it's comedy. When I propose trying to decipher languages not our own, Lena decides that two teenagers arguing in Spanish translates to: "Something about what Jorge said he didn't say." A Polish woman cooing to a cranky baby must, Jane decides, be telling the infant a "knock-knock joke." A Pakistani cabdriver taking us home from the dentist is on his car radio advising someone to "brush in the back, and floss, floss, floss."

Soon, they're so hooked, no prompting or promised winner is necessary. They'll stand on lines without complaining. They'll sit for whole subway rides without even asking when we're going to get there. They want to take the subway instead of driving. Neither CD's nor radio could ever compete with this.

Father to daughter: "They invented a soundless vacuum, but it didn't sell."

Wife to husband: "Don't you have any secrets?"

Boy to girl: "If you'll be my friend, I'll pay you."

Some of my daughters' best lines were obtained without even leaving our stoop. Sit down close to the sidewalk, and you can hear just about every word that goes by. Try it with your eyes closed. Can you imagine who is talking to whom?

Boy to dog: "Looks like you been eatin' my crayons again."

Man in doctor coat into cellphone: "I told you, no pantyhose!"

Once we even heard instructions on how to make a citrus marinade.

Inventing back stories for our overheard fragments is our last and best activity. Filling in the blanks after "Dan, it's leaking" leads to a lengthy and hilarious tale involving love, crime and inflatable pets. When Jane finally stops laughing long enough to announce "The End," we look behind us to see a small crowd of kids from the block listening intently. "Hey," Lena protests. "They're eavesdropping on us!"