After we left the hospital we went to see my mother's electrophysiologist

[conuly]

which is the cardiology doctor who deals with pacemakers, and by the way, today is the first time I've ever managed to say the word "electrophysiologist" without stumbling. I'm still not sure I'm spelling it right.

We went to see him to hand over this fucking paperwork which we've been chasing doctors around left right and center about since April, and we actually faxed it to him already but apparently he never got it.

We also went to tell him in person about Mommy, because she likes him a lot and considers him a friend. She gives him dad jokes for his son. Apparently, his son gave him a joke to tell her next time he sees her, but he never did see her because of all this.

And he cried, and said he'll stop by tomorrow, as a friend and not a doctor.

So I told him the Cat on the Roof joke, which my mother loves. It's not just Mommy who loves it, Daddy loved it too, and when he died, my mother's first impulse was to break the news to us by saying "Daddy's on the roof". She managed to refrain, which is probably just as well, but she's spent the better part of the past 30 years telling that story to nearly everybody, which is why I told her EP, and I told him the context too so he'd know.

And here's the joke as my mother tells it:

There were two brothers, one of whom was kind of dim. Anyway, the other brother went on vacation, and asked that first brother to take care of his cat. On the first day of vacation, the man calls his brother and asks "Hey, how's the cat?" and his brother says "I'm sorry, the cat died." And this man loved his cat, so he hung up the phone and stormed off and didn't call back for three days. And when he called his brother again he said "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have acted like that. It's just that it was such a shock, especially since I loved that cat! You should have broken the news more gently. Like, you could have said 'The cat is on the roof.' I would have been concerned, but not too worried, and I'd call back the next day. And the next day you could have said 'Well, the cat fell off the roof, but she's at the vet.' And now I would have been a little more worried, but still, I would have had the time to process it. And then I'd call back the third day, and then you could say 'I'm so sorry, the vet did all she could, but unfortunately, the cat died' and that would be awful, but I wouldn't be surprised. Do you understand? But don't worry about it. I'm over it. So, how's Mom?"

"Um... Mom is on the roof."

Well, you can see why everybody in my family loves this joke.

Also, it turns out that doctor with the accent - it wasn't his accent OR his soft voice, both of which are a problem when combined with face masks and (probable) auditory processing disorder! No, we're all agreed (Me, Jenn, Michele) that he's just bad at talking to patients and their families, especially when it comes to bad news! Well, it's a skill you have to learn, and he's in his first year as a doctor (also, doctors need to ditch this weird system and come up with a sane ranking system of numbers instead of resident, attending, fellow, I don't know who outranks whom!) and clearly he needs a little help. Which we did tell somebody else to tell his supervisor to go over with him, because you need to be able to communicate with people who don't know anything and don't want to but also sorta need to. He was not clear at all! It's not just me who wasn't sure if I understood him right!

We did get a talk with a more senior doctor... with junior doctor standing right there, kinda awkward as hell, but he's gotta learn somehow. Actually, now that I think about it, a better way of learning might involve actors instead of actual on-the-job training...? People pretending to be the patients and their families? Oh well. We have no reason to think he's made any mistakes at the medicine part of the job, he just needs a bit more scaffolding with the people part.

Typing all this out is really good. I'm a lot less sob-y now.

Comments

[dark_phoenix54]

Oh, god, that joke is so bad it's hilarious!

Are you ready for the "I'm so sorry" yet? If so, I am. It's such a hard thing to deal with. {{{hugs}}}

[conuly]

Of course I'm not, but I'm also not ready for her to die and, welp, here we are I guess so I better suck it up at least a little. If I don't let everybody share their sympathy, I'm robbing you all of a chance to be a friend, and also robbing myself of a chance to have you all be friends. I'm sure to regret it later. It'd be a silly thing to have to regret. I already have enough pointless regrets about all this.

[readerjane]

When my dad has his heart-valve repair surgery, his surgeon was one of those brilliant guys who can’t relate to people worth a damn, but he’s so skilled you want him doing your surgery anyway. So Mayo Clinic has provided him with a posse, and there was always a younger cardiologist shepherding him around, who did all the talking. It worked great: Scalpel Guy and Friendly Guy. I don’t believe Scalpel Guy ever so much as made eye contact with any of us, but Friendly Guy made sure we knew what was going on, and my dad got the best of care.

ETA: I’m so sorry. I hadn’t read the post before this before responding to this one; now my answer sounds flippant, and I didn’t mean it to be.
I hope things go as well as possible. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all this grief.

[conuly]

Oh, no. We were being very flippant this entire time too. That's how our family does it! The last surgery my mother had, she was cracking up the surgeons as they wheeled her in.

[elainegrey]

The cat on the roof joke is a classic.

I am so sorry you are at this point. Holding you all in the Light.

[dine]

responses are never required, especially when things are hard.

I'm sorry you and your family are facing the hardest of all; I'm thinking of you.

[adafrog]

Like the joke.

Actually, there are sections with fake patients. Now there are even pretty good dummies that they can use in practice codes and etc. But real patients are always harder.

{{{hugs}}}

[konsectatrix]

Oh no cat on the roof! I haven't heard that one in forever. Hilarious and terrible and wrong.

The rest is differently awful and I'm sorry. This is so hard. I wish you strength.

[bitterlawngnome]

Used to be that actors *would* be hired to play the part of patients & family. Maybe that's gone away.

[kshandra]

I first heard the Cat on the Roof joke told by Jon Pertwee (in character as Worzel Gummidge) at a convention cabaret. I will not be at all surprised if I tell at least one person that gridlore is on the roof when the time comes.

My thoughts are with you and yours.

[bibliofile]

I heard the joke but with the phrase, "The cat's on the roof and we can't get them down."

I know at least one family who plans to use that phrase EXACTLY when that news needs telling. (One member of that family plans to die in action -- and he's up on the roof periodically, so it may even end up being factual.)

<3 <3 <3

p.s. -- Yes, you spelled eletrophysiologist correctly. My mom used to work for one.

[mtbc]

Thank you for sharing the joke, new to me and appreciated.

[siderea]

Oh I am sorry to hear this. I wish you all the best. It is so hard.

[oursin]

Sending good thoughts

[moxie_man]

Thoughts and prayers as I can't do much else.

[gingicat]

This is hard, and I send you strength.

[hudebnik]

Take care of one another. It's a rough experience, but sometimes ends up tying the survivors closer together.

[batwrangler]

It is so hard having to process medical speak and ask docs for clarification on top of everything else! (My family also had issues with docs who only spoke surgeon, but at least I have enough Latin and nurse-adjacent background to translate surgeon.)

[thewayne]

Some medical words can be tongue twisters, it took me a bit to master hypogammaglobulinemia, which is my condition.

[lilysea]

Actually, now that I think about it, a better way of learning might involve actors instead of actual on-the-job training...? People pretending to be the patients and their families?

I actually know two people who've been paid to do this (as actors) for medical staff!

[semperfiona]

My dad also tells the cat on the roof joke!

[rebeccmeister]

Thank you for sharing the cat on the roof joke/story with us.

I hope that you have some time to sit and hold her hand. It is a lot to go through.

[rebeccmeister]

...and then I started to read your prior post. I am largely here simply to read and witness; I know I've been grateful to have blog space and blog people as I've processed things with my own loved ones.