Changing the pronoun you've habitually used for a person

[conuly]

is harder than I realized. I'm sure I'll adapt, given enough time. I certainly have no emotional attachments to the one I'm used to using. But man oh man, it's turning out to be actually difficult. Habit's hard. Just gotta keep working at this one.

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Comments

[dine]

you're so right - changing pronouns used is quite hard; occasionally I still slip when I'm talking with a mutual friend and not thinking

[conuly]

I knew it might be tricky, but I dramatically underestimated. (And I'm not even shocked that this person is nonbinary, either. "Gosh, I had no idea!" No. It would be easier for them if they weren't, but it's not really surprising that they are.)

[thawrecka]

Yeah, I've often found it strangely difficult, as with any change of a long habit.

[conuly]

Well, perseverence.

[heron61]

I've found it gets easier with each successive person I know who changes pronouns (I know lots of trans people). Also, the first time was very odd, my partner Becca and I were both exceedingly careful when my friend Aaron went from she to he, and one bizarre and entirely unexpected result was that we both ceased using female pronouns entirely for around a month - everyone became he/his.

[conuly]

I've found it gets easier with each successive person I know who changes pronouns

Gosh, I certainly hope so. Otherwise I'll just have to only ever meet people who already are using the pronouns they like, and how can I guarantee to do that?

[hamsterwoman]

I've also found it easier with each successive person.

Also a lot easier if the pronoun change is accompanied by a name change than when it's not. (My daughter's friend went from androgynous name + she to androgynous name that's spelled slightly differently but sounds the same + he, and although I think of the name itself as masculine -- I've known other guys with this name, but no girls -- I'm finding it harder to keep the new pronouns straight than with a coworker who transition to male pronouns around the same time, along with a name change.)

[conuly]

Also a lot easier if the pronoun change is accompanied by a name change than when it's not.

That makes sense for the brain, but of course I can hardly go up to somebody and say "YOU! CHANGE YOUR NAME!" just for my own convenience. (I mean, I could? But it'd be shitty?)

[wpadmirer]

Still avoiding sad news.

The octopus article was interesting. I am fascinated by octopuses. The Japanese "art of being useless" is fun.

About the changing pronouns, I really struggle with they/them. I think my English major brain just wants to correct the grammar of it, because as I work at it, I'm getting better.

[ruuger]

About the changing pronouns, I really struggle with they/them.

I've had the exact opposite happen. Finnish doesn't have gendered pronouns, but last week when I was doing a translation from English to Finnish, instead of 'hänen' (3rd person singular possesive) I kept accidentally writing 'heidän' (3rd person plural possesive).

[wpadmirer]

Well, there you go. I don't speak Finnish. (grin)

[conuly]

That must've been frustrating!

[elisi]

is harder than I realized. I'm sure I'll adapt, given enough time. I certainly have no emotional attachments to the one I'm used to using. But man oh man, it's turning out to be actually difficult. Habit's hard. Just gotta keep working at this one.
Yes, I discovered this too, when a lady at work came out as trans. I've known her as male for... 7 years, so changing that automatic 'he' to 'she' has taken a while. But repetition makes it easier.

[crystalpyramid]

I found it way harder to switch pronouns for my sibling than it had ever been for the various college friends and students who had changed pronouns.

[redbird]

I seem to be finding it easier when the name also changes, especially if the new name is one that's generally considered gendered: of course Lily is "she" and Elliot is "he." About a nonbinary friend who is still using their original gendered name, I sometimes slip and say "she," though I'm catching it quickly, at least. (Pixels are easier to correct than spoken conversation.)

[oracleofdoom]

It's definitely hard. One of my friends came out NB as an act of defiance after the 2016 election (choosing that moment to come out was the act of defiance, they really are NB). They changed their name, and it's taken a lot of getting used to. But this person has been understanding and appreciates that we're making the effort. And it gets easier, gradually.

[nocowardsoul]

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FINALLY. I wish more people would realize this.

[archangelbeth]

I went through a phase where the pronoun itself was 'wrong' for everyone. I still sometimes get this weird feeling about it. Like my brain wants to just substitute the "they" pronoun for that other pronoun. On everyone.

(Gets even more brain-hurting when they're not "out" to everyone, and I have to use the Wrong Pronoun in restaurants and stuff. *facepalm*)

BUT! I persevere! And occasionally correct people who get told and don't even try. Those make me so angry...

Luck!

[larryhammer]

Yes, it does take practice.