And as I do it, I've also been reviewing them on Amazon, trying hard to avoid just marking everything five stars. That site suffers from serious overrating of books sometime, probably because they don't make clear what the stars should stand for, so people use five stars as the default "like it" level, and one star as the default "don't like it" level.
But I digress. As I've been entering books, I've been mocking to myself other people's poorly written reviews (not that mine are always great, you understand).
Since the girls are eating their snack (goat yogurt! sheep yogurt! Yay! By the way, sheep yogurt absolutely ROCKS and you should try some, *nodnodnod*), I thought I'd post a brief bit on the sort of things that will cause me, unequivocally, to make your review as Not Even Remotely Helpful.
1. I really don't like it when people whine that they'll probably get marked down for having an unpopular opinion. Just because you're petty doesn't mean the rest of us are.
2. I will mark you down if, when you mean to say "I don't like this book for these reasons" you go "This book is totally inappropriate for any child ever and I think all those people marking it up are crazy". Don't insult me, or anybody else, just because we happen to disagree with you. That's just rude, and it doesn't persuade me anyway.
3. Reviews that run "This book is boring, don't buy it" or, worse, say the same thing but with more hyperbole? Not helpful. Give me some examples of how it's boring (or a bad example for kids, or poorly written, whatever), don't expect me to take your word for it! This goes double if everybody else has given this book five stars. (This one doesn't apply for reviews saying "This book rocks". I assume you're incoherent with glee.)
4. If you don't like the art, say "I don't like the art". If you specifically don't like the color or the way the people are drawn, say that. Don't go on and on about how "even a baby" could do better, and how the artist is "really bad at what he does" and should "never draw again" and how your "eyes burn". Just don't. It's rude, and even if I agree with you, I'm never gonna call your review helpful.
5. Not every book is for every person. If you want to censor your child's reading, do that. Don't neglect this duty and then act all shocked that your kid read something you don't like. "I didn't know I had to pre-read picture books!!!!!" Yeah, well, you do. And this goes double for books in the "Heather Has Two Mommies" genre, because the subject of those books shouldn't be taking anyone by surprise. If you know in advance that a book is written for people who don't believe what you do - don't read it! And don't review it, because you're NOT the intended audience anyway.
If you legitimately can claim to have been surprised, fine, go ahead and post about the matter of the book so that other people can use the information. (And how I wish Amazon had a no-rating, just review option!) But even then - use reasonable language, thanks. Not everybody shares your put-on outrage over everything.
6. Don't post about how you "don't understand" the zillion positive ratings for a book you hate. If you don't understand it, try reading everybody else's reviews. That might help it all become clear to you.
7. If you ordered a board book, and got a board book, and were Very Upset that you got a board book - that's your own damn fault. Learn to read the information before you click "purchase". All you're doing is skewing the results for everybody else.
8. A note to teachers everywhere - STOP. TELLING. YOUR. KIDS. TO. GO. ON. AMAZON! They regularly break all these rules, and they type badly too. Just stop doing it. STOP.
Anywhere, here are my three pages o' reviews. All the reviews say the same thing, I don't want to type three separate ones, you know.
AmazonLibraryThingGoodReads![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
