Oh wait, wait, wait.... minor snag.

[conuly]

Time trav el ing can ni bal mer maids has... um... 9 syllables. That's a bit long to cram into a haiku, unless I a. abbreviate or b. ditch the syllable rule. What should I do?

Comments

[ysobel]

cannibal mermaids
they travel, sparkling, through time
and they EAT YOUR BRAAAAINS


...wait, I think I got some zombie thrown in there. whoops?

[conuly]

Well, why shouldn't they eat brains if they're cannibals?

[ysobel]

Cannibals eat brains. Zombies eat BRAAAIIIINS. There's a distinct difference ;)

[velasco.livejournal.com]

Could always ditch the haiku and make it haiku-like, I'm sure nobody will hold you to it as long as it looks vaguely poetic. Though I suppose you only really need to use the whole phrase maybe once or twice, the rest of the time you can shorten it.

[dandelion.livejournal.com]

"Cannibal mermaids -
what's so special about that?"
"They time-travel too."

[brownkitty.livejournal.com]

Maidens from the sea,
Cannibals, time travellers:
Wait, say that again?

[marveen.livejournal.com]

Let me weave a tale
Of time-travelling cannibals--
And mermaids, at that!

[brownkitty.livejournal.com]

Why oh why is this trying to mutate into Gilligan's Island in my head?

Our three-hour tour
Was sidetracked by cannibal
mermaid-shaped Timelords!

[marveen.livejournal.com]

The really funny part is that here at the marine, the boat at the end of our dock is a sister ship to the Minnow (the Captain says it MAY have been used to film the series, but he doesn't know for sure).

[darkpoole.livejournal.com]

Sparkly vampires?
Why? We have time traveling
cannibal mermaids!

OR

The time traveling
cannibal mermaids dine on
emo vampires.

[sayga.livejournal.com]

I think trav-ling would be perfectly appropriate. And if you change cannibal to flesh eating, you can at least put flesh and eating on separate lines. It's not exactly the SAME, but maybe that'll help!

[conuly]

I can't put them on separate lines, that's worse than ditching the syllable structure.

[sayga.livejournal.com]

Wait, I never suggested to ditch the syllable structure. When I say "traveling" I say it in 2 syllables. Plus, enjambment is a poetic technique of running onto the next line mid-thought. I thought it would be ok to do something like this:

something something flesh
eating mermaids blah.

[conuly]

No, I suggested ditching the syllable structure. In haiku, each line is a complete thought... but ditching the syllable structure may or may not be okay when dealing with languages other than Japanese.

[ncp.livejournal.com]

Limericks instead of haiku. You'll have to mess with the emphasis, but it still works:

time TRA-vel-ling CAN-nib-bal MER-maids

[sporks5000.livejournal.com]

Add "the" at the beginning and write it in iambic pentameter instead.

[diatryma.livejournal.com]

I'd say ditch the syllable structure and keep things as condensed as possible, plus you don't necessarily have to use 'time-traveling cannible mermaids' in every bit. 'They' works fine.

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Well, really strictly the "syllable rule" is nonsense anyway, and according to the original mora rule time-travelling cannibal mermaids would have 20 mora already (ta-i-mu to-ra-be-r-ri-n-gu ka-n-ni-ba-ru ma-h-me-i-dsu).

I know "Western" haiku are supposed to work on syllables, but I think in that case you may as well disregard the strict 5-7-5 pattern. If you mess the original rules around in order to make it work for Something That Is Not Japanese, you may as well bend the rules yet more. As long as you still keep it condensed, and finish your thoughts, and write about unique and concrete, preferrably seasonal events but add that surprising conclusional meta-comment element in the last line, it should actually be better than many 5-7-5 syllable haiku that completely ignore the other formal requirements. Basshô is dead anyway, he won't sue you... ;)

[marveen.livejournal.com]

What the hell is that similar form that has two more lines?

Peg Bracken illustrated it with

"a nonfrivolous folk
fond of bowing, stocking feet
and eating pickles"

for the haiku, then added two more lines, thus:

"a nonfrivolous folk
fond of bowing, stocking feet
and eating pickles;
they go blossom-viewing now
in jazzy souped-up hondas"

for that other form which I canNOT remember the name of. (Google is unhelpful as usual.)

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Tanka? That would fit the description.

[marveen.livejournal.com]

That's probably it.

[ser-kai.livejournal.com]

Maybe describe them over more than one line?

[conuly]

No.