conuly

Current Mood: pissed off

In fact, I did scream, and I'm not proud of what I said.

But here's what happened:

After a fairly good day out, we were finally headed home. A bit late, but not overly so. I should have taken Ana's late rising into account, though.

On the bus (not a normal bus, but one with the seats in rows one in front of another, like an express bus without the express), Ana first sat down and was behaving fairly well. But as she moves around, trying to see another passenger, she bumps the seat in front of her. So I tell her "You can't kick the seat in front of you" and then (because she tries) "You can't kick the seat in front of me either."

So she's not kicking. But then she sees her shoes are unvelcroed, so she puts her feet up fix them. This is already several minutes from the first incident, and I've been watching her, I *know* she didn't do any kicking in the interim.

And the woman in front of her says something along the lines of "Please make your kid stop kicking my seat".

Well, I don't want Ana kicking her seat either, so I tell Ana to stop. And she whines at me, and it just escalates from there. The more I try to stop her, the more the woman in front of us mutters to herself - the more Ana becomes determined to yell, and whine, and, above all, kick. _{Little brat.}

Which eventually leads to the woman in front of us yelling "Stop TOUCHING me!!!!" and me yelling back "I'm doing the best I fucking can!" which didn't make anybody happy, and certainly didn't solve the problem.

Here's what I would have said if I'd had the time and energy to come up with a coherant response:

Listen. You're on a bus. And not everybody on the bus is gonna act like they should. They'll talk too loudly, or curse (Hi!), or they'll kick your chair, and I'm sorry, I really am, but that's life. I wish she weren't kicking your seat. But, again - we're on a bus. What, exactly, do you expect me to do? I can't give her a time-out. What will I say, sit here and don't move? I'm already saying that! I can't take away her toy, she doesn't have a toy. I can't bend her over my knee and smack her - and even if that were a reasonable idea, there's no damn room and you'd just get kicked a lot in the process. About the only thing I can do that'd stop the kicking is get off the bus. And at this hour of the day, I'm just not doing that. I'm sorry, I am, but I need to get home now, I'm already running late.

About the only thing I can do on the bus is threaten her with future consequences, and, really... she's four. I'm trying, but the "You'll have a time-out when we get off the bus" and "I'm going to tell your parents you were misbehaving" bit isn't working, she doesn't think like that yet. Yes, I am doing my best to hold her little legs down, but it doesn't work as well as you'd like. You should know that by now. SO SHUT UP ALREADY.

And what gets me is that I'm pretty sure that if she hadn't mentioned it in the first place (reasonably enough though it was), I would not have chosen to correct her (but probably to distract her), Ana would never have actually began kicking her seat, there wouldn't've been a huge drama over this, and everybody would have been happier.

So I mis-stepped. I should've done something differently to stop this conflict before it started. But on the other hand, she could've chosen a different method to communicate to me than muttering complaints. (If you're curious, despite what people say, I do find it's best to treat other people's kids like, y'know, people and ask them directly to behave. Not to discipline them or anything, but turn around really and ask them "Hey, I don't know if you realize this, but you're hurting me when you kick me. Please stop." Just like nobody talks to my Mommy when I curse them out on the bus (sorry!) for my own issues. Talking to me about it doesn't send the message clearly home to Ana that people care how *she* acts.)

(Once we finally made our way home, Ana had a time-out, and I told her mom what had happened, and told both Ana and Jenn that if I heard Ana had behaved badly upstate, I would not take her out to the park on Monday with Su. As I told Ana, I *will not* go out with children who won't behave. I do not appreciate the attention I get. I don't care *how* tired she is, there are limits)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

phoenix-blue.livejournal.com

Geez, because the other woman couldn't have been bothered to stand the hell up if she was that bothered by it.

From:

conuly

Or sit somewhere where there wasn't anybody behind her, I know.

I mean, she has the right to sit without being kicked, I'm not arguing the point. But I really was doing the best I could short of getting off. And that time of day, Ana's cranky, I'm cranky, baby's cranky - I wasn't going to do that.

From:

lizziey.livejournal.com

I've had a woman bitch beacuse I was talking on my cell phone. Not even loudly. Just TALKING.

Woman1 to woman2: Jesus fucking Christ, is she EVER going to hang up so I can ride in peace?!

Woman2: Probably not. I know her, and he husband is in the army and away from her.

Woman1: Well, I don't appreciate having to hear someone talk on the phone for my whole ride home, I just want to relax!

Woman2: *mumbles something under her breath*

Woman1: *Continues whining and bitching, and being WAY louder and more obnoxious than I, and also NOT SHUTTING UP*

My stop: *arrives*

Me: *getting off and passing woman1*: Hey, chris. Imagine this...being on a public bus and there being other people on it. Can you IMAGAINE such an horrible thing?!

Chris and bus driver: *laughing quite hard*

Because you know, being in public and having to deal with other human beings is JUST HARD. D:

From:

xiggaroo.livejournal.com

oh please, you always talk loudly. :P

connie - your response wasn't so bad. i'd've smacked the back of her head. the lady, i mean, not ana. ;)

From:

lizziey.livejournal.com

Yes, normally I do. But after being fucking stalked and having to get my cop BIL to talk to two teenage girls beacuse they wanted to "fuck me up" for talking too ludly on my cell phone (this incident went one for two weeks of them being on EVERY bus I went to see the kids by, like they waited to see what time I left), I got much quieter. :)

From:

conuly

I wanted to smack *both* of them. But I have self-control, yay.

The woman was right - her seat should not have been kicked. But she approached it in a way that made it hard for me to actually stop the kicking, and I wasn't thinking clearly/calmly enough to find another way out.

From:

mayna.livejournal.com

I don't know if this would work for Ana, but it works for Maylie, is instead of "get a time out when we get home" (which wouldn't work), I threaten to take away things that she REALLY wants like "You won't get a movie tonight" or "You won't get any dessert and everyone else is going to have ice cream" if she doesn't do what I want her to do.

It marginally works for Greg, depends on his mood. For him I might've said "I can either hold your legs down the whole trip, or you can keep them off the seat yourself." Which might get him screaming actually, but hey at least he wouldn't be kicking the seat. ;-)

Or if i was tired I might've done the same thing you did. ;-)

From:

conuly

Thet don't watch movies in the evening, nor do they usually have desserts. And telling her I'd not go out with her on another day got "Well, I don't like going out with you" which is a lie, thank you very much. And I was holding down her legs, inasmuch as this was possible.

I do believe things would've been better if we weren't so late - her being tired made her behaviour less good, less easy. But that's not an excuse for her.