I have a problem.

[conuly]

There's this woman I talk to at the Farmer's Market, we've been friendly since forever.

And every time I see her... well... she knows about our various financial situations. She keeps slipping me money.

So today, I talk to her, we're good, and as I turn to go - she hands me some money. After arguing, I finally just take it, because how do you politely tell somebody "don't give me money!"

And as I leave she slips some more money in my bag.

It's like being pickpocketed, but worse. It's putpocketing. It's really damn embarrassing. Youse guys know I don't mind asking for stuff when I need it, but this isn't the same at all!

And I can't just tell her to knock it off, because I do like her, and anyway, she's old, and I apparently feel that one shouldn't just up and yell at old people, not without a really good reason. "Stop giving me money" isn't a really good reason, much though I think it is.

Heeeeeeeeelp meeeeeeee.

Comments

[sayga.livejournal.com]

is lying any better? you could always tell her next time you see her that you really appreciate her helping you through the hard times, but suddenly things have gotten better (and make up a story about how they did)... i don't know. i don't know what i'd do in that situation.

[conuly]

Yeah, but she's seen me with the kidlets. If things have gotten better, why am I not in school?

There's a question for the ages.

[leora.livejournal.com]

I can help take unwanted money off your hands. *G* I always try to help out friends.

[ladyshrew.livejournal.com]

I just have to snicker. ::snickers::

[leora.livejournal.com]

Hey, I'm a good cause :)

[ladyshrew.livejournal.com]

Hee!! I'm sure you are!

[peebs1701.livejournal.com]

1. You could tell her you feel really bad about taking the money from her since you don't need it.

2. You could use the money to buy something for her.

3. You could shut up and take the money while smiling politely and saying "thank you." She's a little old lady who is trying to do something nice and it makes her feel really good and you already said you don't want to hurt her feelings anyway. :)

That last one isn't meant to sound as mean as I think it comes off in writing.

[mayna.livejournal.com]

That's a good idea, I like the first one.

[conuly]

So would I. If it worked.

I suspect that would result in an even larger bit of money being putpocketed, if I followed through on it and didn't give up arguing.

[ladyshrew.livejournal.com]

I sort of have to agree with the general idea of #3. I mean, she seems to get a lot of joy out of helping you. And, y'know, she may actually have a lot of money she'd like to get rid of and give to people who could use it before she passes away.

But I guess I'd find out if she can really afford to give you the money and if she has anyone else who could use it more than you. If she doesn't and if she can afford it, then I think there's no harm in giving her that particular joy.

Old people are like that about giving away money, I've noticed. We've got a guy at Borders who insists on tipping more than his coffee costs at the cafe (no, seriously) and who once wouldn't let me give him back his dollar when he gave me a dollar too much to make change for him. (I seriously told him I wasn't even allowed to accept it at the registers, and he was like, rules are meant to be broken!)

[brownkitty.livejournal.com]

Could you tell her that you're concerned she's shorting herself to give you money, so you're not comfortable taking her money now but you're grateful for what she's given you in the past?

[conuly]

That... may work. I'll try it, see how it goes.

[ladyshrew.livejournal.com]

Oh!! Alternately, if she continues to give you money, you could put it aside and collect enough to make a donation somewhere in her name. That way, it's going to a good cause, and you don't have to feel bad accepting it.

[l33tminion]

I don't have any advice, but the idea of someone who goes around antipickpocketing people is pretty amusing.

[dkmnow.livejournal.com]

Ouch. Yeah, I've had that problem, and I still have no idea how to deal with it comfortably.

Sometimes it's just clueless generosity. But usually, it's a guilt-trip disguised as generosity.

Neither is easy, but refusing the latter can be incredibly liberating.

[conuly]

Pretty sure it's the former, which makes me feel bad about telling her to knock it off (in terms that will result in her, ah, knocking it off).

[darkpoole.livejournal.com]

How about something along the lines of "Thank you, but I really can't accept this. What you've done has been very helpful in the past, and I really appreciate it, but I'm getting on my feet now and it's important to me to get the rest of the way through this on my own. Can you please allow me my dignity?"

[conuly]

Bit overwrought, I think.

She's not taking my dignity, anyway - I'm embarrassed, but mostly because I feel like I'm ripping off a little old lady, not because I don't want the help.

Still, with some modifications....

[darkpoole.livejournal.com]

Hence "along the lines of..."

I've occasionally been in the situation of having to turn down offers of help, but luckily it's always been people who would accept "thanks but no thanks" and not try to force assistance on me. Well, except once where I very nearly got into a fight over my host insisting that she pay a ridiculous fare to put me on a cab to the airport and my insisting that she save her money and let me take public transit. In retrospect, I honestly don't know why I forced that fight, since I wound up insulting her hospitality. I guess it was my desire for... transportation autonomy? Whatever... it was a pretty stupid argument and made me out to be a rude guest.

[failstoexist.livejournal.com]

hmmm interesting. well, if you know her, you probably know if she has family in the area, etc. maybe she just doesn't have anyone else to share with and genuinely wants to give. then telling her that slipping it in your bag makes you uncomfortable...tell her something like you want to be able to thank her properly...and you can set a limit. Say "that's too much" and if she insists, take half or something.

If you see her very often, you might want to tell her that it's too much...that if she really enjoys giving, that's fine, but save it for holidays and in small amounts, rather than "just because"..or tell her that you appreciate her help in the past, and in the future if you need a loan, you'll know where to go, but at the moment you're comfortable and can buy the things you'd like to buy. give her some sense that you wouldn't be afraid or embarassed to ask if you *really* needed help.

[sayga.livejournal.com]

is lying any better? you could always tell her next time you see her that you really appreciate her helping you through the hard times, but suddenly things have gotten better (and make up a story about how they did)... i don't know. i don't know what i'd do in that situation.

[conuly]

Yeah, but she's seen me with the kidlets. If things have gotten better, why am I not in school?

There's a question for the ages.

[leora.livejournal.com]

I can help take unwanted money off your hands. *G* I always try to help out friends.

[ladyshrew.livejournal.com]

I just have to snicker. ::snickers::

[leora.livejournal.com]

Hey, I'm a good cause :)

[ladyshrew.livejournal.com]

Hee!! I'm sure you are!

[peebs1701.livejournal.com]

1. You could tell her you feel really bad about taking the money from her since you don't need it.

2. You could use the money to buy something for her.

3. You could shut up and take the money while smiling politely and saying "thank you." She's a little old lady who is trying to do something nice and it makes her feel really good and you already said you don't want to hurt her feelings anyway. :)

That last one isn't meant to sound as mean as I think it comes off in writing.

[mayna.livejournal.com]

That's a good idea, I like the first one.

[conuly]

So would I. If it worked.

I suspect that would result in an even larger bit of money being putpocketed, if I followed through on it and didn't give up arguing.

[ladyshrew.livejournal.com]

I sort of have to agree with the general idea of #3. I mean, she seems to get a lot of joy out of helping you. And, y'know, she may actually have a lot of money she'd like to get rid of and give to people who could use it before she passes away.

But I guess I'd find out if she can really afford to give you the money and if she has anyone else who could use it more than you. If she doesn't and if she can afford it, then I think there's no harm in giving her that particular joy.

Old people are like that about giving away money, I've noticed. We've got a guy at Borders who insists on tipping more than his coffee costs at the cafe (no, seriously) and who once wouldn't let me give him back his dollar when he gave me a dollar too much to make change for him. (I seriously told him I wasn't even allowed to accept it at the registers, and he was like, rules are meant to be broken!)

[brownkitty.livejournal.com]

Could you tell her that you're concerned she's shorting herself to give you money, so you're not comfortable taking her money now but you're grateful for what she's given you in the past?

[conuly]

That... may work. I'll try it, see how it goes.

[ladyshrew.livejournal.com]

Oh!! Alternately, if she continues to give you money, you could put it aside and collect enough to make a donation somewhere in her name. That way, it's going to a good cause, and you don't have to feel bad accepting it.

[l33tminion]

I don't have any advice, but the idea of someone who goes around antipickpocketing people is pretty amusing.

[dkmnow.livejournal.com]

Ouch. Yeah, I've had that problem, and I still have no idea how to deal with it comfortably.

Sometimes it's just clueless generosity. But usually, it's a guilt-trip disguised as generosity.

Neither is easy, but refusing the latter can be incredibly liberating.

[conuly]

Pretty sure it's the former, which makes me feel bad about telling her to knock it off (in terms that will result in her, ah, knocking it off).

[darkpoole.livejournal.com]

How about something along the lines of "Thank you, but I really can't accept this. What you've done has been very helpful in the past, and I really appreciate it, but I'm getting on my feet now and it's important to me to get the rest of the way through this on my own. Can you please allow me my dignity?"

[conuly]

Bit overwrought, I think.

She's not taking my dignity, anyway - I'm embarrassed, but mostly because I feel like I'm ripping off a little old lady, not because I don't want the help.

Still, with some modifications....

[darkpoole.livejournal.com]

Hence "along the lines of..."

I've occasionally been in the situation of having to turn down offers of help, but luckily it's always been people who would accept "thanks but no thanks" and not try to force assistance on me. Well, except once where I very nearly got into a fight over my host insisting that she pay a ridiculous fare to put me on a cab to the airport and my insisting that she save her money and let me take public transit. In retrospect, I honestly don't know why I forced that fight, since I wound up insulting her hospitality. I guess it was my desire for... transportation autonomy? Whatever... it was a pretty stupid argument and made me out to be a rude guest.

[failstoexist.livejournal.com]

hmmm interesting. well, if you know her, you probably know if she has family in the area, etc. maybe she just doesn't have anyone else to share with and genuinely wants to give. then telling her that slipping it in your bag makes you uncomfortable...tell her something like you want to be able to thank her properly...and you can set a limit. Say "that's too much" and if she insists, take half or something.

If you see her very often, you might want to tell her that it's too much...that if she really enjoys giving, that's fine, but save it for holidays and in small amounts, rather than "just because"..or tell her that you appreciate her help in the past, and in the future if you need a loan, you'll know where to go, but at the moment you're comfortable and can buy the things you'd like to buy. give her some sense that you wouldn't be afraid or embarassed to ask if you *really* needed help.