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Sooooooo, sorry for going awol there.
Feb. 14th, 2022 11:52 pmI think I worked out what happened. It sounds completely stupid when said rationally, but nevertheless, here it is:
There's a lot of stuff I have to do and don't wanna do and have a lot of sometimes rational and sometimes not anxiety about doing, but I have to do it, and somehow or other all that paralyzing, brain-freezing anxiety got pushed off into the one thing I actually wanted to do, aka, making that ficathon directory.
And so I didn't do it, and paradoxically, encouraging comments make it worse, like having the walls close in. (This is not a sentiment you'd normally hear me say. In meat terms, I like being in a nice, enclosed space like a closet or under a bed. But I don't like being trapped, because ugh.
And that infected virtually everything Dreamwidthy, which is why I haven't posted or read my friends page in forever.
In completely related news, somebody elsewhere posted about demand avoidance in autistics and I'm only mentioning it because Jenn mentioned it months earlier and yeah, it sounds familiar and I think she'll like being able to ostentatiously not mention it tomorrow when she reads this. I'm such a kind and loving sister.
Anyway, I'm going to close comments so nobody says anything nice and helpful like "You don't have to do anything if you don't want to" or "No worries!" because I think those are counterintuitively not helpful at all, so no. And I really know that stuff anyway. And then I'll figure out what I'm going to do tomorrow.
There's a lot of stuff I have to do and don't wanna do and have a lot of sometimes rational and sometimes not anxiety about doing, but I have to do it, and somehow or other all that paralyzing, brain-freezing anxiety got pushed off into the one thing I actually wanted to do, aka, making that ficathon directory.
And so I didn't do it, and paradoxically, encouraging comments make it worse, like having the walls close in. (This is not a sentiment you'd normally hear me say. In meat terms, I like being in a nice, enclosed space like a closet or under a bed. But I don't like being trapped, because ugh.
And that infected virtually everything Dreamwidthy, which is why I haven't posted or read my friends page in forever.
In completely related news, somebody elsewhere posted about demand avoidance in autistics and I'm only mentioning it because Jenn mentioned it months earlier and yeah, it sounds familiar and I think she'll like being able to ostentatiously not mention it tomorrow when she reads this. I'm such a kind and loving sister.
Anyway, I'm going to close comments so nobody says anything nice and helpful like "You don't have to do anything if you don't want to" or "No worries!" because I think those are counterintuitively not helpful at all, so no. And I really know that stuff anyway. And then I'll figure out what I'm going to do tomorrow.
