We just got a lovely bouquet for my mother from her job.

[conuly]

And to be fair, my mother would've liked these flowers.

On the other hand, she would've also liked snacks. I'm begging you, if you have the irrepressible urge to send something to somebody's house after a death, mine or anybody else's, consider a (culturally appropriate) gift basket. It reminds them to eat, plus they don't have to figure out what to do with food the way they have to do figure out what to do with flowers.

(Also, of late, none of the gift baskets I've gotten have made me cry. Flowers, apparently, are something else entirely.)

Edit: Not, of course, that I don't appreciate nice gestures, but... I'm still a bit too sad to appreciate flowers politely, I guess? Sorry.

Comments

[spiffikins]

When my mom passed, her sisters/mom/brother who all live in Saskatchewan sent us a MASSIVE floral arrangement. We were sort of in the same boat - like - it's a nice gesture - but it cost them a LOT of money - and what are we going to do with it? It sat on the counter for a week - ultimately we pulled out the dead bits and spruced it up a bit, and took it to the memorial service to put on the table next to the photo of my mom that we printed out and had on the provided easel.

It made my aunts feel good that they were "part" of the service I think - and while my mom would have loved the flowers -she wasn't really *there* to enjoy them?

Food - now - food would have been fabulous :D I totally appreciate now, the midwestern tradition of bringing a casserole to people after someone dies!

Big hugs to you - I know that everything must feel a bit raw right now. Take care of yourself - and - the best piece of advice that one of the hospice nurses gave me - be kind to yourselves and to each other.

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

My sympathies.

Yeah, snacks are good. Hot drink baskets, where you get a mug, tea or cocoa, maybe some toppers all together. Some comfort foods can be found in basket form, like those fancy soup mixes. Preferably stuff with mood-lifting nutrients, because when you're already feeling low, junk food can make that worse. Anything to minimize the amount of thought and effort required to eat, or do anything.

Something I came across in writing: one of my settings, Terramagne, has a couple of organizations that offer meal plans for bereaved families so they don't have to cook. Then there's the Sad Cat line of products with T-shirts, blankets, fuzzy bathrobes, etc. for comfort wear. And almost every funeral home has a display of that stuff in a corner, along with local resources such as maid services and pet sitters, so that guests can set up sympathy gifts that take care of mundane details for the bereaved, thus freeing up time and energy for actual grief work. I wish we had that here. But local-America doesn't even guarantee time off work. :/

[baranduin]

Makes complete sense to me.

[conuly]

Mmm. And it's not just my opinion! My sister and mother, too, spent the past three decades trying to spread the gospel of gift baskets far and wide.

[fox]

When my dad died, we completely spaced on getting flowers or any type of decoration for the memorial service, so the fact that my side job and one or two other people sent flowers there was extra handy - they were there when we got there, which was when it occurred to us that we'd forgotten to do anything of the sort.

To the house, however, yes, gift baskets, edible bouquets, party trays, especially (a) nonperishables and (b) protein. (Or (c) both, for the win.)

Hang in there.

[sabotabby]

That's valid. Though, make sure it's something the person likes. My esteemed colleagues once sent me an edible arrangement (I don't remember if it was my stepdad's death or my own cancer surgery, but either way I didn't have any appetite), full of exactly the kind of almost-rotting fruit that I dislike. It's very hard to be gracious about these things sometimes.

[senmut]

Southeastern USA born and raised... you take or send FOOD to the grievers. Flowers are solely for the funeral/wake itself, unless specifically asked not to.

Finding out these habits were not custom elsewhere was a rude shock.

[thewayne]

My friend's wife died suddenly in Omaha - toxic prescription drug interaction/overdose turned off her brain - and they had a food operation that specialized in 'bake and serve' meals! Really good stuff. They were Mormons and I guess the church is clued in, and lots of stuff came over from that place, and we were set up well for some time while I helped him.

[jesuswasbatman]

Sorry I missed Dreamwidth for a few weeks - all my condolences about your mother.

[vvalkyri]

I'm sorry. It's hard.
And yeah, sending food is really helpful.

[silveradept]

Food is very useful for the mourners, because they don't have to cook it. (But make sure it's something that will be eaten and enjoyed.)

[cellio]

Jewish tradition is to send mourners food, which I think is very practical and helpful. My congregation gets people together every now and then to cook stuff in bulk and freeze it in family-sized portions that can be deployed quickly. (This supplements, does not replace, what other people do -- but since the synagogue knows about the death before it's publicly known, we can also start helping right away.)

When sending flowers, there are better and worse ways to do it. When my cat died, Chewy sent me flowers -- in a vase with water already in it. All I had to do right then was accept the delivery and put it on the table. Somebody mourning a parent might not have the spoons to figure out what to do with a bundle of flowers in a box that need to be put in a vase (we have vases, uh, where?) etc. I've rarely sent flowers to anyone at all (I've done it for happy occasions sometimes), but now I have the additional clue of asking about arrangements with vases.

[conuly]

Jewish tradition is to send mourners food, which I think is very practical and helpful.

I think this is a lot of people's traditions, but somehow it gets mixed in with the flowers tradition which... well, I'm not a fan.

[cellio]

I assume others do this too; sorry for not being more clear. We also have a "not flowers" tradition, which I meant to work in there but didn't. If you visit a grave you don't leave flowers; you leave a stone. If there have been flowers at the funerals I've been to, I either didn't notice or don't remember -- not the overflowing cascade of arrangements and stuff I've seen at some other funerals.

I am fortunate to not yet have much personal experience with funerals, so I'm not equipped to make any broad statements bout traditions there.

[adafrog]

I hear you, though. {{{hugs}}}