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I wonder if the sole purpose of MSN "news" at this point is to be mocked.
Perhaps they know this?
10 things every single girl must own
By Amy Spencer
Sure, you've got the perfect shade of lipstick and the little black dress... but is that all you need? Hardly.
Actually, I've got neither. And I'm perfectly happy without 'em.
1. A fabulous photo of yourself
We all have that photo: The one where your smile, hair, and (let's be honest) bod all come together in one sexy little package, whether it's that snapshot from your hike in the Grand Canyon or that cocktail party photo where you're dressed to kill. Post that sucker at eye level on your fridge so your male guest can't help but notice it as he checks out if you have beer (see item #5). What he says: "Is that you?" What he means: "Daa-aamn, girl, you're hotter than I realized!" Keep a digital version handy so you can email it to online suitors or blind dates who want a glimpse of the goods beforehand. And never, ever throw it away—when you're 80-something it'll serve as an instant reminder that back in the day, you were a total dish!
So, basically, we should trust that our guy friends will completely ignore us until they almost (but not quite) get to the beer? Um. Right.
And when I'm 80-something, I *do* hope that I won't still be harping on my lost looks. How pathetic is that?
2. A pretty pair of heels
Admit it. You feel like Maria from West Side Story (You feel pretty, oh so pretty…) when you slip on a pair of nice heels. The good news is that these days, you can transform virtually any outfit to make it on-the-town ready by adding heels to a skirt, jeans, cropped khakis, whatever. And no, they don't have to be towering stilettos, even a pair of 1-inch kitten heels will make you stride a little more confidently. (Added bonus: The taller you are, the more cute men you'll be able to see around the room.)
I stride most confidently without shoes. Never trip when barefoot, it's almost not possible. If I can't go barefoot, I at least insist on shoes where I can feel *ground* beneath my feet, instead of wooden *blocks*.
And I'm plenty tall as it is, thank you very much.
3. An Eminem CD
What's one of the first places a guy peruses when he walks into a woman's home? Her music collection. Good for you if you have an extensive one. But if all he sees is a stack of girl bands (say, the Indigo Girls, the Go-Go's, Joni Mitchell and the Bridget Jones' Diary soundtrack), he's going to panic. Balance out your collection with one CD, any CD, by Eminem and you have no idea how relieved he'll be. It shows you have an open mind and aren't easily offended—and that's music to any man's ears.
But what if I would rather show that some things *do* offend me? Or if, heaven forbid, I were to fill my music collection with music I actually enjoy? I'm not spending $20 to assuage the idiocy of some guy. Really, I'd be better off without - weed out the sillies just by watching their reaction to my music collection (heavy on the classical and zydeco, if I had one).
4. A great pickup line... and a way to blow 'em off
In this post-chivalrous period, we can't always depend on guys to initiate contact, so prepare thyself with one simple, non-cheesy icebreaker to lay on that cutie who's making his way to your area of the bar. Our favorite: "Hi. Having fun?" (Though a friend of mine has recently taken to asking well-dressed men, "Hetero, homo or metro?") And in cases when a guy initiates contact and you're not interested, better have a better blow-off than "Ummmm, no... " Our suggestion: "Sorry, I don't think the guy I'm seeing would appreciate it." Sure, it's a lie, but it'll let him down easy—without destroying his ego or making him think you're a jerk.
Well, that's useful. Though I'm inclined to say "the girl I'm seeing". Not because I'm gay (still fairly certain I'm not), but because *giggles* it's so much fun! (That line also works when people try to recruit you for the military. It works very well. It's great.)
5. A six-pack of good bottled beer
A prepared single girl is ready to host and toast at any time. If you want to make a guy-guest feel at home and your girlfriends feel special, skip the mass-produced swill and go for microbrews like the exotically-named Smuttynose Shoals Pale Ale from Portsmouth, New Hampshire or the grandfather of microbrews, Sam Adams Boston Lager.
Oooor, funny idea, they could visit for the pleasure of my company. Though this advice is surpisingly good and useful.
6. Bathroom reading
What man doesn't appreciate finding interesting reading in his sweetie's bathroom? So instead of tossing out your magazines when you're done reading them, toss them into a basket by the toilet. No need to go overboard with a stack of Sports Illustrated (if you don't follow sports, that would just be weird), but consider Newsweek or even Cosmopolitan (hey, this may be the only time he's a captive audience and can learn a few things). Or, just buy a book that's made for the bathroom, like Schott's Original Miscellany by Ben Schott ($10.17 at amazon.com) so he can learn a few things about shoelace lengths and sign language while he passes the, uh, time.
I'm not leaving perfectly good reading material in the bathroom. If my guests want to read in the bathroom, they can just bring their own like the rest of the world. The upside of this is that it prevents me from stealing their books. (And I love how they assume that guys follow sports. Not all of them.)
7. A business card
After the age of 18, it's no longer cute to scrawl your first name and phone number on a napkin and hand it to a man who wants to call you. So if your job doesn't provide a card or you'd prefer one with your personal email address and phone number on it, then have some made at your local Kinko's. The very budget-bound can get 250 full-color business cards for free from vistaprint.com if you don't mind the company's logo on the backside of the card. Hey, it's better than nothing. A napkin he can lose. A card he'll file and keep.
A business card? Sweetie. When you don't have a business, such things are called calling cards, and they're supposed to be engraved, and you learn a whole complicated code that involves turning down the corners, you illiterate slob! Good heavens! What can they be teaching students nowadays? Next you'll be telling me they don't know which is the oyster fork!
8. Earplugs
Ah, there's nothing sweeter than a man who wants to cuddle up with you in bed for a long night's sleep. Unless — SNZZGGHGHRRJJZZZ! — he snores so loudly you can't get any sleep. Prepare thyself for surprise snorers with a pair of earplugs stashed in your nightstand. (2 pairs of Mack's brand self-described "snore-proof" plugs sell for $2.79 at cvs.com.)
Earplugs are useful. You'll have no argument here. If he really cares, though, he won't object to being kicked squarely in the kidneys when he snores too loudly. I'm just sayin'....
9. A straight male friend on your speed-dial
Every girl knows she needs a gay male friend she can go to for fashion advice (a personal Queer Eye for Your Closet). But when it comes to relationship advice, you need another source. While your female friends may have good intentions, if you really want to know if you should call that guy, save the guesswork and go to someone who's been there, done that.
Or, another strange idea, you could just try 1. having friends you enjoy and 2. calling the guy when you feel like it. If he really picks up and decides "oh, no, she called within two days of meeting me instead of three, she must be desperate", you've just weeded out another loser from the pack. That's good.
10. A condom
Hey ladies, you know the drill by now. If you want to be able to have spontaneous fun of the bodily kind, you have to prepare for it yourself. You can't always count on him to have something in his back pocket—or a 24-hour drugstore on the route home. (Your new mantra: If you don't want it to break, you buy it.)
THIS is the good advice we've been waiting for. You should always carry your own condom. You should also make sure it's not carried any place where it has a lot of pressure on it, or is subject to wild changes of temperature, or extreme hot or cold. And check the shelf life. *nodnodnod*
Otherwise, this whole thing is a waste of time.
10 things every single girl must own
By Amy Spencer
Sure, you've got the perfect shade of lipstick and the little black dress... but is that all you need? Hardly.
Actually, I've got neither. And I'm perfectly happy without 'em.
1. A fabulous photo of yourself
We all have that photo: The one where your smile, hair, and (let's be honest) bod all come together in one sexy little package, whether it's that snapshot from your hike in the Grand Canyon or that cocktail party photo where you're dressed to kill. Post that sucker at eye level on your fridge so your male guest can't help but notice it as he checks out if you have beer (see item #5). What he says: "Is that you?" What he means: "Daa-aamn, girl, you're hotter than I realized!" Keep a digital version handy so you can email it to online suitors or blind dates who want a glimpse of the goods beforehand. And never, ever throw it away—when you're 80-something it'll serve as an instant reminder that back in the day, you were a total dish!
So, basically, we should trust that our guy friends will completely ignore us until they almost (but not quite) get to the beer? Um. Right.
And when I'm 80-something, I *do* hope that I won't still be harping on my lost looks. How pathetic is that?
2. A pretty pair of heels
Admit it. You feel like Maria from West Side Story (You feel pretty, oh so pretty…) when you slip on a pair of nice heels. The good news is that these days, you can transform virtually any outfit to make it on-the-town ready by adding heels to a skirt, jeans, cropped khakis, whatever. And no, they don't have to be towering stilettos, even a pair of 1-inch kitten heels will make you stride a little more confidently. (Added bonus: The taller you are, the more cute men you'll be able to see around the room.)
I stride most confidently without shoes. Never trip when barefoot, it's almost not possible. If I can't go barefoot, I at least insist on shoes where I can feel *ground* beneath my feet, instead of wooden *blocks*.
And I'm plenty tall as it is, thank you very much.
3. An Eminem CD
What's one of the first places a guy peruses when he walks into a woman's home? Her music collection. Good for you if you have an extensive one. But if all he sees is a stack of girl bands (say, the Indigo Girls, the Go-Go's, Joni Mitchell and the Bridget Jones' Diary soundtrack), he's going to panic. Balance out your collection with one CD, any CD, by Eminem and you have no idea how relieved he'll be. It shows you have an open mind and aren't easily offended—and that's music to any man's ears.
But what if I would rather show that some things *do* offend me? Or if, heaven forbid, I were to fill my music collection with music I actually enjoy? I'm not spending $20 to assuage the idiocy of some guy. Really, I'd be better off without - weed out the sillies just by watching their reaction to my music collection (heavy on the classical and zydeco, if I had one).
4. A great pickup line... and a way to blow 'em off
In this post-chivalrous period, we can't always depend on guys to initiate contact, so prepare thyself with one simple, non-cheesy icebreaker to lay on that cutie who's making his way to your area of the bar. Our favorite: "Hi. Having fun?" (Though a friend of mine has recently taken to asking well-dressed men, "Hetero, homo or metro?") And in cases when a guy initiates contact and you're not interested, better have a better blow-off than "Ummmm, no... " Our suggestion: "Sorry, I don't think the guy I'm seeing would appreciate it." Sure, it's a lie, but it'll let him down easy—without destroying his ego or making him think you're a jerk.
Well, that's useful. Though I'm inclined to say "the girl I'm seeing". Not because I'm gay (still fairly certain I'm not), but because *giggles* it's so much fun! (That line also works when people try to recruit you for the military. It works very well. It's great.)
5. A six-pack of good bottled beer
A prepared single girl is ready to host and toast at any time. If you want to make a guy-guest feel at home and your girlfriends feel special, skip the mass-produced swill and go for microbrews like the exotically-named Smuttynose Shoals Pale Ale from Portsmouth, New Hampshire or the grandfather of microbrews, Sam Adams Boston Lager.
Oooor, funny idea, they could visit for the pleasure of my company. Though this advice is surpisingly good and useful.
6. Bathroom reading
What man doesn't appreciate finding interesting reading in his sweetie's bathroom? So instead of tossing out your magazines when you're done reading them, toss them into a basket by the toilet. No need to go overboard with a stack of Sports Illustrated (if you don't follow sports, that would just be weird), but consider Newsweek or even Cosmopolitan (hey, this may be the only time he's a captive audience and can learn a few things). Or, just buy a book that's made for the bathroom, like Schott's Original Miscellany by Ben Schott ($10.17 at amazon.com) so he can learn a few things about shoelace lengths and sign language while he passes the, uh, time.
I'm not leaving perfectly good reading material in the bathroom. If my guests want to read in the bathroom, they can just bring their own like the rest of the world. The upside of this is that it prevents me from stealing their books. (And I love how they assume that guys follow sports. Not all of them.)
7. A business card
After the age of 18, it's no longer cute to scrawl your first name and phone number on a napkin and hand it to a man who wants to call you. So if your job doesn't provide a card or you'd prefer one with your personal email address and phone number on it, then have some made at your local Kinko's. The very budget-bound can get 250 full-color business cards for free from vistaprint.com if you don't mind the company's logo on the backside of the card. Hey, it's better than nothing. A napkin he can lose. A card he'll file and keep.
A business card? Sweetie. When you don't have a business, such things are called calling cards, and they're supposed to be engraved, and you learn a whole complicated code that involves turning down the corners, you illiterate slob! Good heavens! What can they be teaching students nowadays? Next you'll be telling me they don't know which is the oyster fork!
8. Earplugs
Ah, there's nothing sweeter than a man who wants to cuddle up with you in bed for a long night's sleep. Unless — SNZZGGHGHRRJJZZZ! — he snores so loudly you can't get any sleep. Prepare thyself for surprise snorers with a pair of earplugs stashed in your nightstand. (2 pairs of Mack's brand self-described "snore-proof" plugs sell for $2.79 at cvs.com.)
Earplugs are useful. You'll have no argument here. If he really cares, though, he won't object to being kicked squarely in the kidneys when he snores too loudly. I'm just sayin'....
9. A straight male friend on your speed-dial
Every girl knows she needs a gay male friend she can go to for fashion advice (a personal Queer Eye for Your Closet). But when it comes to relationship advice, you need another source. While your female friends may have good intentions, if you really want to know if you should call that guy, save the guesswork and go to someone who's been there, done that.
Or, another strange idea, you could just try 1. having friends you enjoy and 2. calling the guy when you feel like it. If he really picks up and decides "oh, no, she called within two days of meeting me instead of three, she must be desperate", you've just weeded out another loser from the pack. That's good.
10. A condom
Hey ladies, you know the drill by now. If you want to be able to have spontaneous fun of the bodily kind, you have to prepare for it yourself. You can't always count on him to have something in his back pocket—or a 24-hour drugstore on the route home. (Your new mantra: If you don't want it to break, you buy it.)
THIS is the good advice we've been waiting for. You should always carry your own condom. You should also make sure it's not carried any place where it has a lot of pressure on it, or is subject to wild changes of temperature, or extreme hot or cold. And check the shelf life. *nodnodnod*
Otherwise, this whole thing is a waste of time.
no subject
Sighs.
no subject
Even the good things (beer, business/calling card, decent photo, condom) were for the WRONG REASONS. And really the beer only if you do a bit of entertaining. Same with coffee, which I only have for entertaining. And if you do have good beer, get it the day before you expect someone over, those microbrewery beers don't stay fresh forever. Yeesh.
And you want neutral music? Turn the freakin radio on.
no subject
But then I'm female, so my opinion doesn't matter on this list, since I'm doing it all for the men!
no subject
I'd prefer radio (which isn't too bad round here) to owning an Eminem CD.
And I know a lot of men and none of them like Eminem, and they're a rather varied bunch of guys.
no subject
...I have some chapstick and a pair of black pants. Does that count?
2. Ok, I'll admit, I like heels. I like all shoes, though. But I do enjoy wearing heels to work sometimes. Although I'm just as happy wearing sneakers or flip-flops.
3. I hate Eminem.
5. Also not a fan of beer.
10. That actually is really good advice. In fact, every single person who is planning on having sex (unless they're ready to have kids) should have some sort of birth control.
At least they got 1 out of 10. :/
no subject
2. Dude, I'm 5'9" and change, and have a high center of gravity. If I wear heels I'll go end-over-end like a caber.
3. My husband introduced me to the music of Joni Mitchell, thankyouverymuch.
4. That's...also...stupid. You know, when my mom was widowed, she used to play her guitar every week at the only nightclub in the town at the time, and she heard every stupid line there is. The one that really worked? "Hi, I'm Jim. May I sit here?" Yeah. He's been my stepfather for 24 years now.
5. I agree that if you're going to have beer in the fridge, have something that doesn't suck. But I don't drink. Why would I want someone getting faced in my house? Think it'll make him more interesting? Pfff.
6. Heh, I got nothing. But I remember my mom used to keep Playgirl in her office bathroom when I worked for her. My poor co-workers began to wonder if I had IBS or something.
7. I have business cards. Tons of them. Then again I have a business.
8. Hubby and I tried this a while. Problem is, they make the fluids in my ears build up and give me earaches. Given a choice between snoring and earaches, give me the snoring. What we use is those awesome breathe-right thingies.
9. Chris Rock once said that a male friend is like a dick in a glass case: In case of emergency, break glass.
10. I agree; the only useful advice in this whole list of crap.
You know what this is almost (almost) as bad as? That god-awful "advantages of being a sweet young female" list.
no subject
match is an endless source of 'advice' ... wouldn mind this stuff less if it didn't actually affect the way people behave ...
i don't get how a woman (girl?) having a photo of themselves in a prominent place doesn't seem odd - after all, surely i'd be looking at the real thing? and why doesn't a glamour shot on public display come across as either pretentious (i coulda been a model?) or insecure (see, i can be pretty)?
umm. 'students' don't get 'taught' nowadays. they get to 'share' 'learning' 'experiences'.
content is not on the agenda. keeping the little snots entertained is the main object.
what the 'rules' of 'social engagement' expose is the underlying selfishness/self-consciouness of today's children (who may look 25, but are still struggling with the traumas of being 15).
all this assuaging people's egos crap just might assist in explaining the stupid relationship rollercoasters that society has been subjected to post-wwii. a little honesty wouldn't go astray.
no subject
2- I fall over in heels and they make my feet hurt. I'll keep my awesomea boots, thankuu.
3- Eminem sucks. Sorry. And most dudes I'd go after would be more likely to like Ormgas, OCRemix-Radio.
4- It's good to have one, actually. More like: a conversation opener, and an Escape Route, not pick-up/put-down lines.
5- I can't even stand the smell of alcohol (except Schnapps), much less the taste. Hot Chocolate for the win.
6- Heheheh. I do this already. Only with real books. What can I say, except that the bathroom is the most quiet and most reader-friendly room I have?
7- Calling cards are smexy. I want some now.
8- Earplugs ARE useful. But if he wakes up before you, or if he sees the earplugs, he will be embarrassed and bad stuff like that.
9- Um. All of my friends are on the interweb. Oops. And why can't a gay dude be good at Relationship AND Fashion advice?
10- Common Sense. Duh.
MSN: you Fail. More than fail, you Phail. I would rather own Sensible Boots, Good Books, and Toys than your Painful Heels, Earplugs, and Booze. I think this means that I am not a single girl. Perhaps I should tell my friend that he has been upgraded to Boyfriend Status.
no subject
Meh? I'm igrant, please edumicate me, because I have no clue what you're talking about here.
no subject
no subject
no subject
wha...
I can see MSN posting things like this because (and the scary thing is) people will read them like they're the bible.
no subject
Sighs.
no subject
Even the good things (beer, business/calling card, decent photo, condom) were for the WRONG REASONS. And really the beer only if you do a bit of entertaining. Same with coffee, which I only have for entertaining. And if you do have good beer, get it the day before you expect someone over, those microbrewery beers don't stay fresh forever. Yeesh.
And you want neutral music? Turn the freakin radio on.
no subject
But then I'm female, so my opinion doesn't matter on this list, since I'm doing it all for the men!
no subject
I'd prefer radio (which isn't too bad round here) to owning an Eminem CD.
And I know a lot of men and none of them like Eminem, and they're a rather varied bunch of guys.
no subject
...I have some chapstick and a pair of black pants. Does that count?
2. Ok, I'll admit, I like heels. I like all shoes, though. But I do enjoy wearing heels to work sometimes. Although I'm just as happy wearing sneakers or flip-flops.
3. I hate Eminem.
5. Also not a fan of beer.
10. That actually is really good advice. In fact, every single person who is planning on having sex (unless they're ready to have kids) should have some sort of birth control.
At least they got 1 out of 10. :/
no subject
2. Dude, I'm 5'9" and change, and have a high center of gravity. If I wear heels I'll go end-over-end like a caber.
3. My husband introduced me to the music of Joni Mitchell, thankyouverymuch.
4. That's...also...stupid. You know, when my mom was widowed, she used to play her guitar every week at the only nightclub in the town at the time, and she heard every stupid line there is. The one that really worked? "Hi, I'm Jim. May I sit here?" Yeah. He's been my stepfather for 24 years now.
5. I agree that if you're going to have beer in the fridge, have something that doesn't suck. But I don't drink. Why would I want someone getting faced in my house? Think it'll make him more interesting? Pfff.
6. Heh, I got nothing. But I remember my mom used to keep Playgirl in her office bathroom when I worked for her. My poor co-workers began to wonder if I had IBS or something.
7. I have business cards. Tons of them. Then again I have a business.
8. Hubby and I tried this a while. Problem is, they make the fluids in my ears build up and give me earaches. Given a choice between snoring and earaches, give me the snoring. What we use is those awesome breathe-right thingies.
9. Chris Rock once said that a male friend is like a dick in a glass case: In case of emergency, break glass.
10. I agree; the only useful advice in this whole list of crap.
You know what this is almost (almost) as bad as? That god-awful "advantages of being a sweet young female" list.
no subject
match is an endless source of 'advice' ... wouldn mind this stuff less if it didn't actually affect the way people behave ...
i don't get how a woman (girl?) having a photo of themselves in a prominent place doesn't seem odd - after all, surely i'd be looking at the real thing? and why doesn't a glamour shot on public display come across as either pretentious (i coulda been a model?) or insecure (see, i can be pretty)?
umm. 'students' don't get 'taught' nowadays. they get to 'share' 'learning' 'experiences'.
content is not on the agenda. keeping the little snots entertained is the main object.
what the 'rules' of 'social engagement' expose is the underlying selfishness/self-consciouness of today's children (who may look 25, but are still struggling with the traumas of being 15).
all this assuaging people's egos crap just might assist in explaining the stupid relationship rollercoasters that society has been subjected to post-wwii. a little honesty wouldn't go astray.
no subject
2- I fall over in heels and they make my feet hurt. I'll keep my awesomea boots, thankuu.
3- Eminem sucks. Sorry. And most dudes I'd go after would be more likely to like Ormgas, OCRemix-Radio.
4- It's good to have one, actually. More like: a conversation opener, and an Escape Route, not pick-up/put-down lines.
5- I can't even stand the smell of alcohol (except Schnapps), much less the taste. Hot Chocolate for the win.
6- Heheheh. I do this already. Only with real books. What can I say, except that the bathroom is the most quiet and most reader-friendly room I have?
7- Calling cards are smexy. I want some now.
8- Earplugs ARE useful. But if he wakes up before you, or if he sees the earplugs, he will be embarrassed and bad stuff like that.
9- Um. All of my friends are on the interweb. Oops. And why can't a gay dude be good at Relationship AND Fashion advice?
10- Common Sense. Duh.
MSN: you Fail. More than fail, you Phail. I would rather own Sensible Boots, Good Books, and Toys than your Painful Heels, Earplugs, and Booze. I think this means that I am not a single girl. Perhaps I should tell my friend that he has been upgraded to Boyfriend Status.
no subject
Meh? I'm igrant, please edumicate me, because I have no clue what you're talking about here.
no subject
no subject
no subject
wha...
I can see MSN posting things like this because (and the scary thing is) people will read them like they're the bible.