I just realized. I've never seen my father's grave.

[conuly]

I didn't intend to see it, and it didn't just slip my mind or anything, I've just never thought much about it.

In fiction, people are everlastingly visiting their parents' graves to say things or think or leave coded messages or whatnot. I wasn't even sure where my father was buried, I had to run and ask my mom. I knew the state (Daddy was born in Texas and he was buried in Texas, and I do believe this says a lot about him), but not the city.

I am not intending to rush out now on a train to see it. What would I do there? Leave some flowers to die? Better to leave a rock, but I'm not Jewish, and really, what's the point? Either I remember my father and he can know about it, in which case, great, or I remember him and he can't know about it, so it doesn't matter. Or I don't remember him, but I do, so that's not worth working out. I could make a grave rubbing, but modern graves aren't very interesting, generally. Daddy's might be an exception, but it seems a lot of trouble just to find out that.

Oh, I know, people talk to their loved ones, but that doesn't make sense either. My father didn't live in a cemetery, he lived here. He's just dead in a cemetery, but then, he's dead everywhere, so if one can talk to the dead it surely makes sense to do so where they used to be.

I don't even *want* to go visiting graves (except the old, historic sort which are interesting in and of themselves), but now that I've realized I haven't, I get this nagging feeling like I'm somehow out of step with what I should have done. And I can't figure out why people do it anyway, though I'm sure it's one of those things that really doesn't ask for an explanation.

Comments

[tsukikage85.livejournal.com]

You could just... visit it. Not leave anything behind, not make a grave rubbing, not talk to him. Just visit his grave and think. And then leave.

[conuly]

Yeah... except I couldn't anyway. Because it's in Texas, and that's a long way away. I might make the distance, but I could not take the time out of my life, nor the expense of getting there and back. Now that I think of it, I do wish it was a teeny bit closer, somewhere in this actual region of the country, but, as I said, he was born in Texas and he was buried in Texas, and that pretty much sums it up. He had his reasons, and it does us no harm to respect the wishes of the dead, but it's a little inconvenient to, well, me. Instead, his grave is close to his more-or-less estranged mother and his even-more-than-less estranged brother.

[gingembre.livejournal.com]

Actually my understanding was that it had more to do with Grand's wishes than Daddy's, at least that's what I have always thought. I just figured, Daddy wouldn't care one way or the other (we didn't get our beliefs of the merits of grave-visiting from nowhere, y'know...) and therefore best to placate the one person who actually *cared* where he was buried.

But I may be wrong. We'd have to ask Mommy to be sure.

[conuly]

That also makes sense, though it's not how Mommy has ever explained it to me.

[firingneurons.livejournal.com]

I've only ever visited my parent's grave once. I never found it consoling or like it brought me closer to them, it just made me more sad, and miss them more. Which makes sense to me, that's not where they lived or spent time or even where any memories were, it's just where what's left happens to be, and since it's not at home with me, then I don't want it.

I'd be just as happy never going back there, honestly.

[conuly]

I don't think I'd feel happy or sad or very much of anything, I just feel now like I haven't done what people generally do, and I do rather wish it was more *possible* for me to visit, even if I never took that option.

Funerals are for the living

[rhicat.livejournal.com]

I've never visited the grave of anyone related to me either. And after some soap opera style dramatics at an uncle's funeral, I don't attend funerals either.

But I do like old graveyards with beautiful stonework and famous persons graves. Custer's memorial at West Point is just plain ugly.

[dandelion.livejournal.com]

When I was little, we used to visit my opa's grave and tend to it when we came over in the summer - it wasn't just a headstone, it was fairly big, because I think it was a family grave. But in Germany, or at least in this particular cemetery, you only lease the land for 20 years, and a few years back the lease expired because we knew there wouldn't be any family members in Germany by the end of another 20 years. So I know he's still buried there, but I've no idea what state the grave's in or whether they've started adding people to the plot or something, and I don't think I'll ever know because I'm not going to go back to that town now my grandma's died for a very long time.

[tsukikage85.livejournal.com]

You could just... visit it. Not leave anything behind, not make a grave rubbing, not talk to him. Just visit his grave and think. And then leave.

[conuly]

Yeah... except I couldn't anyway. Because it's in Texas, and that's a long way away. I might make the distance, but I could not take the time out of my life, nor the expense of getting there and back. Now that I think of it, I do wish it was a teeny bit closer, somewhere in this actual region of the country, but, as I said, he was born in Texas and he was buried in Texas, and that pretty much sums it up. He had his reasons, and it does us no harm to respect the wishes of the dead, but it's a little inconvenient to, well, me. Instead, his grave is close to his more-or-less estranged mother and his even-more-than-less estranged brother.

[gingembre.livejournal.com]

Actually my understanding was that it had more to do with Grand's wishes than Daddy's, at least that's what I have always thought. I just figured, Daddy wouldn't care one way or the other (we didn't get our beliefs of the merits of grave-visiting from nowhere, y'know...) and therefore best to placate the one person who actually *cared* where he was buried.

But I may be wrong. We'd have to ask Mommy to be sure.

[conuly]

That also makes sense, though it's not how Mommy has ever explained it to me.

[firingneurons.livejournal.com]

I've only ever visited my parent's grave once. I never found it consoling or like it brought me closer to them, it just made me more sad, and miss them more. Which makes sense to me, that's not where they lived or spent time or even where any memories were, it's just where what's left happens to be, and since it's not at home with me, then I don't want it.

I'd be just as happy never going back there, honestly.

[conuly]

I don't think I'd feel happy or sad or very much of anything, I just feel now like I haven't done what people generally do, and I do rather wish it was more *possible* for me to visit, even if I never took that option.

Funerals are for the living

[rhicat.livejournal.com]

I've never visited the grave of anyone related to me either. And after some soap opera style dramatics at an uncle's funeral, I don't attend funerals either.

But I do like old graveyards with beautiful stonework and famous persons graves. Custer's memorial at West Point is just plain ugly.

[dandelion.livejournal.com]

When I was little, we used to visit my opa's grave and tend to it when we came over in the summer - it wasn't just a headstone, it was fairly big, because I think it was a family grave. But in Germany, or at least in this particular cemetery, you only lease the land for 20 years, and a few years back the lease expired because we knew there wouldn't be any family members in Germany by the end of another 20 years. So I know he's still buried there, but I've no idea what state the grave's in or whether they've started adding people to the plot or something, and I don't think I'll ever know because I'm not going to go back to that town now my grandma's died for a very long time.